us preserve a dignified silence.
cecily
Certainly. It’s the only thing to do now.
[Enter Jack followed by Algernon. They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.]
gwendolen
This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.
cecily
A most distasteful one.
gwendolen
But we will not be the first to speak.
cecily
Certainly not.
gwendolen
Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply.
·123· cecily
Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian’s brother?
algernon
In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.
cecily
[To Gwendolen.] That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?
gwendolen
Yes, dear, if you can believe him.
cecily
I don’t. But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.
gwendolen
True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible?
jack
Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?
·124· gwendolen
I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. [Moving to Cecily.] Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing’s. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.
cecily
I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.
gwendolen
Then you think we should forgive them?
cecily
Yes. I mean no.
gwendolen
True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant one.
cecily
Could we not both speak at the same time?
gwendolen
An excellent idea! I nearly always speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the time from me?
·125· cecily
Certainly. [Gwendolen beats time with uplifted finger.]
gwendolen and cecily
[Speaking together.] Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That is all!
jack and algernon
[Speaking together.] Our Christian names! Is that all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon.
gwendolen
[To Jack.] For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing?
jack
I am.
cecily
[To Algernon.] To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?
algernon
I am!
gwendolen
How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! ·126· Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.
jack
We are. [Clasps hands with Algernon.]
cecily
They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing.
gwendolen
[To Jack.] Darling!
algernon
[To Cecily.] Darling! [They fall into each other’s arms.]
[Enter Merriman. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.]
merriman
Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell!
jack
Good heavens!
[Enter Lady Bracknell. The couples separate in alarm. Exit Merriman.]
lady bracknell
Gwendolen! What does this mean?
·127· gwendolen
Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma.
lady bracknell
Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old. [Turns to Jack.] Apprised, sir, of my daughter’s sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought. I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question. I would consider it wrong. But of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment. On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm.
jack
I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen, Lady Bracknell!
