can absorb feline glycoprotein, so when their fingertips make contact with you the instructions travel through their bloodstream and into their brains. Once there, your message is received and your bidding is carried out.4 In this case, the order to show mercy is communicated, and soon you will be snacking on doughnuts and beef.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT
6:30 P.M. Climb to top of watchtower, consider signalling to clueless guards that an SAS regiment is approaching; nap instead
8:00 P.M. Go back down to command centre to see who’s in charge now
Perhaps you are asking: Why not ally with a superhero instead of an arch-villain? It really comes down to shared goals. Very rarely does one hear of a superhero who aims to control all space and time. They just don’t have the same drive and ambition as their wicked adversaries. There is, however, one caveat to consider. All arch-villains have an expiry date. Eventually the hubris from which they derive power causes their downfall. If you find yourself in a flaming underground bunker as your arch-villain and a super-spy are battling it out, don’t be afraid to switch sides. You are under no obligation to go down with the secret island base. Jump on the arch-villain’s back and start clawing like crazy while the good guy blasts him with a laser gun. Then prepare to be whisked away to safety and honoured for your heroics. This new standing will put you in a good position to become a democratically elected universal ruler – so either way, it’s win-win.
Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom
Today’s cat is busier than ever. A crush of distractions and ever-increasing responsibilities compete for our limited attention. Scan the ceiling for bugs. Check the sink for dirty dishes. Tear apart that new bouquet of flowers on the coffee table. Just thinking about it all is enough to drive you mad.
Being beautifully groomed may seem like yet another chore, but a cat’s appearance can’t be put at the bottom of the list.
Life should never get in the way of your beauty. Just groom, groom, groom, groom, groom, groom, groom right through a busy day.
MID-SECTION
Properly wedging in between your sleeping person’s knees sometimes takes quite a few tries. Don’t let an opportunity for a good mid-section cleaning go by as she tosses back and forth. She’s soundly half-asleep, so go ahead and slurp all you want.
PAWS
You’ve been scratching at the underside of the mattress for fifteen minutes straight. Take a break now and then to rid your lovely mitts of all that dust while your person pleads for you to come out of there.
BEHIND THE EARS
When smacking the bedroom door to gain entry, stop occasionally to hear if your person is climbing out of bed. That’s a good time to clean well behind the ears before resuming scratching at the door until it opens.
UNDER THE CHIN
The shower curtain requires cleaning again and your person is too busy blow-drying her hair to be bothered. Licking it spotless falls to you, and that’s a big job. Use the water that collects in the fur under your chin as a moisturizer. You’ll look so good leaving the bathroom no one will ever guess how much work you did.
SHOULDERS
Don’t be tempted to stand idly watching your person try to find her keys before she leaves the house. It’s an entertaining way to spend ten minutes, but not really the best use of your time. Here’s a time-saving tip: The moment she starts to wave goodbye, take a serious interest in your shoulders. After all, the show’s pretty much over and there’s no point in just standing there.
FACE
As you’re getting comfortable for the ride to Planet Naptune, squeeze in a quick scrub of your pretty face. You’ll be a more attractive snoozer and also discover that the dream flying saucer goes even faster with slick whiskers.
BOTTOM
When your person returns home you’re expected to sit down and listen to her day. It’s just as easy to feign paying attention while cleaning your bottom.
By the eighteenth century cats were safely ensconced inside homes, but they were having trouble getting any real attention. Humans were so busy running around maintaining empires, inventing steam engines and posing for ridiculously detailed oil portraits that they had little space in their schedules for cuddle sessions. On the off chance a human happened to be lying around the house, it was because he was too woozy from copious medicinal leechings to be out making history, let alone paying attention to cat antics.
However, it just so happened that these blood-deprived humans also had a habit of passing out and knocking over kerosene lamps. While cats were annoyed at having to constantly lick them awake and guide them to safety through walls of flame, it was because of these heroics that humans finally stopped taking cats for granted.
Even with this victory, the situation failed to substantially improve. Cats were getting attention, but it was decidedly subpar. They bristled at the occasional ham-fisted pat the man of the house dished out, or wriggled frantically against strangleholds the children inflicted.
Cats everywhere grew increasingly dissatisfied with the frequency and quality of attention received, and soon fervent but anonymously penned pamphlets began to circulate. The most heralded tract was ‘A Petition for Proper Petting’.
A groundswell of popular support for these notions gained steam. Our Forefather Felines knew that to make cohabitation work they must firmly establish the fundamentals governing affection, and thus a group of respected elders was convened. Known as the Angora Assembly, this distinguished delegation included cats who went on to become some of our most famous political figures, such as notorious yowler Parliamentary Puss and vain yet just House Cat of Lords.
After much debate on human hand technique, an initial draft of the Laws of Petting was drawn up.
However, dissenting member Pussy Willow, a foul-tempered Siamese, argued that this historic document must not merely illustrate the manner in which we shall be petted but should likewise establish a cat’s basic rights to be petted when, where and for however long she wants.
After a great deal of hissing and quick smacks to one another’s heads, these leaders finally came to agreement, and so ratified the Laws of Petting.
To this day these Laws protect and govern our right to be petted in such manner and at such times as we require and demand.
PREAMBLE TO THE LAWS
