is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world. And I don’t care twopence about social possibilities.
lady bracknell
Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only people who can’t get into it do that. [To Cecily.] Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon. But I do not approve of mercenary marriages. ·134· When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way. Well, I suppose I must give my consent.
algernon
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
lady bracknell
Cecily, you may kiss me!
cecily
[Kisses her.] Thank you, Lady Bracknell.
lady bracknell
You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future.
cecily
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
lady bracknell
The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon.
algernon
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
·135· cecily
Thank you, Aunt Augusta.
lady bracknell
To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.
jack
I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the question. I am Miss Cardew’s guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age. That consent I absolutely decline to give.
lady bracknell
Upon what grounds may I ask? Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, but he looks everything. What more can one desire?
jack
It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character. I suspect him of being untruthful. [Algernon and Cecily look at him in indignant amazement.]
·136· lady bracknell
Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impossible! He is an Oxonian.
jack
I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This afternoon, during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother. Under an assumed name he drank, I’ve just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, ’89; a wine I was specially reserving for myself. Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin. And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don’t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.
lady bracknell
Ahem! Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I have decided entirely to overlook my nephew’s conduct to you.
jack
That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. ·137· My own decision, however, is unalterable. I decline to give my consent.
lady bracknell
[To Cecily.] Come here, sweet child. [Cecily goes over.] How old are you, dear?
cecily
Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty when I go to evening parties.
lady bracknell
You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration. Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating…. [In a meditative manner.] Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties. Well, it will not be very long before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage. So I don’t think your guardian’s consent is, after all, a matter of any importance.
jack
Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her grandfather’s will Miss Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five.
·138· lady bracknell
That does not seem to me to be a grave objection. Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now. I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still more attractive at the age you mention than she is at present. There will be a large accumulation of property.
cecily
Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five?
algernon
Of course I could, Cecily. You know I could.
cecily
Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn’t wait all that time. I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody. It always makes me rather cross. I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the question.
algernon
Then what is to be done, Cecily?
·139· cecily
I don’t know, Mr. Moncrieff.
lady bracknell
My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five—a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature—I would beg of you to reconsider your decision.
jack
But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands. The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward.
lady bracknell
[Rising and drawing herself up.] You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question.
