how long his is, usually to within the millimeter. When your partner drops a line that lets you know that he’s obsessed with his penis or, rather, how obsessed he is, you’ll have to be subtle and encouraging. Don’t, for example, start laughing and say something like. “If that’s seven inches, then the ceilings in here must be twenty feet high.” He will never forget this; he may even plot your death. Remember that penises come in an amazing variety of sizes, shapes and styles, and that they all have something to offer you as your new friend.
Men seem to become obsessed with their penises from about birth on. We all remember a three-year-old nephew or a neighbor’s kid casually watching TV and diddling with his fiddle at the same time. Although many men would probably love to recall their first erection, they were probably too young to have any recollection at all. What they do remember, however, is the first appearance of pubic hair and their first wet dream. And yes, by the way, grown men can have wet dreams, but that usually means they really need to get it bad. The arrival of pubic hair and wet dreams is unbelievably shocking and embarrassing.
One guy we know was so proud of one of his early erections that be stuck a little gold star on the tip, covering the opening. Unfortunately for him, the star had a remarkably strong adhesive. Convinced that he was going to explode and die from never being able to pee again, the poor lad finally had to show his dad, a physician who ended up removing the star with a surgical knife. Just the thought of someone approaching the penis with a sharp instrument is enough to set most guys trembling. Actually having had this experience must be another matter altogether. So even though you may want to give a gold star to your newfound friend, Mr. Stiffy, we don’t recommend actually placing it on him. Besides, you’re the one who’ll be getting the gold star—or gold bracelet, necklace, you name it—for knowing so much about him!
Perhaps the most important thing for you to know is the difference between growers and show-ers. Some gay men, feeling pretty evolved about their erections, may say in conversation, “I’m a grower, not a show-er.” This is their way of letting a potential partner know that that tiny little thing in their underwear actually gets a lot bigger when it’s aroused. By some cruel twist of nature, some men are blessed with penises that look fairly large all the time, and only get a little bigger when erect. Some men have teeny-weeny peenies that get amazingly larger, and some poor guys have teeny-weenies that stay pretty teeny all the time.
The grower/show-er conundrum is especially sensitive for men, since they are often in situations where other men will see their equipment, beginning with high school gym class and later in bathrooms, at the gym, or at a friend’s poolside cabana. To put it simply, show-ers are the men who never wear a towel around their waist in the locker room, and growers are the ones who always wear a towel. And even though they know that their own Mr. Stiffy can get just as big as that show-er next to them in the shower, it’s a source of constant anxiety.
While most American men are circumcised these days, many men in the rest of the world are not. Contrary to what many guys will tell you, circumcision does not reduce penis size; there’s just a little bit less skin to play with. In some ways, it’s a moot point, because all erect penises look and work pretty much the same way. The skin on a circumcised erection will be very taut, which is why you’ll want to treat it gently; rubbing it too hard will make the skin sensitive and red. With an uncircumcised guy, you’ll hold the extra skin at the base while you’re working your manual magic and oral action. There are a few tricks you can try with the foreskin, too, such as licking and sucking on it, which are discussed in more detail later on.
So, you ask, what exactly does your new friend experience during sex? The first stage is arousal. You’ll have no trouble believing that men seem to get aroused at just about anything. During arousal, and this may be before you even see the penis, the pulse and breathing rate will increase, and Mr. Softee will fill up and become Mr. Stiffy. The entire shaft and head usually become larger, and the head becomes especially sensitive. Our polls show men split about evenly when it comes to their most sensitive spot. For some guys, it’s on the top part of the head, the part that would be facing his stomach if he were lying down. Others say that the section on the underside, just below the rim of the head, is their secret superspot.
Why men get erections at inappropriate times is another matter altogether. Sometimes, boxer shorts just hit the right—or wrong—way and the next thing a guy knows he’s sitting in Starbucks with a cappuccino and a woody. Every man in the world remembers being in junior high with a hard-on, nervously eyeing the clock and knowing that class will be over in three very short minutes, with no deflation in sight. Women may never know just how often this happens to men, but it’s a never-ending problem. In fact, this could be the reason why men often seem distracted in the middle of a conversation. One minute they’re listening closely to your latest business strategy, and the next, all they can think about is how they can stand up without Mr. Stiffy pitching a tent right into their Caesar salad.
Way back when, when Danny was a host in a restaurant and gentlemen customers would unabashedly flirt with him to get a good table, this used to happen to him all the time. Luckily, the restaurant had huge menus that he could hold at the right angle to cover up any embarrassing bulges, and he just prayed that it would go away by the time he reached the table. “I need a menu” became a much-used euphemism around the restaurant, which was especially loved by our friend Laurie, who was fond of popping up at the host stand during the lunch rush and asking if Danny needed a menu. Somehow, she always knew when he did.
The next stage after arousal is big, bigger, biggest. Mr. Stiffy will become his absolute stiffest and tallest, and the ridge around the head will get bigger and extra sensitive, too. This is when you’ll want to be careful not to overdo it, unless you’re into very brief sexual encounters. One way to tell if your guy is close to orgasm is to check out his balls. If they look tight and are close to the shaft, then that means he’s pretty close. If they’re way up, that means he may be at “the point of no return,” and there’s no turning back. The big, bigger, biggest phase can be long or short. We suggest paying attention to other parts of his body in between manual and oral action, so that you’re not left watching the evening news afterward, when you were planning to watch the late, late show.
As one nears orgasm, the heart and breathing rates increase rapidly, and muscles will tense up. Like women, men climax in little contractions, about eight of them to be exact, according to a friend of ours in medical school, and around one second apart. Ejaculation can be accompanied by any variety of responses. We’ve seen laughers, criers, screamers, guys who whinny like a horse, and more. Some guys tremble involuntarily, some hardly make a peep. Danny says he’s been known to laugh during climax, and some guys get all paranoid and stuff, asking what’s so funny? Whatever your guy does, you’ll want to be warm and encouraging. Hug him if he seems to want it; kisses immediately after climax can be tough, because you’ll both be breathing pretty heavily. One final tip: Do not grab it right after climax, because
