Explanation
Once we have gathered our information we need to analyse it as objectively as we can. That which we cannot change we are then more easily able to accept or delegate as the responsibility of others.
This aspect of our work often entails looking back into the past to gain some understanding of the present. Critical ‘outsiders’ often think that when we do this our main objective is to apportion blame. But certainly no one is on trial in this work. Any analysis we do is merely a small (albeit important) step in the process of helping us to increase our ability to take more responsibility (not less) for our own feelings and our future.
| Taking a logical look at the facts helps us to clarify, accept and take responsibility for what we can change. |
Love
This is the essential food of the whole programme! Self-love must be administered immediately and abundantly in very practical and clearly demonstrable ways. Ideally I would recommend a week locked in a luxurious health hotel before even reading the next chapter of the book! Most people could do with a boost to their physical energy before embarking on a personal development work, but those of us with low self-esteem are likely to have an even greater need of some extra physical care and nurturing.
But it isn’t just at the start of the your programme that you will need to ‘spoil yourself’ with evidence of your self-love; your progress will benefit greatly if you keep taking substantial doses of this medicine throughout your work.
If you have grown up in the belief that this kind of love is sinful and immoral, you may need first to work on challenging the ethics and rationality behind this. If you are in the habit of confusing the ethics of self-love with selfishness, the exercises in Chapter 6 should help – but even once ‘converted’ you may still find yourself addicted to people-pleasing habits. You need to treat this infliction just as you would any other self-destructive habit (see Chapter 4).
Focus
Low self-esteem causes so many problems in so many areas of our lives and relationships that it is easy to get overwhelmed or flit our attention anxiously from one area to another. It is, therefore, very important to focus on one manageable problem at a time; in so doing we not only greatly enhance our chance of success but also give ourselves the opportunity to enjoy and fully benefit from the confidence boost that accompanies each achievement.
The initial problems you focus on must be only mildly, rather than extremely challenging. (For example, you could choose to work on boosting your self-esteem when you are in the company of certain people whom you do not need particularly to impress but with whom you would like to feel more comfortable and at ease. This means that you have a better chance of keeping your anxiety levels within manageable limits.)
| Throughout your programme, therefore, you should focus on one problem at a time. |
I find that most people are desperate to dive in at the deep end of their problems. Resist this temptation by reminding yourself that the world of self-esteem is a dangerous whirlpool and not at all a friendly sea!
Envisaging
We can greatly increase our motivation if we constantly keep a clear image in the forefront of our minds of the new self-assured persona we are trying to acquire. You will find that in several programmes I suggest doing exercises which will help you to feed your subconscious with positive images of the ‘you’ you are trying to become. I have found that it also helps enormously if we share this dream image with other people. (Why not start now by telling at least one supportive friend that you are currently reading and working through this book, and letting him or her know what positive changes you envisage for yourself?)
Strategy
As I said earlier, strategies and even aggressive action plans are essential – but they must be broken down into small, practical steps. Often I will suggest a specific format for your action plan depending on the kind of work you are doing. But a golden rule for any of your programmes is always to be aware of at least three specific and immediate goals, as well as your long-term wider aims. Like the latter, these should be freely spoken about and always written down and placed where they can be readily and regularly viewed.
| Back up your plans with excellent organization. |
The first step must be to show yourself that you ‘mean business’ by making your self-esteem plans look like professional documents. Type them up if you can, or at the very least write them out in clear legible handwriting using highlighted headings and lists with bullet points or numbers. You should then date them and file them away (unless they can be pinned up for all to see!). I always suggest allocating, at the very least, a special folder or file for personal development work. (Why not stop reading and find one right now – even if it is only a temporary one?) You will then need to mark it Private and Confidential and place it in a safe place – but not one which is so well hidden that you yourself might forget it is there! Use this file to keep your written work in, and as a safe-haven for any other bits and pieces you may want to accumulate while working (for example ideas or observations jotted down on bits of paper at work, interesting photos, cartoons, articles, quotations, etc.).
Triggers
Breaking any habit is hard, but because low self-esteem patterns often have been ingrained in childhood they can be tougher than most to overcome. Because these patterns are often conditioned responses they can sometimes be stimulated by simple associations with ‘everyday’ experiences. I’m sure most people know the feeling of ‘shrivelling’ one size smaller just on hearing a certain word, smelling the whiff of a particular aroma or even experiencing certain weather such as a storm. Even if we cannot completely ‘brainwash’ such responses into oblivion, identifying and naming them does demystify them, keeps us on our guard and prepares us for taking corrective action. (See particularly the strategy called ‘Breaking Self-Destructive Habits’ in Chapter 4.)
Encouragement
Because the process of personal development usually takes place at a ‘plodding’ rather than a ‘breakneck’ pace, it is more likely to be sustained if it is regularly bolstered by support. But in self-esteem-building work such support should, first and foremost, come from ourselves in the form of regular motivational treats. As most people with low self-esteem tend to be mean in the way that they reward themselves, we usually need strong, efficient reminders. (A constructive job for a nagging friend?!)
Experimentation
As with every human learning process, the more individually tailored your development programme, the more likely it is to be successful. For example, throughout this book I suggest numerous exercises and give you many ‘Do’ and ‘Don’t’ lists,
