office is located and have the address memorized. You are set. You start out on the journey to your destination and the trip is going smoothly. The traffic and other drivers are cooperating with you this morning. You are feeling good and very excited about your interview; you even smile and nod at the people in the car beside you.
You are getting close to your destination, but you can’t seem to find the specific street. It was Walnut, wasn’t it? You could have sworn that it was just off Brook Road. As time eases closer to 10:30 a.m., you become a little concerned. Did you pass the street and just weren’t paying attention? As you make a U-turn and go back a few blocks to retrace your route, you begin to get nervous as it starts to seem like the street you are looking for doesn’t exist. The clock is moving toward 10:40 a.m. and your body hits the panic button. You stop at the nearest 7-Eleven and hope that the cashier knows where you are. Unfortunately, he just moved to the city and doesn’t have a clue. You get back in the car and sit there with a racing heart. You were sure you knew where you were going, but you are not where you are supposed to be. You are lost and you only have fifteen minutes to get to the interview. You can hardly breathe as you realize that you are not going to make it. This is your big day, yet somehow you managed to get lost and blow it. You planned for everything, except for completely and utterly losing your way. After all, no one plans to be lost.
Lost in “Life Events”
Webster’s Dictionary defines “lost” as having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc. It’s a feeling and emotion that every living and breathing human being—even highly trained doctors like yours truly—has felt at some time or another.
The day I found myself lost, the sun was shining and the temperature was a near perfect 75 degrees. I remember the weather so clearly because it ended up being so starkly opposite to what the day held. It was also memorable because it was Mother’s Day, and I woke up feeling so blessed to be a mom to my four wonderful kids. I was, truth be told, looking forward to being showered with affection and gratitude by my husband and children in recognition for the hard work I do as a mom. Hey, I can be queen for one day out of the year, right? My husband and I had recently been having some serious strains in our twenty-year marriage, but I was hopeful we could put our issues aside for the day.
As a family, we attended church that morning and then later celebrated with a dinner at Grand Lux, one of my favorite restaurants. Despite my earlier optimism, there was palpable tension at dinner. Shortly after we arrived back at the house, my husband went into the bedroom, took out his suitcase, and began to pack his clothes and a few of our belongings. You have to be kidding me! We had talked about a separation to clear our heads, but I was blindsided and hurt that he chose this of all days to leave. By nightfall, he was gone. Happy Mother’s Day to me!
The next morning as the sun peered through the window and I awakened to consciousness, it took a minute to realize that I was in a big empty bed all alone. I looked around the room and saw the closet door open with empty wire hangers swaying ever so slightly from the air of the ceiling fan. A suffocating sense of anxiety came over me. After more than two decades of being married, I was suddenly alone; I was “lost” and needed help to find my way. As I lay there, thoughts and questions swirled in my head: Where do I go from here? What am I going to do now? How am I going to handle all the bills by myself? Who’s going to fix the toilet when it leaks? Who’s going to kill the creepy things? Who’s going to protect me?
While these seemingly unanswerable questions bombarded me, another little voice reminded me, Hey, I am the Emotional Wellness doctor, and I help others find their way. I usually have the answers to everyone else’s problems. Surely, I can handle my own. Well, that all sounds good in theory. Although I was a strong, independent, smart, and tenacious woman, I was still lost. Even the most sophisticated map was not going to work at a time like this—how could I plow ahead when I had no idea where I was going? I needed to get to the nearest rest stop and park so that I could regroup and reroute my direction (once I figured out my destination). Over the next few months, as my husband and I finalized our divorce, I was forced to redefine who I was; reevaluate my priorities; undo and redo my life’s goals; reevaluate the past; reorganize the present; and replan for the future. Because I never imagined myself in this place, I found myself grieving the loss of dreams, dealing with a gamut of emotions, and learning how to trust myself all over again. It was a watershed moment in my life, and it made me all the more empathetic to my clients and others who have felt like they were on the right path only to be blindsided and sent dramatically off-course. Clients like Jenny, Cassandra, and Tonya. (All names of people in the scenarios have been changed to protect privacy.)
Forty-five-year-old Jenny called me for help after a traumatizing career setback. She had been working at her job for more than six years. She was very resourceful and dedicated, and went over and beyond everyone’s expectations, but it seemed as if her manager just didn’t value her potential, constantly overlooking her for promotions and raises. Although she was very good at her job, she was not happy and felt that she had more to give and that another company would value her skills more. She began to circulate her résumé, and after several months of searching, a company offered her what was basically her dream job. Finally, her potential was recognized! She turned in her letter of resignation with hidden excitement. Then, exactly one month to the day she started her new job, she was let go. Jenny was angry, humiliated, embarrassed, and confused, and she went into hiding. She was lost.
Cassandra was numb since the fateful Saturday she got the call that her husband was in the hospital. He’d had a heart attack. She rushed through traffic to get to the emergency room, unaware of stoplights and stop signs. Time seemed to stand still and speed by simultaneously. Unfortunately all the speeding didn’t get her there in time to say goodbye. He had passed away before she arrived. How could this happen, she wondered. He had been in great health. He ran every day and had regular doctor visits. One minute he was on the phone laughing, and the next minute he was fighting for his life, and then was gone, just like that. Cassandra’s world crumbled in an instant.
Tonya was crying so hard it was difficult for me to understand what she was saying. Through her muffled words and deep groans, I heard the words “breast cancer.” She was under forty, hadn’t had her first mammogram, and there was no family history of breast cancer. There was no reason this should happen to her. She only did self-exams because her doctor said that she should. Then she felt the lump. When she got checked out and heard the words “breast cancer,” her world started spinning. How could this be? What am I going to do? Will I be a survivor? Tonya withdrew and became lost in being lost.
From a sudden loss to a health scare, all these individuals felt the overall feeling of, It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Perhaps you can identify with such a feeling. I’d be surprised if you couldn’t because at one point or another we’ve all faced similar difficult or uncomfortable circumstances. These situations can leave us with feelings of anger, confusion, immobilization, and, in some cases, situational depression, which unlike clinical depression, is usually temporary, but often just as debilitating.
Here are some life situations that can make us feel lost:
Loss of a job; unemployment
Loss of a loved one from sudden death or long-term illness
Loss/of relationships with friends, family, or lovers
Loss of income, investments, or property
Moving to another city, state, or country
Marriage
Divorce
Parenting
Family challenges
Sickness
