Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.
algernon
[Laughing.] Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?
cecily
Thank you. [Presenting her cheek to be kissed.] You may. [Algernon kisses her.]
·108· gwendolen
I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff.
cecily
[Breaking away from Algernon.] Algernon Moncrieff! Oh! [The two girls move towards each other and put their arms round each other’s waists as if for protection.]
cecily
Are you called Algernon?
algernon
I cannot deny it.
cecily
Oh!
gwendolen
Is your name really John?
jack
[Standing rather proudly.] I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It has been John for years.
·109· cecily
[To Gwendolen.] A gross deception has been practised on both of us.
gwendolen
My poor wounded Cecily!
cecily
My sweet wronged Gwendolen!
gwendolen
[Slowly and seriously.] You will call me sister, will you not? [They embrace. Jack and Algernon groan and walk up and down.]
cecily
[Rather brightly.] There is just one question I would like to be allowed to ask my guardian.
gwendolen
An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I would like to be permitted to put to you. Where is your brother Ernest? We are both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of some importance to us to know where your brother Ernest is at present.
jack
[Slowly and hesitatingly.] Gwendolen—Cecily·110·—it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind. However I will tell you quite frankly that I have no brother Ernest. I have no brother at all. I never had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever having one in the future.
cecily
[Surprised.] No brother at all?
jack
[Cheerily.] None!
gwendolen
[Severely.] Had you never a brother of any kind?
jack
[Pleasantly.] Never. Not even of any kind.
gwendolen
I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is engaged to be married to anyone.
cecily
It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find herself in. Is it?
·111· gwendolen
Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to come after us there.
cecily
No, men are so cowardly, aren’t they?
[They retire into the house with scornful looks.]
jack
This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose?
algernon
Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life.
jack
Well, you’ve no right whatsoever to Bunbury here.
algernon
That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that.
jack
Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens!
·112· algernon
Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven’t got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial nature.
jack
Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. You won’t be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy. And a very good thing too.
algernon
Your brother is a little off colour, isn’t he, dear Jack? You won’t be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing either.
jack
As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward.
algernon
I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced ·113· young lady like Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.
jack
I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her.
algernon
Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her.
jack
There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.
