out, cool, trendy, acceptable, or the latest and greatest. If you find yourself “outside the norm,” it can impact your self-esteem. Only by finding and embracing your true authenticity (which we discuss in Chapter 2) will you be able to make the decisions that will keep you on course.
Lost in Addiction
Some people find themselves lost in self-destructive behaviors or lifestyles. The desire to alleviate misery and pain, coupled with the inability to effectively manage emotions and stress, can drive an individual to become dependent on an illicit substance or compulsive activity. This can develop into a vicious cycle because feeling lost can drive a person into these behaviors, and being trapped in the throes of addiction exacerbates the feeling of being lost, and so on. A person can become addicted, dependent, or compulsively obsessed with virtually anything. Some of the most common things that people find themselves “lost” in, are:
Alcohol
Drugs
Gambling
Sex
Pornography
Work
Shopping
Food
Rhonda couldn’t believe what she saw when she looked at the picture. Surely, that woman in the photo was not her. The woman staring back at her was fifty pounds heavier than Rhonda used to be. She looked like her Aunt Lucy and not the young vibrant woman she used to be. Seeing this version of herself prompted her to reach out to me for help. She knew that she was overweight, but until she saw that picture she didn’t realize it had gotten so out of control. She was stuck in a pattern. She ate when she felt good, she ate when she felt bad, she ate when she was afraid, and she ate when she wasn’t afraid. She explained that food was her solace and her friend, but moreover, it had become a crutch for her. She desperately wanted to change her eating habits.
And then there was Brennon, who thought that he could handle his alcohol. He had a glass of wine in the morning, again at noon, and a stronger drink at night. Although his family became concerned, he assured everyone that he was fine and continued on his path. Eventually though, the two glasses of wine during the day became four and the one nightcap become a few. He was stuck.
When it comes to breaking addictive behaviors, there is a process. Because some addictions are physical addictions and others are psychological addictions, they will require different routes to overcome. By the time a behavior can be classified as an addiction, it requires outside help and counseling from a professional. So to get out of it, you must seek professional help. I can’t adequately give you steps in this book that will help you to stop the behaviors yourself. You need to walk through it with a professional.
Lost in Relationships
Being lost in relationships encompasses many dynamics. You can be lost from the lack of a relationship with a parent, child, or sibling, or you can be lost in a dysfunctional relationship that you can’t seem to get out of. Whether you’re lost from the lack of a connection or dysfunction, it can be harmful.
As humans, we are from birth biologically hardwired to seek connections with other people. Our most fundamental relationship is with our parents, who establish our feelings of safety, security, and identity. If that bond is never established or is broken, children can experience despair, anger, self-doubt, confusion, suspicion, and a range of other troubled emotions, with lasting ramifications.
Growing up, Bob never knew who his father was. He constantly wondered about this mystery man. Did he look like him? Did they like the same sports or music? While he was curious about the man, he was also incredibly hurt and angry that his father apparently didn’t care about him since he left his mother before he was born and never came back. All of his life, he felt incomplete and displaced with his identity. At the age of thirty-five, Bob found out who his dad was. But, did he really want to meet him? Could he forgive him? He decided not to connect with him. Meeting him could disrupt his life and while he felt displaced, he didn’t want to take that risk.
While you may not have had an absent parent, you may be lost in a strained relationship with a parent, sibling, child, friend, or lover. When relationships become distant and strained, it has an enormous impact on your well-being. Whether you shut down and tell yourself, “I don’t care anymore” or continue to attempt to reconcile without success, the strained relationship injures your soul and causes disappointment, remorse, and defeat.
When I heard Tracy’s story, I knew immediately that she was lost in her relationship. She had been married for several years, divorced, and was living with her ex-husband again. She had left her husband and sent him to prison for hurting their daughter. However, when he was released after serving his sentence, she accepted him back into her life, caging herself into the prison of the relationship. She could see that she was lost and that the relationship was not good for her, she just didn’t know how to free herself.
Breaking from a dependency like that won’t happen overnight. When a person is lost in another person, it is like an appendage of your body and soul, and it’s difficult and painful to cut ties. Chapter 9 is devoted to ways to deal with toxic people and relationships—it’s that important.
Lost in Finances
We may like to think otherwise, but in many ways money is the defining factor in life. It shapes your:
Options
Lifestyle
Friendships
Social class
Tax bracket
Housing
Education
Freedom
Relationships
As you see, it is the foundation to most of life. While those who have money proclaim that it doesn’t buy happiness, those who don’t have it would like to test that theory. Because money is the driving force, the lack thereof has the power to significantly influence your thoughts, confidence, relationships, and identity. Financial strain can make you feel less than, angry, unworthy, embarrassed, and helpless. Conversely, wealth can make you feel unsatisfied, guilty, empty, and distrustful. Whatever the case, money is a big influencer in terms of the direction of your journey in life.
Some people have bought into the theory that they don’t have control over how much money they make and believe that only certain people are designated to be rich. That is unfortunate, because as with the other things in your life, you are always in the driver’s seat. Again, because this topic is critical to your life, health, and well-being, Chapter 12 addresses it in much more detail.
Don’t Get Stuck
Sometimes we don’t realize or don’t acknowledge that we’re lost, and so we stay lost, and what’s worse, we get “stuck” there. There are several types of people who are stuck and can’t seem to reroute.
Stubborn Sam is always lost and stays that way because he doesn’t acknowledge that he is lost and refuses to ask for help
