As I was writing this, memories from my own childhood came flooding back – quite probably difficult emotional bells have started to ring for you, too. Maybe if you are a parent like me you may have identified not only with the children’s experiences, but also with the imperfect guilty adults!
Perhaps we can take some comfort in reminding ourselves that we are not alone. In fact we are probably in the company of the vast majority because, even in today’s psychologically enlightened world, these kinds of knocks to children’s self-esteem are still very commonplace. The good news is that there is hope for us yet, on both fronts! In the following chapters there are guidelines on how to heal your own childhood emotional wounds (Chapter 3) and guidelines on how to break unwanted habits which seem to compel us to knock rather than build others’ self-esteem (Chapter 9). But for the moment let’s return to our discussion of how we acquire negative self-esteem and other unwanted aspects of ourselves – because this knowledge can fuel our motivation to change.
What effect does the battering of a child’s self-esteem have on the formation of his or her personality? There are some people who still (in spite of much psychological evidence to the contrary) argue that this kind of emotional abuse can in fact have a positive effect (‘It helps toughen them up and prepare them for the real world’ and ‘humility is after all an ennobling virtue’).
Perhaps in some cultures, in some circumstances and with some children, one or two of the examples I have given could have a positive psychological effect. But the evidence strongly suggests that children whose self-esteem has been repeatedly knocked in these ways are much more likely to enter adulthood with two very serious disadvantages:
1. A ‘victim’ style of personality – deeply embedded in their psyche is the belief that life is destined to offer them only more discouragement and abuse – and furthermore that they are powerless to defend themselves from such injustice. In addition, because it is a psychological ‘law’ that like seeks like, they will find themselves unconsciously drawn towards experiences and relationships which will confirm their view of themselves as losers, and of life as disappointing. Because they are not expecting ‘the best’ they may not even notice positive opportunities. If happiness does by chance enter their experience they always reserve a degree of suspicion and expect their ‘unusual fortune’ to be short-lived. Having such a negatively inclined view of their future, they tend to be very unmotivated to assert their needs or develop their potential for either success or happiness.
2. A deficiency of social and life skills – which means that they are much less able to behave automatically in ways which are self-protective, self-confident and self-empowering. For example, coming from the kind of childhood background we have identified is unlikely to have encouraged them to learn the important arts of speaking, acting and presenting themselves in ways that will ensure that they are noticed and respected. They may even find compliments and genuine appreciation embarrassing, simply because they do not know how to handle them assertively. Those who by nature are introverts are likely to be seen as painfully shy, those who are are extroverts will be seen as too ‘pushy’ or ‘loud’. Neither will find supportive nurturing relationships easy to form and maintain.
| Psychologically deprived and damaged children will find themselves very much less able to withstand even the normal wear and tear of adult emotional life. |
Such children, therefore, enter the adult world with noticeably less personal power than those who have had the growth of their self-esteem encouraged and boosted. This means that in our current society they are also very much less able to achieve any other kind of power, including the basic economic power to earn a reasonable living.
How Self-esteem Can Be Dented and Battered in our Adult Lives
Unfortunately, even if we have had a charmed emotional childhood our self-esteem still has a tough survival course to work through in modern everyday adult life. I am sure most of you can identify with many of these following examples as well! You can use this list as a checklist to reflect on how your self-esteem may have been damaged during the last month.
