OLDEST DAUGHTER, Bria, is a natural-born speaker and actor. From the time that she was a toddler, people would encourage me to get her involved in commercials. She had the charm, personality, smile, and the talent. By the time she was in middle school, I was pushing her to take speech classes and join the debate team. I wanted her to compete and win trophies as I did in school to celebrate her God-given talents, so I was ecstatic when she signed up for speech competitions. When it came time for her to compete in the district-wide competition, I immediately went into my archives to find some of the prose, poetry, and dramatic interpretative pieces that I performed in my glory days. Although she didn’t select anything from my archives, I encouraged her to do her best. She practiced and practiced while I coached and annoyed her.
As the competition day approached, I started to notice that Bria’s confidence in her ability was beginning to diminish. The big day finally arrived, and her nerves began to take over. Although I was unable to be there because of a work obligation, she called throughout the day with updates. I knew that she was in trouble when she began to tell me how good everyone else was compared to her and she hadn’t even performed yet. I kept trying to encourage her in every way that I could, but her confidence was shot and insecurity had settled in. When she gave her performance, it was filled with fear and self-doubt. She knew that she blew it. By the time she called me, through her sobs and shaking voice, she informed me that she didn’t place in the top three. Her exact words were, “I am not good enough, and I will never do this again.” How many times have you said that to yourself?
Hello, Insecurity
Everyone in life encounters one roadblock repeatedly: insecurity. For the past twenty years, I have flown around the country—working with companies, organizations, conferences, churches, schools, and individuals—listening to thousands of personal stories and answering many questions about life. The common thread that seems to underlie the majority of problems people face is a lack of self-esteem, which is to say feeling insecure about your worth and abilities. That is why I’m devoting an entire chapter to look at this major roadblock on your journey to an amazing life.
What Insecurity Looks Like
An insecure person lacks confidence in their own value and in their capabilities. They don’t trust in themselves and they constantly fear that a present positive state is temporary, and will cause them loss or distress by “going wrong” in the future. Insecurity can creep into every part of your life:
Relationships—He is too good for someone like me.
Finances—I’m always going to be broke.
Jobs—I don’t deserve that raise.
Physical appearance—I hate my body.
Intellect—I’m not smart enough to do that.
Material items—If I drove a better car maybe people would think I’m somebody.
Spirituality—I feel like God is forsaking me.
When you look at the list, you can see how the fiber of self-doubt is housed in every corner of our lives. This roadblock is huge and stops many people from moving ahead. What can be done about this “silent killer” that sabotages relationships, jobs, self-esteem, and other pieces of your life? To answer that question, it is important to understand where it originates.
Where Insecurity Comes From
You were not born full of self-doubt and insecurity. It’s a feeling that comes about as you develop. You learned how to feel and what to think about yourself based on your environment and the nurturing you received (or didn’t receive) from your parents/caretakers from birth to adolescence. During various stages of your development, there is constant reinforcement—be it positive or negative—on your looks, behavior, and abilities. By the time you reach pubescence, you have developed an opinion of who you are, only to have it influenced by peers, whose opinions become a significant part of your psyche.
We all remember the middle and high school years, that awkward stage of trying to understand who you are and find an identity. Your parents could have done a terrific job of making you feel like a wonderful person, but if your peers belittled or shunned you, your self-esteem took a hit. Through development stages, these reinforcements began to shape what you thought about who you were. Some people never recover from those awkward days and carry those feelings of low self-esteem into adulthood.
I think it’s important to pause here and look at the three components that make up one’s overall evaluation of self: self-esteem, self-efficacy, and self-image.
Self-esteem (SE) is a person’s overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. It encompasses beliefs and emotions, the positive or negative evaluation of the self.
Self-efficacy (SEF) is the measure of one’s own competence to complete tasks and reach goals.
Self-image (SI) is the idea, conception, or mental image one has of oneself. It’s what you think about yourself, including your strengths and weaknesses.
All three of these characterizations are meaningful and vital to your progress and a low rating in one is a form of insecurity. It is possible to be high in one area and low in another. Let’s examine their interactions. Through these stories, you can see how the views of yourself interact and work with or against you.
HIGH SE AND SI—LOW SEF
Jerry has been working with BH Company for a while and has proved his value and worth. He knows that he is “the man” when it comes to looking the part, as he always makes sure that he is sharp and buttoned up. His manager offered him another position in the company that would require brand-new skills that he wasn’t as familiar with. Although he was willing to learn, he questioned whether he was up for the job.
HIGH SE AND SEF—LOW SI
Betty was rated the most valuable team player at the travel agency where she worked. Whatever needed to be done, she was the woman for the job. She knew that she did excellent work and could run circles around everyone else when it came to customer service. Although she knew that everyone appreciated her, she constantly fretted about her weight. She knew people judged her as fat and lazy because she was overweight.
HIGH SEF AND SI—LOW SE
Isabelle was a classy woman who held her head high. She was well educated and very competent with her knowledge and skills in working with clients at her financial planning firm. Yet, the management team always questioned her projects and decisions. When a coveted promotion becomes available, her friend encouraged her to apply, but Isabelle felt she wouldn’t be good at it, because there were so many people more qualified and talented than she.
How Low Self-Esteem Affects Your Life
Self-esteem, the category of security in ourselves that we are most familiar with, is linked to our mind, body, and spirit (MBS). Having low self-esteem negatively influences your life in a number of ways:
Depression: In many cases of depression, low self-esteem is an underlying factor. While it is certainly not the only cause, it is a great contributor. Not feeling good about who you are makes you feel that others around you don’t value or appreciate you. Some of the emotions that are associated with low esteem include melancholy, pessimism, anxiety, fear, feeling troubled, and being
