only lasted a year and she then went into retail management. Even her love of clothes didn’t keep her there longer than two years. She then decided to try her skills as an actress, as she had always done well in speech and drama classes. When that didn’t pan out, she became a loan officer. Although she did not really like that job, she had grown weary of jobhopping and the instability that brought. She just couldn’t seem to figure out what she wanted or who she really was. Melanie was thirty-five and she still didn’t have a clue.
You want to avoid falling into such a rut—or if you’re already in one, you need to know how to get out. By not taking time to take a step back and figure out what she wanted from life, Melanie meandered through, always feeling discontented. Once she took the time to realize what would make her happy, she was able to take the steps she needed to achieve happiness. Through a series of tests and evaluations that she took at a career center online, Melanie discovered that she really liked to manage things and help people. She was hired on with a midsized company and has excelled in her position. At last, she found career satisfaction.
Here is a simple exercise that will help you recognize your current likes and dislikes, as well as help you discover if you’re doing the things you say you like to do.
1 Make a list of twenty things that you like. This may include things that you like to do such as walking in the park, traveling, or reading a book. It may also include things that you like about life.
2 Now write down twenty things that you don’t like. This could include things like spiders and spinach as well as activities like being in traffic or watching scary movies.
3 Take a look at the list of things that you like. How many of the things do you actually do or experience on a regular basis? If you’re not experiencing the things that you say you like in life, why not? Who is stopping you from enjoying your life?
4 Now take a look at the list of things you don’t like. Are they things that you can avoid? If there are things that you can’t avoid, such as traffic, it’s important to create ways to make that activity more enjoyable. For instance, listen to an informational CD, or your favorite radio station to help to alleviate the stress and dislike of the situation.
When you look at your list of likes/dislikes, is there a pattern in the list? Does the majority of your list consist of people, foods, places, or objects? It’s helpful to see what your thoughts center on, because this in turn helps you identify what’s important to you. If your likes were about people, then you are focused on people. If they were mainly about food, you’re focused on foods, and so on.
Let’s now delve deeper and explore your personal definition of success.
What Do You Want from Life?
If you were to consider your life successful, what would that look like? Success means something different to each of us. For you, it might be something like this: I want more money, I want a bigger house, I want a better job, I want a better husband, I want a better wife, I want a better car, I want a new boyfriend, I want a new girlfriend … you get the picture. But how do you define “better”? Instead of being vague, narrow in on exactly what you want. The specificity of your language dictates what you get. For example, instead of saying, “I’d like a bigger house,” put a size to it, such as “I would like a 3,500-square-foot house with a swimming pool.” Likewise, saying you want a better job is not definite enough; include the type of salary, benefits, travel, etc., that you would like. This sort of precision is what will bring about what you desire.
If I asked you to make a list of successful people, who would be on your list? My list would consist of Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Warren Buffett, Barbara Walters, Beyoncé, and Bishop T.D. Jakes, among others. It’s easy to classify these individuals as successful from what we’ve seen them accomplish—rising to the top of their respective fields, amassing wealth and fame along the way, and winning countless awards. On any “success list,” many of the names that we recognize would be people who are “rich and famous.” What about winners of the Nobel Peace Prize, which is hailed as one of the highest awards and accomplishments? Would they make your list? Think about it. As you think about that, read this next story to observe the differences of what success means to different people.
Harry and Larry were twin brothers. It was difficult for anyone to tell them apart; even their parents had trouble when they were born, and so their mother never dressed them alike. As they matured, like many twins, they took advantage of switching places and confusing people. But as much as they were alike, their fundamental definitions of success were completely different. Harry believed that his Harvard degree, seven-thousand-square-foot home with an indoor pool in a gated community, and Mercedes S-550 marked the epitome of success. Larry, on the other hand, felt that he was just as successful with his community college degree, 1,800-square-foot duplex, and five-year-old Buick. Is Harry more successful than Larry because of his material possessions? No. Larry was just as successful as Harry was because his definition of success included graduating from college with a degree, living in a small cozy house, and having no car payments or student loans bills. He accomplished his goals and reached the level he set of success.
There are certain things that some people may consider successful: finishing college, owning a home, starting a business, landing a star role in a movie/play, etc. However, what’s important is what your version of success looks like. What does success look like for you? It is imperative that you clearly, and with as much detail as possible, define your vision of personal success. Is it having a five-bedroom home with a pool, driving a luxury vehicle, and working as an executive? Or, does your vision include owning a minivan and a three-bedroom home with a front yard? As you contemplate that question, avoid thinking about what others have accomplished or achieved. Make sure that your definition of success is about you. If you look around at other people and their so-called successes, inevitably you will begin to feel like an underachiever. There will always be someone who has more money and more ideas, and who has accomplished more goals than you. So just focus on you and the things you want.
Think about how you would define success. In your Amazing Life notebook, write your definition of success. It may help if you first complete these sentences.
I will be successful when I have …
I will be successful when I am …
I will be successful because I am not …
I will be successful because I finished …
Now that you know what success means to you, remember to measure yourself by this standard of success, not someone else’s definition of success. I started my career as an educator teaching third and fourth grade. I worked in an urban school district in Oklahoma City. I had been teaching for only two years when I was tested in this philosophy. I was an innovative and vivacious teacher, and constantly worked hard to improve my skills. After attending teacher training classes given by Marva Collins, a national educator, I implemented the strategies learned at her school and had my students learning college vocabulary and Shakespeare in the fourth grade. Word got out in the district and one of the principals brought his teachers to my class to observe my classroom techniques. That afternoon, my principal called me into her office. I thought that she would be proud to have a secondyear teacher who was a rising star. Instead of supporting me, she said, “Mrs. Gladney, you are good, but you are not the best, so don’t get a big head.” I paused for only a second and then replied, “I am the best, because I don’t measure myself by anyone’s standards but my own.” You see, I already had defined what success meant to me. My students loved school, they loved learning, and they were above grade level, and I loved teaching.
