Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to.
lady bracknell
That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose for himself. [Pulls out her watch.] Come, dear; [Gwendolen rises] we have already missed five, if not six, trains. To ·140· miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform.
[Enter Dr. Chasuble.]
chasuble
Everything is quite ready for the christenings.
lady bracknell
The christenings, sir! Is not that somewhat premature?
chasuble
[Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to Jack and Algernon.] Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism.
lady bracknell
At their age? The idea is grotesque and irreligious! Algernon, I forbid you to be baptised. I will not hear of such excesses. Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your time and money.
chasuble
Am I to understand then that there are to be no christenings at all this afternoon?
jack
I don’t think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble.
·141· chasuble
I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing. They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons. However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church at once. Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry.
lady bracknell
[Starting.] Miss Prism! Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism?
chasuble
Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way to join her.
lady bracknell
Pray allow me to detain you for a moment. This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself. Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with education?
chasuble
[Somewhat indignantly.] She is the most cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of respectability.
·142· lady bracknell
It is obviously the same person. May I ask what position she holds in your household?
chasuble
[Severely.] I am a celibate, madam.
jack
[Interposing.] Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew’s esteemed governess and valued companion.
lady bracknell
In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once. Let her be sent for.
chasuble
[Looking off.] She approaches; she is nigh.
[Enter Miss Prism hurriedly.]
miss prism
I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon. I have been waiting for you there for an hour and three quarters. [Catches sight of Lady Bracknell who has fixed her with a stony glare. Miss Prism grows pale and quails. She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape.]
·143· lady bracknell
[In a severe, judicial voice.] Prism! [Miss Prism bows her head in shame.] Come here, Prism! [Miss Prism approaches in a humble manner.] Prism! Where is that baby? [General consternation. The Canon starts back in horror. Algernon and Jack pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily and Gwendolen from hearing the details of a terrible public scandal.] Twenty eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell’s house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a baby, of the male sex. You never returned. A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a three-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality. [Miss Prism starts in involuntary indignation.] But the baby was not there! [Everyone looks at Miss Prism.] Prism! Where is that baby? [A pause.]
miss prism
Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know. I only wish I did. The plain facts of the case are these. On the morning of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator. I had also with me a somewhat old, but capacious hand-bag in which I had intended to place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours. ·144· In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript in the bassinette, and placed the baby in the hand-bag.
jack
[Who has been listening attentively.] But where did you deposit the hand-bag?
miss prism
Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing.
jack
Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me. I insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bag that contained that infant.
miss prism
I left it in the cloak room of one of the larger railway stations in London.
jack
What railway station?
miss prism
[Quite crushed.] Victoria. The Brighton line. [Sinks into a chair.]
jack
I must retire to my room for a moment. Gwendolen, wait here for me.
·145· gwendolen
If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.
[Exit Jack in great excitement.]
chasuble
What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell?
lady bracknell
I dare not even
