but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. So I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the fun of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
WOW!!!! WOW!!!!
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!
I’m sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the floor.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to test yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
* My triceps, and right thigh were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
PS: I gave it to my wife and she can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
AIR FORCE
1.
During the war an allied bombing raid had just finished over one of the important targets.. The city had been leveled.
The Red Cross was going from place to place to help survivors. In one area they found a huge house completely demolished but there in the ruins was an old man sitting in a bathtub. They rushed over to help.
As they crowded around to get him out of the tub, he just sat there with a dazed look on his face. “I don’t understand it,” he muttered. “All I did was pull out the plug.”
2.
An air force pilot had trouble with his F-16. Finally, he had to bail out.
As he was dropping, waiting for his chute to open, he looked down and saw an old woman coming up.
He didn’t know what to say but, as they sped past one another, he hollered, “Hey, lady, did you see an F-16 going down?”
She hollered back, “No sonny, but did you see a gas stove going up?”
3.
A captain in the air force went into a Japanese café to eat and was visiting with the owner.
“My name is Wilson, what’s your name?”
“My name Chow Mein.”
“Well, Chow Mein, did you serve in the military?”
“Yes, Chow Mein pilot in air force.”
“What kind of plane did you fly.”
“Chow Mein fly fighter plane. me Kamakazi pilot”
“Kamakazi pilot? That’s strange. I thought Kamakazi pilots crashed their planes into warships on suicide missions.
“Yes, that’s right.”
“How come you’re still alive, Chow Mein?”
“Because me Chicken Chow Mein.”
AIRPLANES
1.
The captain of the airline announced as they were flying across country, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to announce that one of our engines has just gone out and we are going to be coming into the airport two hours late. But don’t worry, we still have three engines left.”
About thirty minutes later he announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, I must tell you that we have lost a second engine and this is going to delay our schedule further. We will be an extra three hours landing.”
About an hour later he announced, “Ladies and gentlemen. I have another announcement. We have lost our third engine and that is going to delay us another four hours.”
One of the lady passengers turned to another and said, “Isn’t that just like these airlines. I would guess that if we lose another engine we probably won’t get there until tomorrow.”
2.
The airplane was flying over the ocean. On the loudspeaker came the voice of the captain. “Ladies and gentlemen this is a recording. The plane has been set on automatic pilot because of trouble in the cockpit.
“The co-pilot and I have ejected and if you will look out your window you will see us in that little rubber raft down below.
“This is part of the emergency system and the airplane will run perfectly well without us. Everything else is in fine working order.
“So just don’t worry, everything will be all right,—— be all right,—- be all right.”
3.
Two men were crossing the United States by airline. They left New York and landed in Chicago. While they were waiting a red fuel truck came out to gas up the plane.
The plane took off, flew to Denver and landed there. Out came a red fuel truck and gassed up the plane.
They took off and flew to Reno, landed and a red fuel truck gassed up the plane.
They took off and were headed for Los Angeles when one man said to the other, “It’s amazing to me how fast these airplanes can get across the country.”
The other answered, “Yeah, but what’s more amazing is how that red fuel truck can make such good time.”
ANIMALS
1.
The hunter saw the lion cub and the cub saw the hunter about the same time. The cub decided
