modern life seems to get more complex by the day, from politics and social media to pandemics and increasingly erratic natural disasters — now might seem like a particularly scary time to bring a baby into the world. If you’re concerned, remember you’re not alone. Millennials are waiting longer to get married, buy a home, and have children. There’s never a “right” time to have a baby — when you’re ready, the rest of the noise won’t matter as much. Your decision to have a child is separate from the chaos that has always been and will always be, and as long as you provide a safe, happy home, your baby will be happy and healthy, too. The best thing you can do is be honest with your partner about any concerns you have and decide together how you want to raise your child. It’s never too soon to start discussing the world you want for your child and to figure out how you can facilitate providing that world.
Also, during pregnancy (and beyond!) it’s absolutely okay to take a break from social media, to unfollow people and pages that cause stress, and to take a break from podcasts and cable news. Sure, it might feel like sticking your head in the sand, but a stress-free and happy pregnancy is your number-one job. Anything that stands in the way of that can be excised or paused in your life for as long as you both desire.
Deciding to Take the Plunge (or Not)
Deciding the right time in life to have a baby isn’t an easy task, especially because circumstances change on a seemingly daily basis. However, family planning is an essential step that can minimize what ifs, frustrations, and regrets. After you have a baby, you can’t take it back. Knowing when you’re ready to be parents and then trying to conceive means that when you actually do get pregnant, the timing will be right. Or at least as right as any time can be, considering you have such little control over life’s variables.
Determining whether you’re ready
How does it feel when you know you want to be a father? And how can you know when you’re actually ready to start trying for a baby? Those questions have no simple answers because the feeling is different for everyone, but suffice it to say, you’ll know when you know.
One sign to look for is a prolonged interest and fascination with the babies of friends and family members. Some women jokingly refer to their growing desire for a baby as baby fever, and many men experience similar feelings. The desire to procreate, to have your genes carried on in the species, can be powerful. Just make sure it’s a desire that lasts more than a day.
Also, make sure you take the time to analyze the impact baby will have on your life. If you’re in the final two years of a college program, waiting to have a child may be in your best interest. If you’re unemployed, perhaps you want to put off trying until you find a job you like that can support a family.
Telling your partner you’re ready
You can tell your partner anytime and anyplace that you’re ready to take the plunge into parenthood, but however you broach the subject, remember that she may not be as ready as you. A good way to introduce the topic is by asking her questions about her feelings on when is the right time to have a baby.
Let her know how excited you are, but also let her know that you’ve thought about the finances and logistics of having a baby, too. Fatherhood involves a lot more than choosing a name and a nursery theme. A big part of feeling ready is knowing that your partner isn’t just enamored with the idea of a child but is also prepared for the practicalities of responsibly starting a family.
You don’t have to outline every aspect of how and why you’re ready, but do treat the idea with respect and let your partner know you’re sincere by proving that you’ve actually thought it through.
Telling your partner you’re not ready
If your partner is already pregnant, do not under any circumstances tell her you’re not ready. If, however, the two of you are simply exploring the idea of having a child, now is the perfect time to speak your piece and let her know that you’re just not prepared for fatherhood.
Reasons for not being ready vary from practical (not enough money or time) to logistical (still in school or caring for a sick parent) to selfish (not ready to share the Xbox). No reason is wrong, but if your partner is ready for a baby, don’t expect her to be fully supportive of your rationale.
Being patient when one of you is ready (and the other isn’t)
Being on different pages can be an uncomfortable position for any couple, especially when it comes to the kid issue. Men have long been saddled with the Peter Pan label whenever they announce they aren’t ready to “grow up” and have kids. Women are unfairly chastised for choosing career over family if they aren’t ready to have a child.
Everyone has his reasons for wanting or not wanting to have a baby, and every one of them is valid — at least to the person who isn’t ready. We don’t recommend attempting to persuade your partner, or vice versa, to have a baby. Having a child with someone who isn’t ready is setting up your relationship — and your relationship with the child — for failure.
Seek counseling at any point if you and your partner fight about the issue frequently or if one of you decides that you never want children. Couples who are at an impasse about whether to have children often need the guidance of a trained professional.
Dealing with an unexpected pregnancy
Unplanned pregnancies aren’t uncommon, and for the majority of people in a committed relationship, adjusting to the surprising news is often no more than a minor bump in the road. If you unexpectedly find out that you’re going to be a dad, don’t get angry with your partner. Blaming the other person is easy when emotions run high, but don’t forget how you got into this situation in the first place. It does, indeed, take two.
Birth control and family planning are the responsibility of both the man and the woman, and accidents sometimes happen. The best thing you can do in this instance is to talk with your partner about your options
