meetings and social gatherings they do not hog more than their fair share of attention.
It is obvious that they often seem just as interested in listening to others as they are in having their own voices heard.
They can enjoy being a member of a partnership, a team or a community and are usually willing to compromise and negotiate to secure harmonious relationships and a good deal for the ‘common good’.
They are never threatened by the success and happiness of others, and so can often be seen actively encouraging other people’s development and welfare.
Although they often emerge as the natural leaders of groups, they are also able and willing to share power and authority and delegate appropriately.
Appropriately Assertive
They stand up for their own needs and rights but, equally, they can be relied upon to fight for justice for others as well. If occasionally their assertive attempts to solve important problems fail, they are happy to use both passive or aggressive strategies to obtain fair and sensible resolutions.
Self-developing
Although it is obvious that they have a deservedly high degree of self-worth, they are often self-reflective.
They are happy to acknowledge their imperfections and mistakes as well as their strengths and achievements, because they are continually searching for ways and means to improve their behaviour and performance.
Although they will not waste much energy or time doing battle with aggressive and destructive critics, they do welcome constructive feedback and advice.
You can expect them to be engaged in some ongoing educational or personal development project (even though in our envious eyes they already appear to have reached the pinnacle of perfection!).
Don’t be daunted by this idealized description of a self-esteem paragon of virtue. Even if you were lucky enough to meet a person who displayed all of these characteristics all of the time, I think it is unlikely that you would feel diminished in his or her presence. Contrary to what many people (who mistakenly confuse high self-esteem with arrogance) think, when we are in the company of people with very high self-esteem we tend to feel better, not worse about ourselves. When we are with them we are likely to feel:
At ease. Because they are often so relaxed and we sense that we have full permission to be ourselves. They will not need us to be something that we are not in order to make themselves feel superior or to impress anyone else who may be around.
Safe. Because they will never use bullying tactics to make themselves feel more in control. Our sense of security is enhanced because we know where we stand with them. We trust that they they will give us honest and direct feedback and do not fear any rumblings under the carpet. Knowing that they have a strong survival instinct and are prepared to fight courageously when under threat, we willingly depend on them. We can rest assured that they will readily take the lead and assertively defend anyone’s rights in the event of injustice or abuse.
Valued. Because they tend to show appreciation for each individual’s strengths, efforts and achievements. They do not demand that we are mirror images of them and will actively show respect for our views and values even though these may be very different from their own. Because they are so aware and accepting of their own shortcomings, they do not expect us to be perfect, so we feel we can be both unconditionally liked and loved.
Stimulated. Because they are brilliant and inspiring role-models. Their energy and enthusiasm is highly infectious, so that being with them kindles potential in us that we may never have even dreamed we had. Indeed, in their presence we often feel our courage and motivation grow as our own self-esteem is spontaneously rekindled and nourished.
So although high self-esteem is essentially an internal psychological event, it also can exert a powerfully beneficial effect on the external environment. But of course (as most of us can testify from our own everyday uncomfortable experiences), the reverse is also unfortunately true. People who have low self-esteem not only consistently sabotage their own health, welfare and happiness, but they also frequently exert a depressing and sometimes highly detrimental effect on the world around them.
Let’s remind ourselves of the negative cycle of low self-esteem attitudes and behaviour.
Why Do Some People Have More Self-esteem than Others?
I firmly believe that we all start off in life with the same potential for good self-esteem. How many babies and young toddlers have you met who appear to be thinking negatively about themselves?! Unfortunately, we all know how quickly the picture soon changes. By the time the children are ready for school, the differences between each one’s self-esteem are noticeably marked.
It would appear that the seeds of our self-esteem begin to grow and develop as soon as we begin to experience a sense of ourselves as individuals. Typically it then embarks on a roller-coaster ride, being cultivated and strengthened one day only to be knocked back and diminished the next. The kind of childhood we experience is particularly important, because it is then that our basic personality traits and habits are formed.
Let’s look for a moment at some of the ways children’s natural propensity to feel good about being themselves may be threatened in the course of everyday life. I have listed below some examples which I have either experienced personally or have heard related to me. You can use this list as a checklist for yourself. As you are reading you could make a note of any of your own special memories as this could be useful to refer to when you begin to do the practical work in later sections.
I form a negative belief in myself that I am not an OK human being …
I begin to feel sensations of coldness, heaviness and tension in my body …
I have devaluing thoughts about myself, e.g. I am unlovable – I am unworthy of success – I am stupid, etc …
I begin to experience a loss of self-confidence and feel pessimistic …
I find that I am losing trust in people and the world around me …
I form the belief that it is unlikely that the world will ever be able to meet my needs or give me happiness …
I stop bothering to try to get my needs met or achieve success …
I become aware that I am actually much less happy and successful than some other people around me …
