with fatherhood fears
Even men who’ve been lucky enough to be surrounded by positive male role models find themselves doubting whether they have what it takes to be a dad. It’s like the fear of starting a new job amplified by 100. Part of being a good father is taking the time to confront these fears so that when baby comes, you don’t parent with fear. Following are some of the common fear-based questions men ask themselves in regard to fatherhood:
Am I ready to give up my present life (free time, flexibility, freedom) to be a dad?
Will I have time for my pastimes and friends?
Will I ever sleep again?
Is this the end of my marriage and sex life as I know it?
Do we have enough money to raise a child?
Do I know enough about kids to be a good dad?
Am I mature enough to be a good role model for my child?
What if the baby comes and I don’t love him?
Your head may be spinning with all the questions you ask yourself, and although you can’t answer them all right away, you need to address them at some point. However, plenty of men have felt unprepared and unwilling to become fathers and turned out to be great dads, so don’t despair if your initial answers to the preceding questions are mostly negative.
Parenthood involves a lot of sacrifice, but it doesn’t have to sound the death knell for your identity or happiness. Talk with your partner, a trusted friend, or a therapist — anyone who will listen to you and support your concerns without getting defensive — about the questions you have. You’ll find that some of your fears have no basis in reality and that others — such as the fear of losing yourself and your free time — require you to reprioritize your time and energy.
Debunking six common myths
Many of the concerns or fears you may have about fatherhood likely originated from the long-standing myths of what a father’s role should be in his child’s life. Not all that long ago, men stood in the waiting room at the hospital during delivery and returned to work the next day. Nowadays, the landscape of fatherhood is vastly different, leaving the modern dad wondering where he fits in the parenting scheme.
The following sections outline some of the most common misconceptions about fatherhood. We debunk these myths to help you understand how to be a more-involved father.
Myth #1: Only the mom-to-be should have input about labor and delivery
Though the focus is on your partner — she is, after all, the one carrying your child — you also matter, and you have the right to voice your opinions along the way. Throughout the pregnancy, share what you’re experiencing and let her know what scares you. She has a lot to think through and worry about, too, but the more you deal with those issues together, the stronger your relationship will become.
If you have thoughts and opinions about what kind of delivery option you’re most comfortable with, share those with her as well. Although ultimately you need to let your partner pick the childbirth option that’s best for her, she deserves to know your feelings on the matter. Getting involved in the decision-making process isn’t just your right — it’s the right thing to do. (Check out Chapter 9 to start getting informed on birthing options and the many decisions you’ll need to make.)
Myth #2: Men aren’t ideal caretakers for newborns
Boobs are generally the issue at the forefront of this myth. No, you can’t breast-feed your child or know what it’s like to give birth. Because a lot of fathers don’t have that initial connection, they wonder what exactly they’re supposed to do.
Mother and baby are attached to each other for nine months, but after baby arrives, it’s open season on bonding and caretaking. When your partner isn’t breast-feeding, hold, rock, and engage in skin-to-skin contact with your baby whenever possible. Changing diapers, bathing, and changing clothes are just a few of the activities you can do to get involved. And the more involved you get, the less likely you are to feel left out of the equation. Chapter 11 provides tips for caring for your new baby so you can feel confident in your abilities.
Myth #3: You’ll never have sex or sleep ever again
Good things come to those who wait, and you’ll have to wait. Sex won’t happen for at least six to eight weeks following delivery, and even then you have a long road back to normalcy. For many couples, a normal sex life after childbirth isn’t as active as it once was, but you can work with your partner to make sure both of your needs are being met.
One need that will deter your sex life — and override the sex need — is sleep. Babies don’t sleep through the night. They wake up hungry and demand an alert parent to feed them, burp them, and soothe them back to sleep. Some babies begin sleeping through the night at six months; other kids don’t until the age of 3. The good news is that they all do it eventually, and when you begin to understand your baby’s patterns, you’ll be able to figure out a routine that allows you to maximize the shut-eye you get every day.
Myth #4: Active fathers can’t succeed in the business world
Unless work is the only obligation you’ve ever had in your adult life, you’re probably used to juggling more than one thing. Fathers who are active in the community or fill their schedules with copious hours of hobbies have to reevaluate their priorities. Family comes first, work comes second, and with the support of a loving partner and a few good babysitters, you can continue on your career trajectory as planned.
In fact, being a dad may just make you a more effective worker. Having so many demands on your time can make you better at time management and maximizing your workday. Focus on work at work and home at home and you’ll succeed in both arenas.
Myth #5: You’re destined to become your father
Destiny is really just a code word for the tendency many men have to mimic their father’s behaviors, good or bad. If you didn’t like an aspect of your father’s parenting or don’t want to repeat a major mistake that he perpetrated, talk about it with your partner. The more you talk about it, the less likely you are to repeat that mistake because you’ll engage your partner as a support system working with you to help you avoid it.
