parents/caregiving
Experiencing failure
Experiencing success
Financial challenges
Workload
Dissatisfaction
The question then is not how you can avoid becoming lost. The question is, once you are lost, how quickly can you find your way back? To find the answer, you must first determine whether your situation was the result of an uncontrollable or controllable event.
Uncontrollable Events
Many events in life, like those presented in the earlier examples, are ones that individuals cannot control. These types of experiences I call “uncontrollable events.” They could be also placed under the “ebbs and flow of life” category. When it comes to marriages and divorces, for example, there are choices and you have a say to some degree, but because there are two people involved, you cannot control the entire situation. You can only manage your responses, reactions, and thoughts.
ROAD TO RECOVERY AFTER LIFE-CHANGING EVENTS
It’s normal to feel lost when major life-changing events occur. Remember that it’s possible to bounce back, but getting “unlost” will be a process. There are key factors to focus on that will help you find your way, make the transition, and deal with the issues with less stress.
1 Allow yourself the time to feel the emotions. You will be flooded with a plethora of feelings, and you need to walk them. It’s okay to be angry or cry. These are both such natural feelings that people often try to suppress. If you are angry and need to scream, go someplace where you’ll have privacy. When you need to cry, don’t hold back the tears. You may think that tears are a sign of weakness, but they are not. They are actually very cleansing for the soul and body.
2 Avoid using your energy to try to make sense of things that don’t make sense. In Cassandra’s situation, for example, you can’t make sense of a healthy person dying of a heart attack, or for Jenny, that she was let go from her job a few weeks after being hired. Fixating on the “why” of senseless occurrences will keep you in a stagnated mental state that will in turn keep you from moving to the healing space.
3 Focus on the people and/or things in your life that are good. Even in the best of times, it’s good to appreciate your blessings, but it is especially imperative during difficult times that you direct your attention into a spirit of gratitude. No matter how bad the situation was, it always could have been worse.
4 Don’t run and hide. Your natural instinct may be to go into a shell and avoid all the people that love you. You may be thinking, It’s my personal pain and I want to work through it alone. Or, maybe you feel like you’d be bothering others. Tonya, for example, didn’t want to tell her friends and family about her breast cancer because she didn’t want them to worry about her. However, in times like these, you’ll want to engage in the opposite thinking. The more you isolate yourself, the more prone you can become to experiencing long-term depression. Without the support, love, and encouragement of others, it will be more difficult to find your way back.
5 Focus on and enjoy the present. Challenging life situations have a way of giving us a different perspective on our journeys and almost force us to prioritize what’s important. Make sure you enjoy and appreciate the people and things that are in your life today!
6 Create a new normal. When things in life change, you have to change with it. My divorce forced me to create a new way to do holidays, dinners, celebrations, parenting, etc. While it may be uncomfortable in the beginning, much of it is the feeling of growing pains. You are transitioning to a new phase of your life.
7 Seek counseling. Always be open-minded to the idea of counseling. We all need it at some time or another. A good counselor can help you to pick up pieces and give you a different perspective on things. I highly recommend it. Finding a good counselor is not as difficult as it may be perceived. First, ask for recommendations from your health care provider or friends who have had counseling. If you don’t get any personal recommendations, go online to www.findapsychologist.com or search on Google for a counselor who specializes in your specific areas. There are thousands of mental health professionals that are available to help you find your way.
Controllable Events
While we have little (or no) control in some situations, other times we do have control. In the next group of scenarios I focus on four common, controllable categories that people find themselves lost in: yourself; addiction; relationships; or finances. It is these controllable events where we are lost because of our choices, decisions, and/or reactions to events.
Losing Yourself
Have you ever questioned who you really are or have become? This generally happens when you come to a point in your life when you feel like you have lost yourself in your work, family, culture, or social circle. The struggle with identity begins when you reach adolescence. While some are able to have a grasp on who they are becoming, it can change as you enter different phases of life. For example, when you go to college, you experience new things and people that impact your everchanging individuality. As you grow into a career, start a family, or start a business, each phase has an effect on your identity. Feeling lost may mean that you don’t know who you are any more or that you realize your identity is caught up in something or someone else.
Lisa couldn’t remember the last time that she watched any channel other than Disney, Nickelodeon, or PBS. She knew every actor, character, and plot from most of the episodes on these three kid-focused channels. She longed for the days when she could sit and watch something that she truly enjoyed. She also realized that no one knew her actual name. Everywhere she went she was known as Ashley and Devin’s mother. She thought back to all the parental advice she was given when she was pregnant. No one told her that she would lose her identity, not be known by her first name, and not have any room in her life for her interests and passions.
Although losing yourself in someone or something can happen subconsciously, a conscious choice happens when you realize that you don’t know who you are and you choose to take steps toward finding out who you are or you continue to be lost.
This is exactly where Carolyn found herself. Her husband was a very successful attorney and she dutifully attended the social functions that her husband’s job sponsored. She would get dressed up in cocktail attire and schmooze the evening away as Mrs. Campbell. As she made small talk with her husband’s associates, all she heard about was the success that her husband brought to the company. She endured story after story about “Mr. Wonderful” until her jaw hurt from the smiles. Carolyn silently wondered if anyone cared about her as an individual and the fact that she worked her dream job from her home office. As she listened to Chatty Cathy to her left, talking on and on about her trip to Paris, Carolyn grew increasingly frustrated that no one seemed interested in her or her interests. When another attendee walked up and she was introduced yet again as “Ted’s wife, Mrs. Campbell,” she stuck out her hand and said, “Hello, I’m Carolyn.” After all, she was more than just Ted’s wife … wasn’t she?
Does any of this ring a bell for you? Many people are lost because their self-perception doesn’t match their actions and behaviors anymore, or that outwardly they don’t feel like they are the person they are inside. It can be hard to remember what makes you unique or what your own individual ideas or opinions are when there is so much pressure to conform to those around you and to fit into a certain mold as “the perfect mother/ father” or the “ideal husband/wife.” Some people
