that you are no longer in love with a man named Alex ‘at all whatsoever’, as you so articulately put it.
Rosie: Oh my God, Ruby!! I just sent Greg the message that was supposed to be for you!! Fuck fuck FUCKETY FUCK! I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM!!!!
Greg: Em … that, eh … went to me again, Rosie. Sorry …
Rosie: Oh …
Ruby: Oh what?
Rosie: OK, so that has to be the singularly most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me, without any doubts, NO exceptions!!!
Ruby: What about the time you wore that white dress out to a club with no underwear on, and someone spilled water all over you and it was suddenly completely see-through?
Rosie: OK, so that was pretty embarrassing.
Ruby: And what about the time you were in the supermarket and you grabbed another little girl’s hand by mistake and started dragging her out to the car while Katie waited inside crying her eyes out?
Rosie: That little girl’s mother said it was fine and she dropped the charges.
Ruby: And what about the time—
Rosie: OK, that’s enough, thank you! Maybe it was not the most embarrassing thing ever, but it’s pretty much up there with the all-time classics. The number-one embarrassing moment being the time I kissed Alex.
Ruby: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Rosie: Oh, come on, you’re supposed to make me feel better.
Ruby: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Rosie: The joy of having supportive friends. I’m going now; Randy Andy is glaring at me like a schoolmaster over the rim of his incredibly sexy brown-rimmed spectacles.
Ruby: Maybe he wants you to be the naughty schoolgirl.
Rosie: Well, he’s just a few years too late for that. I think he wants to kill me. His nostrils are flaring and he’s breathing quite heavily.
Ruby: Are his hands above the desk?
Rosie: Uuugh! Ruby, stop!
Ruby: What? You don’t think they call him Randy Andy for nothing, do you?
Rosie: I hate open-plan offices. He can see me from every corner of this room, and my legs underneath the desk. Oh my, now he’s staring at my legs.
Ruby: Rosie, you really need to get out of that office. It’s not healthy.
Rosie: I know, I’m working on it, but I can’t quit until I get another job and that’s proving to be rather difficult. Apparently no one really cares about whether or not you work as a secretary in a paperclip factory.
Ruby: How odd … and it sounds so glamorous.
Rosie: Oh my God, he has now moved his chair over so he can get a better look. Hold on a minute while I send him a message. I’ve had enough!
Ruby: Don’t!
Rosie: Why not? I’ll just send him a polite message asking him to stop looking at me because I find it distracting while I’m trying to work.
You have an instant message from: ROSIE.
Rosie: Stop staring at my tits, you pervert.
Rosie: OK, Ruby, I sent it.
Ruby: Oh, you are so fired. Randy Andy doesn’t take too kindly to brash young ladies who stick up for themselves.
Rosie: Screw him! He can’t fire me for that!
Ms. Rosie Dunne,
Andy Sheedy Paperclip & Co. will no longer be requiring your services, which means that your contract will therefore not be up for renewal next month as was previously discussed.
You are, however, entitled to remain as an employee of Andy Sheedy Paperclip & Co. until the end of the month, i.e. 30 June.
Andy Sheedy Paperclip & Co. thanks you for the work you have put into the company over the past few years and we wish you luck in the future.
Yours sincerely,
Andy Sheedy
Owner of Andy Sheedy Paperclip & Co.
You have an instant message from: ROSIE.
Rosie: I faxed the letter over, did you see it?
Ruby: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Rosie: Do you know what? The more I read it, the more I’m glad that I’m leaving. The name Andy Sheedy Paperclip & Co. says it all really, doesn’t it? I wonder who wrote the letter for him, seeing as I’m his secretary and that’s my job. I probably did it myself and didn’t even realise it. Ah well, so what do you think?
Ruby: This is the best way to leave. Rosie Dunne, you will go down in history in this building as the woman who told Randy Andy to eff off. I will spread the word, Rosie; you being fired will not have been in vain. I’ll miss you! Where will you go?
Rosie: I have absolutely no idea.
Ruby: Why don’t you apply for a job in a hotel? Ever since I met you you’ve been going on and on about hotels.
Rosie: I know. I have a slight obsession with them. Before I had Katie all I ever wanted to do was run a hotel. I don’t think that will ever happen now but we all need dreams. We all need hope, that something more than what we have is possible to achieve.
Perhaps it’s the huge furniture that makes me feel so safe in hotels, like oversized vases the size of people, and couches that wouldn’t fit in my living room and kitchen put together. I feel like Alice in Wonderland in hotel lobbies. At least I have a month to find somewhere. It shouldn’t be that hard. I’d better start writing up my CV.
Ruby: That shouldn’t take long then.
From Rosie
To Alex
Subject Is my CV OK?
Attachment: CV. doc
Please, please, please help me with my CV or my poor daughter and I will starve to death. How do I make all my crappy jobs look impressive? Help! Help! Help!
From Alex
To Rosie
Subject Re: CV
Attachment: CV. doc
As
