she shouted, “Junior, stop that! How often have I told you to stop playing with your food?”
2.
The lion wandered through the jungle. When he saw a tiger, he roared and beat his chest saying, “I’m the king of the jungle.” The tiger ducked his tail and ran.
The lion saw a gorilla and roared and beat his chest and said, “I’m the king of the jungle.” The gorilla ran for the nearest tree and climbed it.
The lion saw an elephant and roared and beat his chest and said, “I’m the king of the jungle.” The elephant reached out with his trunk, grabbed the lion, spun him around his head and threw him against the trunk of a tree.
The lion laid there groggy. Finally, he staggered to his feet, looked over at the elephant and said, “Some people just don’t know how to take a joke.”
3.
A grocery store had a pet parrot sitting by the check out stand. Customers usually enjoyed it but sometimes it would talk sassy and even use bad words. One day the manager said, “I’ve told you for the last time to stop talking bad to our customers. If you do it again I’m going to stick you in that freezer over there till you learn better.”
The parrot just looked at him and smiled. He talked all right for a few days but then one day he said something ugly to a customer. The manager came over, grabbed him, took him to the freezer, threw him in and slammed the top shut.
About thirty minutes later he went back to the freezer, opened the lid and took out the parrot. It had frost all over its feathers and was so stiff it couldn’t move.
“Have you learned your lesson?” asked the manager.
“I did! I did!” said the parrot, “but I just want to ask you one question.”
“What is it?”
“I know what I said that put me in that freezer, but what did all of those featherless chickens say that put them in there?”
4.
The lion wandered through the jungle and saw a leopard.
Roaring loudly, he said, “Why aren’t you big and strong like I am?” The leopard was scared to death and ran away.
He saw a tiger and roaring he said, “Why aren’t you big and strong like I am?” The tiger was scared and ran.
He saw a little mouse and roaring he said, “Why aren’t you big and strong like I am.”
The little mouse covered his mouth, coughed and answered, “Well, I’ve been sick.”
5.
The pet shop had a parrot that could talk. One day a man came in the front door and, as he passed by, the parrot said, “Hey you!” The man turned around and asked, “Yeah, what do you want?”
The parrot said, “You’re the ugliest man I ever saw. In fact, I think you are the ugliest man in the whole world.” The man was mad. He went over to the manager and told him, “That parrot over by the door insulted me. I don’t know if I want to buy anything here or not.”
The manager answered, “I’m sorry, but just leave it to me. I’ll take care of him.” He went over to the bird and said, “You can’t talk like that to our customers. If you talk bad again I’ll stick you in that freezer!”
The customer went ahead and shopped. As he left he passed the parrot again. The parrot spoke up, ”Hey you!” The man turned around. “Yeah, what do you want?”
The parrot looked back at the manager and then at the customer and said, “Youuuuuu know!”
6.
The Knights in the Middle ages had grown some St. Bernard dogs that were so large they could ride on them. In fact, they always used them to ride on if they had an emergency.
One night it rained real hard while the dogs were outside. An emergency came up and one of the Knights ran to the head Knight and said, “There’s an emergency. We better send one of the Knights out on a dog.”
“The head Knight answered, “But the dogs are all wet and smelly.”
“It doesn’t make any difference. We have to send someone out.”
“No way,” said the Head Knight, “I would never send a Knight out on a dog like this.”
7.
A man in the big city used to walk his dog every day. It was a big, mean looking bull dog and whenever someone else was walking their dog they would cross to the other side of the street rather than meet this man and his dog. A few had not done that and the big dog had attacked and beat up their dogs badly. The dog’s reputation had grown so everybody knew to avoid him.
One day a new man moved to town and went out walking his little pink dog. Down the street came the other man with his big bull dog. The new man just kept going rather than crossing the street and when they met, the bull dog started a big fight.
But the little pink dog turned around, grabbed the big dog, chewed him up big time and left him lying in a heap.
The bull dog’s owner couldn’t believe what he saw. He said, “I’ve never seen anything like that in my life. That’s absolutely amazing! He’s just a little thing, but he’s the strongest dog I ever saw! What do you call him?”
“Well, now we call him Cream Puff,” answered the man, “but before we cut off his tail and painted him pink, we called him Alligator.”
8.
A man was on the way to the store one day when his car hit a rabbit. He pulled over to the curb and went back to see how bad it was hurt.
It was over by the curb trembling and holding its paw up in the air. He felt sorry for it and looked in his car for something to put on the little rabbit’s foot. All he could find was a can of scalp ointment but he went ahead and sprayed it on. Then he put the rabbit over on the grass by the curb and went on to the store.
When he had finished shopping he went back the way he had come to see if the rabbit was still there. He saw it still in the same spot and it seemed to be all right.
In fact, it was just sitting there waving at all the cars going by. The man was amazed.
He decided the scalp spray must have been really good. So he looked to see what kind it was.
On the can were words that read, “Good for damaged hair, and leaves a permanent wave.”
9.
THE GREATEST ELEPHANT STORY EVER TOLD
(How to Draw Logical Conclusions)
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He
