Jimi Hendrix’s hometown of Seattle, Washington, but the two do share a birthday, 27 November. Alice knows this because her person, Danny B., makes it a point to tell her at almost any opportunity.
Danny B. has been an aspiring guitarist for fourteen years, and sometime in 2003 he inspired Alice to take up the instrument.
One night she watched as Danny B. practised, her ears twitching each time he hit a bad note. He became progressively more discouraged, eventually throwing the guitar down in frustration.
After running out to the garage for a little while, he came back and popped in his Woodstock DVD for the 167th time. As Danny B. muttered about how great Hendrix was, Alice sniffed around his guitar and pawed at the strings. She liked how it felt but got scared at the noise and ran to Danny B.’s lap, curling up with him on the sofa to watch how Hendrix did it.
For five years Alice followed that same basic schedule. Every night after Danny B. finished practising, she lounged with him on the sofa and studied Hendrix intently until the pizza came.
In time, Alice began to understand where Jimi was coming from. She got the guitar and started making noises that weren’t frightening. Cats started to come from all over to peer in the window and watch her jam. With her eyes closed and head tilted back, Alice put on the show she learned from Hendrix, but then took it a step further.
Instead of just playing with her teeth and behind her back, Alice perfected the trick of using her tail, something that not even Jimi dreamt of doing. Having five claws on each paw meant she could play without a pick. With this technique Alice brought a new meaning to the term ‘guitar shredding’.
Danny B. still doesn’t know Alice can play, because she waits until he’s gone to work before cranking up the amplifier. Recently she has been putting the finishing touches on her album, Salmon: Bold as Love. It’s a shame the human world will be deprived of it, but her cat fans in Sandusky are preparing to be blown away. Rumour has it that her use of a meow-meow pedal is unbelievable.
The film industry has long acknowledged the relationship between cats and arch-villains. Whether it is the white Persian held by James Bond’s nemesis, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, or the cat behind the desk of Don Corleone, or Lucifer, the companion of Cinderella’s evil stepmother, the presence of a feline is often a tipping point between ordinary villain and arch-villain. Though these examples are fictional, like all great movie conventions they are rooted in reality. Rumour has it that Guy Fawkes was convinced to carry out the Gunpowder Plot by a stray cat who heard there were exceptional chips hidden in the Houses of Parliament, and according to intelligence reports leaked from North Korea, dictator Kim Jong Il receives counsel from an all-Siamese advisory panel. The dynamic between cat and arch-villain is a complex one, and perhaps the most symbiotic of all interspecies relationships.
World domination is not a single-person enterprise. Villains who aspire to more than the occasional petty small-time bank robbery know they need allies. As an animal that naturally maintains dominance over all it surveys, cats are uniquely qualified to advise these evil powerseekers on topics such as double-crossing, silencing do-gooders and constructing a W80 thermonuclear warhead that can be deployed via cruise missile using the BGM-109G Gryphon GLCM.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
6:00 A.M. Wake up evil army by stepping on all of their faces
8:45 A.M. Stare at shark tank for twenty minutes before selecting which one you want for breakfast
The decision to ally oneself with an arch-villain, however, is a difficult one. First of all, helping a human take control of a world that is already ours seems a bit silly, but sometimes a power-sharing agreement is preferable to protracted conflict. There are several important questions to consider before aiding any diabolical plot:
What kind of food is the dastardly genius offering in exchange for your services? Are we talking plain-old tinned chicken hearts and liver, or is there a promise of fresh cod? The chances are good that your involvement will result in the subjugation of all mankind, so demand that food be at least four out of five stars.
How competent is the arch-villain? Azrael was a strong, proud cat, but his alliance with the bumbling evil wizard Gargamel perpetually made him look foolish. Being undone and embarrassed by a piddling group of blue half-men like the Smurfs is something no cat should ever endure. Before you sign on with an evildoer, request to see a CV of past malevolent deeds. Additionally, have him detail his five- and ten-year plans. Find out if he hopes to rule over a hemisphere or if his ambition begins and ends with blowing up a dam. Remember, arch-villains need you more than you need them. Be selective.
Does the arch-villain have plans for domination beyond earth? This is a critical question. If the rogue is setting up moon bases, building menacing spaceships or developing intergalactic teleportation technology, cats may finally be able to search for the succulent alien fish thought to exist in the frozen Venusian ocean.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
9:30 A.M. Get on the blower with the South American outpost and see how the construction of the satellite field in the heart of the Amazon is coming along Noon Chase slowly rolling smoke bomb around
How comfortable is the arch-villain’s lap? As his official cat, you will be spending nearly all of your time there. He’ll need to keep in contact with you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There is no time off in the world-domination business. The last thing you want is to be stuck on a bony pelvis. Make sure to inspect the thighs of the arch-villain before signing on. If there’s a little padding on the lower half, you’ll be in good shape, but make sure it’s not too rotund. You don’t want to be the nearest thing in reach of a Jabba the Hutt-type when he starts feeling hungry.
If you ultimately decide to align with an arch-villain, there are certain protocols to follow. You won’t always see eye to eye, but direct confrontation is messy and time-consuming. Also, it’s best not to rile homicidal maniacs. If you want to get your way or make a suggestion, there is an easy, peaceful method to communicate ideas:
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
12:15 P.M. Hiss at Interpol agent who threw smoke bomb as he engages in hand-to-hand combat with henchmen
3:00 P.M. Play with rope that is keeping Interpol agent tied to a chair
1 When you are in the lap of the arch-villain, he will have a natural compulsion to pet you.
2 As the arch-villain strokes your fur, begin to meditate on the given situation. Let’s say, for example, that he leads an organized-crime syndicate and some sad bloke is in the office, begging for forgiveness after once again failing to pay his weekly tribute. If the grovelling human happens to run a decent bakery or sells high-quality meats, he will probably offer food in lieu of cash. Visualize the arch-villain’s henchmen refraining from taking a cricket bat to the man’s legs.
3 Once you’ve made the decision to show mercy, a special glycoprotein with encoded instructions is
