exciting pursuits. Try transforming this box into a battering ram. Tear across the living room and leap in, sending the box careening into plant stands and stacks of DVDs. If your person is trainable, she can also drag the box around the living room while you enjoy thrilling adventures as Captain Felix of HMS California Oranges.
Beer Cases/File Boxes: Take a moment to inspect whether your box comes equipped with bonus side-portals. If so, you’re in luck, because you’ve got the perfect set-up to play a game of Lurk and Smack. Crouch down in its dark confines and poke your paw through a hole. Then blindly and frantically smack at whatever might be passing by – legs, fur tumbleweeds, legs, that dog, legs. Give ‘em all the works.
Pizza Boxes: At first there’s a lot to do in a box that once contained a pizza pie, like scavenging for nuggets of meat and licking puddles of oil. But after you run out of snacky bits, what else is there? Plenty! This box easily converts into a lair when you transform into your alter ego, Flattened Kitty-Worm, who shall vanquish all who dare enter her kitchen-floor domain!
Fridge Boxes: You can enjoy an afternoon of peaceful seclusion in one of these boxes, but it can get boring in that deep, murky space. Instead, pretend to be trapped in a well. Let out wail after terrified wail until your person races in to find out what’s wrong. When she breathlessly opens the lid to come to the rescue, just groom yourself nonchalantly as if you haven’t a care in the world. This never gets old, so feel free to keep it up all afternoon.
SPECIAL BOX OCCASIONS
Certain days bring with them a veritable box bonanza, and this can overwhelm even the most seasoned box-steader. So many at once! Which should you claim? The answer is all of them, if you can manage it!
Christmas: The weeks before Christmas are a time of high spirits and wonder, with clanky ornaments to shatter, crinkly paper to be shredded and clunky candles just asking for a smack down the stairs. But this is nothing compared to the box-boom awaiting you on the big day. Boxes filled with tissue paper! Boxes filled with twist-ties and instructions! Boxes that stink like summer sausage! Just run around like mad and investigate. Dive in! Dive out! Dive in again! Take your time because, in the spirit of the season, your person will leave these boxes lying around for an extra-long time. To let her know you appreciate it, cram that big fluffy bottom of yours in that little box right over there and pose for next year’s Christmas card photo.
Moving: If a large number of pre-flattened boxes start entering the house, you are probably moving. The actual move will be an unpleasant experience, but the packing phase is actually great, so make the most of it. Out of nowhere, box after box will just start appearing. Hop into every one you can, burrowing under the newspapers and shedding thoroughly on all the kitchen equipment. Don’t worry about getting scolded. Your person will let you do whatever you want because she’ll feel guilty about uprooting her baby, particularly if you’re moving in with her fiancé who keeps a potbellied pig.
Whatever the box or the occasion, always remember the most important rule of box-steading. Be adorable. One thing is for certain: Any cat looking cute in a cardboard box keeps her box for that much longer, and has lots more boxes in her future.
THINGS THAT ARE NOT BOXES THAT YOU SHOULD BE IN
Shopping Bag: What’s in that bag? Are you in that bag? If not, get in there!
Cool Box: Your comfort is more important than the temperature of the beer.
Colander: These are cosy and perfectly cat-sized, and besides, spaghetti isn’t even delicious.
Laundry Basket: Nothing improves a pair of dress trousers like your fur.
Bathroom Sink: Your person can brush her teeth just as well in that one in the kitchen.
Extraordinary Cats in History – Part I
All cats love to leave their mark on things. People, furniture, books, even whole houses can be declared cat property and, once that happens, never be taken away.
Marking a place in history is another matter. To be remembered forever takes more than a simple brush against destiny, and it’s definitely not as easy as modifying a video-game system by rubbing your face on the controller.
What follows are tales of those who earned their place in the annals of history with persistence, courage, intelligence and cunning. These cats will always be revered. They are extraordinary.
FRED – UNDERCOVER DETECTIVE CAT
While law enforcement agencies have employed many dogs, the number of cat police officers has been much smaller. This is mainly due to the fact that cats aren’t particularly keen on intractable rules and generally prefer more flexible guidelines. There is, however, one absolute law that must be obeyed: Anyone practising veterinary medicine had better be properly qualified and licensed. An American cat named Fred discovered that law being broken and decided to do something about it.
When Fred was a kitten living on the mean streets of New York City, he had a host of health problems, and it didn’t appear there was much hope for him. Luckily, Fred was rescued by an animal sanctuary. He was nursed back to health and eventually became part of a loving family.
Fred’s adopted family worked in the New York District Attorney’s Office. One case under investigation concerned a phony veterinarian operating without proper training or licensing. The DA’s office was contacted by the owner of a dog named Burt who had endured an unsafe and unnecessary surgery.
A brief investigation revealed that Burt was not the first animal to be victimized by this quack. Less than a year after being plucked from the streets, Fred was enlisted to help bring down the perpetrator. He signed on without reservation. The guy had to be stopped.
A sting was set in motion. First, police outfitted a mock apartment in Brooklyn with concealed microphones and cameras. Then a detective contacted the phony vet and inquired about having her cat neutered. When the appointment was scheduled, the District Attorney’s Office sent in Fred as their undercover cat.
The subject arrived at the apartment and agreed to neuter Fred for the sum of $135. The trap was sprung. As he tried to leave with Fred in a cat carrier, waiting detectives cuffed him.
Following the arrest, Fred received many honours. He appeared at press conferences wearing his DA badge, received a Law Enforcement Appreciation Award, and was even presented the Mayor’s Alliance Award by Mary Tyler Moore and Bernadette Peters on Broadway.
It is with a heavy heart that we tell you Fred passed away in 2006. His death remains a tragic loss, but it is comforting to know Fred will never be forgotten.
ALICE – THE CAT WHO PLAYS GUITAR BETTER THAN JIMI HENDRIX
As anyone who has ever poked around on You Tube will attest, cats can play the piano. The world is sadly unaware, however, of a freaky cat named Alice. Not only is she the first feline to play the guitar, but Alice can also jam better than Jimi Hendrix.
Alice
