size and location, location, location. Maggie once turned down a nifty apartment after she tested the sleeping loft. Knowing what she knew from Danny, she scurried up the ladder and tried several positions to check out the distance between the bed and the ceiling. If she couldn’t sit up straight, neither could any guy who was more than five feet tall.
There are some folks who swear by water beds, so if your ultimate fantasy is rocking with the waves, have a great time. Gay guys know that the problem with water beds is that they have to sit inside a rigid frame, which can be rough and tough on skin. Worse, the frame is a real pain if it’s under your jaw or if he’s banging his shins against it. We do not advise it. Ditto for thin futons, which can be torture on the knees. More important is that you make sure all the screws on your bed frame are nice and tight so you don’t conduct a squeaky symphony that may lead to an eviction notice. The last word on beds is that gay men wouldn’t even consider anything less than queen size.
Bed linens are a matter of taste, as long as you don’t have to waste time throwing off dozens of toss pillows and, if you must, cutesy stuffed animals. One of our gay friends told us a story from a time, long ago, when he was dating a girl. He thought he had pulled off a suave seduction when he cleared the bed by throwing her stuffed animals onto the floor. Her passion quickly turned from ardor to anger, and he was given his walking papers. To this day, he still can’t believe she put her Gunds before his goods. Steer clear of scratchy bedspreads. Lose the cords to the electric blanket.
Some women inadvertently make their partners feel really weird about the inevitable wet spot. Remember, guys consider their own ejaculations as evidence of their achievement, so one shouldn’t run off to bury a “trophy” under a towel. By the same token, seeing the spot left by the last guy can be a real turn-off. Gay men know that would be impolite. Good cotton sheets will allow the moisture to soak through to the mattress pad. This is a lot better than having to dry out the mattress after each encounter. And it goes without saying, clean sheets are a must!
Everyone knows that one or two strategically placed pillows can make things better and deeper. Some guys at a health spa turned us on to pillows filled with buckwheat hulls. These are great because they give firm support under your neck, tummy or bottom, but they are also pliable. Try putting them in the freezer for half an hour for a new and interesting sensation. We’ve found them at upscale spas such as Ten Thousand Waves in Santa Fe. In a pinch, a slightly squishier version, with the brand name of Bucky, is available at most travel stores.
The next item of business is about what’s next to your bed. A nightstand or small table with a drawer is ideal. Whatever it is, it has to hold an assortment of accessories that will enhance and facilitate your performance. Right on top is a pump bottle of lotion, but remember this is for hand jobs and massages only (see chapter 5). Any special lubricants, such as Aqua-lube or Wet, should be stowed discreetly in the drawer. Also in the drawer are your condoms (see chapter 8) so that they’re within easy reach. If you don’t have a drawer, then make sure you find some sort of small hinged container, even if it’s a cigar box, with a top that flips up easily. Who wants to fumble around in the heat of passion? That’s for amateurs.
Your drawer may also contain one or more toys (see chapter 11) and a clean washcloth or face towel. Women often have a box of tissues by their beds, which they might think is a perfectly fine way to sop up semen. Save the tissues for blowing your nose. Semen is sticky and, let’s face it, a guy feels pretty ridiculous having tissues stuck to his penis after sex. What’s more, it’s nearly impossible to remove tissue bits after they dry. If you insist on the tissues, get Puffs Plus with Aloe because they’re not as abrasive. Good gay etiquette, however, insists on the washcloth or face towel. A soft terry cloth is a lot nicer on sensitive skin. It won’t stick, and you can toss it back into the drawer after you’re done. Just remember to wash it the next day.
Before the action starts, bring along a glass of ice water and place it on the nightstand. Certainly you can sip the water periodically to wet your whistle during oral interludes, but there are other advantages as well. Having a few ice cubes within reach comes in handy for sensuous foreplay on neck, mouth and nipples. If you’re feeling adventurous, there are guys who swear that a small ice cube in their bottom is a fabulous novelty when inserted just before orgasm. A word of caution: Make sure the ice has melted down to a reasonably small size, because crisp edges on the cube are definitely a no-no.
Light switches should, obviously, be accessible to accommodate different tastes and moods. The romance of candles is marvelous, with good lighting to boot. But if something catches fire it can be a real downer, so use candles in glass holders. Gay guys have a penchant for Rigaud.
Finally, unless you’re planning on inviting over a bunch of guys to watch the Super Bowl, we highly recommend that your VCR and TV be visible from the bed. Not only is luring him onto the bed to watch Friends a good way to make it happen, but who knows what might be in store if you just happen to have a naughty little video set up in the VCR beforehand (see chapter 11)? It goes without saying that a remote control is an absolute necessity.
Since you and Mr. Stiffy are going to become very close friends, we thought you’d want to know a bit about his background: where he comes from, his likes and dislikes, his thoughts, his aspirations. So here it is: everything you should know about penises, but no straight man would tell you.
Straight guys may say this to a buddy when they run into each other at their local alehouse. What do they mean? Probably it’s just another way of saying “How are you doing,” but because men are obsessed with their penises, they’ll find any excuse to slip them into the conversation under veiled pretenses. If it’s hanging low, that probably means that they’ve gotten laid recently, and therefore, they’re doing pretty well. If it’s high and tight, it means they’ve been a little stressed and need to get boffed. Mind you, men don’t actually say these things, but that’s the underlying meaning of “How’s it hanging?”
Just where does it hang? For one thing, not all penises actually do hang. Most men, however, can definitely tell you which side of the zipper their manshaft lives on. It’s sort of like being right- or left-handed; it just seems to prefer one side naturally. Maggie thought that “it” usually went down the side of a guy’s pant leg, and Danny said, “Only if you’re lucky.”
For your purposes, you need never ask your partner how he’s hanging, but you will need to understand a little about the psychology of penises if you want your friendship with Mr. Stiffy, regardless of whom he’s attached to, to last. All men, straight or gay, are concerned about the size of their rod. Straight guys may not want to admit it, but they’re size queens, too. Even though
