I wish I had taken photos of everyone sleeping after breakfast, but I was sleeping too! A few of us went to play ball hockey and winter tennis after our morning nap.
Rest is one of the good gifts that God gives us. It is built into all of creation, including you and me. I have never been one to rest during the day, until recently. I think I felt like I would be wasting time. Now rest has become a necessity for me. I have relinquished this seeming “wasted” time to God, along with a long list of many other things that I have relinquished since this cancer journey began. Things like my energy, my physical body, my independence, my waking and sleeping hours. I have handed all these things over to God, and it hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be.
God knows that I have a few projects and dreams that are on my heart. Would you join me in praying that the rest I am given will provide the time and energy to realize those dreams in due season?
Day 41—Making Memories
By Brenda Pue—February 10, 2014 9:44 p.m.
We arrived home from our Barnabas weekend with full hearts. Yesterday when Landon and I were out walking, he said, “Grammy, wouldn’t it be great if we could all just live here in this big house together, forever? I love it here.” I agree that it was a truly wonderful time for all of us. A fun project that Landon and I did together this weekend was making custom bracelets for the whole family.
It’s good to be home, though.
Now begins a new week, and here is what I’m facing: I am back into doctor appointments and more tests this week. The main appointment is another brain MRI on Thursday. This will be to determine what is happening with the cancerous lesions in my brain. I hope to get the results from the MRI the following week. I am experiencing fewer and less extreme headaches. I’m not entirely pain free but grateful to be feeling better than I was. I’ve noticed whenever I have a test or scan that my mind fills with questions. And the one thing the human brain doesn’t like is an unanswered question. So this will be a week of waiting until I get some answers. Since patience is not my strong suit, I will be leaning in to God a little more this week.
Enjoy a few photos from our weekend.
Day 42—Tsunami and Hope
By Brenda Pue—February 11, 2014 8:43 p.m.
We received a card today with a drawing of a great wave on the front, and inside the card it talked about this experience being a personal tsunami. I closed my eyes for a moment to fully absorb the impact of that word picture. That is an apt descriptor of how this journey has felt for us. And like a tsunami, with little warning and little time to prepare, the results are unpredictable as far as how each day after unfolds.
And in all this uncertainty God shows up in hundreds of ways to bring hope. Every card, every meal, every flower, every Scripture, every gift, every act of kindness, every song, every message, every prayer brings hope to our overwhelmed souls.
As we were leaving Barnabas yesterday, my dear friend Kathy, who heaped blessing upon blessing on our family throughout the entire weekend, handed me a Christmas children’s book and said, “This is to read to your grandchildren next Christmas.” I haven’t read the book yet, because every time I look at it the tears come. Not tears of sadness, but tears of hope.
Day 43—Eclectic Day
By Brenda Pue—February 12, 2014 9:05 p.m.
My day began with a friend recording a short video greeting for Arrow Leadership alumni, before my first medical appointment of the day.
Sharon (Kristin’s mom) and my mom accompanied me to a radiation follow-up appointment to track what I have been experiencing this past week since my brain radiation treatments. I reported that, generally, I have fewer and less intense headaches and that I am off all medications. Gale, my radiation therapy nurse, asked lots of specific questions and at the end of our time said, “You are doing really well.” And, with the exception of a couple of rough days, I do feel so much better than I have felt in a couple of months, in terms of head pain.
My second appointment of the day was more medical imaging, and I will share results, hopefully next week.
Now for the fun part. I took Sharon and my mom to the cosmology department at the cancer agency. It is full of wigs, hats, toques and scarves. Because I am losing my hair at an alarming rate the past few days, and since Carson is liking my new short hair look, I asked if I could buy a short-haired wig. Brianna, who was overseeing this department today, said, “You can have any one wig and two hats you like.” I was so astonished at such generosity that there was a notable loss of oxygen in the room for a few moments when I inhaled. :) So Sharon and Mom helped me choose a short wig and a scarf today.
The wig, while fun, is a visible reminder of the storm that rages around me. Despite the storm, I feel peace, joy and contentment in my heart and soul…remarkable gifts from my Heavenly Father…that are indescribable but so real to me.
Day 44—Living a Different Story
By Brenda Pue—February 13, 2014 9:31 p.m.
I read an article today by J. I. Packer drawn from his latest book Weakness Is the Way. I share it with you because it is a very real part of my journey over the past month. Packer was born in 1926 and writes from personal experience of one who has navigated 88 years of life in this world. He says, “The Christian way of life and service is a walk of weakness, as human strength gives out and only divine strength can sustain and enable.”3
I simply cannot function the way I always have. I have loved being strong and, yes, even powerful. But I am not that right now. I am learning to find contentment in Christ being my strength. He is so much better at this than I ever was. As Packer says, “We all crave to be admired for strength in something.”4 This was my story.
Now I’m living a different story. I am learning to lean in to 2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (NIV). By leaning in, I mean that I am not panicking about pain, weariness, hair loss, etc. Even though what I am experiencing is strange and uncomfortable, I am putting my hand in His and trusting God to lead the way. It’s actually a relief to not have to manage all this. So, no panic…just lots of grace and peace.
And while I’m on the topic of grace, I was delighted to learn that I didn’t have to have the MRI after all! A mistake was made in scheduling—they forgot to cancel the original appointment after it was moved forward a month. I was on the phone with my doctor (real time), who suggested, “Perhaps the person who made the scheduling could use your MRI slot.” LOL :).
So instead I enjoyed lunch with my friend, my mom and my third daughter, Kirstie. That’s way better than having an MRI of my brain.
Day 45—A Word About My Man Today
By Brenda Pue—February 14, 2014 3:39 p.m.
The first words Carson spoke to me this morning were “We’ve celebrated 38 Valentine’s Days together.” He loves any opportunity to celebrate the two of
