The Devious Book for Cats: Cats have nine lives. Shouldn’t they be lived to the fullest?. Литагент HarperCollins USD

       Relatives and Ancestors

      You might be surprised to learn that the domestic cat (you) is not the only kind of cat in existence. On the contrary, there are dozens of other cat species in this great world of ours, and you are related to all of them. Like relatives everywhere, they have quirks and foibles you need to be aware of, lest any decide to drop by unexpectedly. It hasn’t happened to anybody we know yet, but it’s better to be prepared. With that in mind, here is a clear, unbiased look at what we’ve heard about the other cats of the world.

      LEOPARDS

      Perhaps you’ve heard the expression ‘A leopard can’t change its spots’. It’s a stupid saying, because why would any cat want to change anything about itself? It does, however, give you the most pertinent information about leopards: They have spots, and are stubborn. Once they’ve made up their minds, they never change them. If a leopard wants to go out to grab a gazelle while he’s visiting you, don’t try telling him that there are no gazelles in your part of the world. It would be a waste of breath. Let him go. Maybe he’ll catch a deer or a cow and think it’s a gazelle, and then you’ll both be happy. This brings us to our next point, which is that leopards are good hunters. They live in Africa.

      CHEETAHS

      Cheetahs apparently also have spots, but for some reason we’ve never heard anyone make up clever adages about them. What we do know, thanks to passing by the television during a programme, is that cheetahs are very fast. Like, if Superman’s cat and a cheetah were to have a race, the cheetah would win. This speed helps them win Olympic gold medals in track events, and makes them handy for parcel delivery. They are also annoying show-offs who want to race all the time. If you humour them by participating, they will win and want to race again. And again. They just get super-excited about running. The best thing you can do is send them off to see how long it takes them to run around the block a hundred times.

      TIGERS

      Tigers like to swim. SWIM! That means they like to go IN the water and stay there for an extended period of time. Weird! You’d think, based on that, they wouldn’t be any sort of relation of yours, but one look at them pretty much confirms it. They may be huge (bigger than all your other relatives, even), but the family resemblance is there. The sharp incisors. The whiskers. The ears. The twitchy tail. But they have stripes like a zebra. Zebras like swimming. Zebras are also bigger than most cats. Therefore it is obvious that a tiger is half cat and half zebra. They’re still your relatives, though, so be respectful, which is actually easy because tigers are very polite. They won’t leave big muddy paw prints in your house, and they will usually bring a carcass they picked up on the way over.

      JAGUARS

      Jaguars are laid-back, and, with their keen sense of hearing, they make good listeners. They are also excellent at preparing meals, making them great guests. Don’t believe us? If one should stop by the house and you don’t have anything to eat, he will apologize for dropping in unexpectedly and whip up a delicious five-course meal just from stuff you had lying around. Also – this is really cool – they have the strongest jaws of all cats and can bite right through a skull. Yes, vile, but cool. They also tell some pretty funny stories about living in the jungle. Like the one about the monkey that rode the giraffe like a cowboy. We’d tell you the whole thing, but it’s better when they do it.

      LIONS

      Lions will be the first to tell you that they are Kings of the Jungle. Don’t tell them otherwise or you’ll have a roaring fit on your hands. Definitely don’t point out that they don’t live in the jungle, either. They hate that. The main thing about lions is that they are really full of themselves. Get a little meat in them and they go on and on about how important they are and how much work it is to keep order in their kingdom, and how they are so important. They don’t ask how your day was at all. Man lions have a ring of long hair around their necks called a mane. They hang out in groups called prides. They live in Africa, as well.

      OCELOTS

      Size-wise, ocelots are somewhere between us and a jaguar. Because of their in-between status, they just want to fit in, so they’ll do anything for a laugh. That’s great, for a while, but it can get pretty annoying when it’s nothing but The Ocelot Show. You usually have to do what they want to do, otherwise they won’t show up. Aside from those traits, they’re not that bad.

      WILDCATS

      Of all your relatives, the wildcat is the most likely to pay you a visit, partially since they are the most closely related, but mainly because they live on the same landmass as you. Don’t expect a lot from them. Visits can be awkward and stilted, since they are loners by nature. Usually, they’ll sit quietly and smoke. If you try to engage one in conversation, he’ll just answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ or ‘Rabbits’. The jury is still out on whether this is because they are stuck up or just shy. Just remember to keep your chin up and be nice. Maybe you can get them to open up with kindness.