of her own home. Seeing Jack in a state was proving too much for her. She was so grateful to Hari, who instantly went into leader mode and took control of the situation.
‘OK, what needs to happen right now ladies,’ she addressed the two kids’ club staff members, ‘is that we need you both to step back and give Jack some space. I’m sure we don’t need both of you out here so if you wouldn’t mind…’ She nodded towards the second woman who had joined them and indicated that she return to the crèche. The woman didn’t appreciate being told what to do but the receptionist surprisingly backed Harriet up and said, ‘Perhaps you should go back inside, I’m fine out here.’
‘Right, Nance, put the headphones next to him on the floor so they are there when he calms down.’
Nancy did as she was told, sniffing back the tears that were now falling down her face.
‘And just FYI,’ Harriet addressed the receptionist, ‘Jack has autism, so this isn’t just a child having a tantrum, and we would appreciate some support as opposed to the judgemental looks.’
The woman looked away, half embarrassed and half fuming at being addressed in this way but Nancy didn’t care right now, she just needed Jack to calm down. She was annoyed at herself for failing to cope in Jack’s moment of need. It was day one of their holiday and already she had crumbled. She couldn’t help but wonder if she was more wound up about this holiday than she realised. She knew Jack would struggle but she had coping mechanisms in place at home and she thought she’d be able to cope with anything he threw at her. But for some reason, she’d struggled today. It could be tiredness from the travel or worry about what might happen. Either way, she needed to get a grip on things if she was going to make it through this holiday with her sanity. She needed to refocus … and then she needed a drink.
***
‘Here, I think you need this, hey?’ Harriet passed Nancy a glass of sangria and watched as she gulped down half the contents in one swift movement. ‘Are you OK?’
Nancy exhaled, her gaze fixed on her glass. ‘Not really.’
Harriet felt incredibly sorry for her best friend. This last year had been so hard for Nancy, and she’d watched her friend slowly but surely lose her identity and a little bit of her sanity since Jack’s diagnosis and her marriage break up. Harriet tried to be there for her but there was only so much she could do and with work getting increasingly busy she knew she hadn’t been there for Nancy as much as she perhaps could have, which made her feel guilty. She’d wanted this holiday to be a positive break for them all, but she hadn’t envisaged Jack struggling with it. She hadn’t even thought about Jack if she was honest, which pretty much summed her up as a parent – useless.
‘It wasn’t your fault – she shouldn’t have taken Jack’s headphones.’
‘Yeah, but how was she supposed to know? How is anyone supposed to know? It’s so fucking hard, Hari.’
‘I know it is, but you can’t beat yourself up about it. This is going to happen, you just need to learn ways to get past it and help Jack to get past it, that’s all.’ She sipped at her own sangria.
‘But what if he doesn’t, Hari? What if he never improves and I spend my whole life one step behind him apologising for what he does and the chaos he creates when people do things he doesn’t like. I can’t constantly be there for him.’
‘You won’t have to be—’
‘How do you know? Does your child have bloody autism?’ Harriet froze at Nancy’s sudden outburst. ‘Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.’ Nancy exhaled and put her head in her hands. ‘I’m just fed up with getting it wrong – I don’t know what I’m doing, why is this so hard!’
‘You’re doing great! You’re doing a hell of a lot better than I would. Jeez, Nance, I can’t even look after my own children without getting it wrong and they’re a piece of cake in comparison.’ She held up her hand in apology. ‘Not saying Jack is difficult … I just meant—’
‘It’s fine,’ Nancy smiled. ‘I know what you mean.’ They sat there quietly for a minute before Nancy added, ‘And you’re doing a fine job with your children, stop putting yourself down.’
‘I don’t know, Nance, I know it’s nothing in comparison to what you have to deal with daily but I feel like I’m wading against the tide all the time. The children expect so much from me and I don’t have a clue. Put me in a boardroom with seventeen directors from multimillion-pound companies from around the world and I’m a pro, stick me in a play centre with my two children and it’s like they speak a different language to me!’ Hari laughed to lighten the comment. Whilst she was trying to make Nancy feel better about what had happened, there was more truth in what she was saying than she liked to admit.
‘You’re too hard on yourself.’
‘Nancy, the other week the nursery had to call me because I was over an hour late to pick up Tommy. I was too busy replying to emails. And then I did it again the day before we left.’ She lifted an eyebrow. ‘My own child, Nance, and I forgot!’
‘You’re under a lot of pressure with your job and everyone drops the ball every now and then, that’s just parenting. It’s shit.’ She clinked her glass with Harriet’s. ‘Welcome to the Shit Mums’ Club.’
‘Welcome? Are you kidding? I think I qualify for the presidency role at that club!’
‘Oh shush!’ Nancy waved the comment away. ‘It does make me think, though, Hari.’
‘What’s that then? Share your pearls of wisdom with me, oh wise one.’
‘Well, we can’t be the only parents in the world feeling like this. Maybe this is just what parenting is: a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from the very high to the very low on a daily basis with the constant need to self-criticise every single action you take – or don’t take.’
Harriet nodded. ‘Sounds pretty accurate to me.’ She sipped her drink again.
‘I just wish more people spoke about it and owned up to struggling instead of putting on a filter and pretending. It makes it so much harder for those of us who are genuinely pulling our hair out because we feel like the only ones. But, we can’t be.’
‘Well, I am totally on your side, Mrs, I certainly can’t say I’m acing parenthood. Screaming, crying, tantrums, poo on the floor, broccoli in the DVD player… it all happens at my house.’ Harriet’s confidence began to wane as she listed all the things her children did, the more she spoke, the more vulnerable she felt. Maybe the sangria had loosened her tongue a little too much. But Nancy was her friend, so if she couldn’t talk openly with her, then who could she talk to?
‘See, this is why mums need to stick together, this is why we should talk about these things because once you realise that every single parent is feeling this shit, it doesn’t feel so bad!’ Nancy slapped her knee as though she had had a revelation.
‘Another one for the road?’ Harriet asked, not waiting for an answer and making her way over to the bar. Laughter aside, Nancy had a point. Surely they couldn’t be the only parents out there struggling in some way? So why did she feel so alone?
***
Nancy watched Harriet leave and moved her attention to Jack who was sitting with his feet dangling in the pool,
