you have to do is stretch your flaccid flogger and measure it from the penopubic region to the tip. Believe it or not, every major study shows a high correlation between erectile and flaccid-stretched length.
To measure girth, use your partner’s mouth and … wait. No, that’s later. Place the edge of the tape measure on your erectness right under the glans (you know, the edge of the “helmet”). When all is said and done, the majority of us will fall somewhere near 5.1 inches in length and 4.8 inches in girth.
Skip the weepy letters about how awful it is to have an average-sized dick. Studies show that men with larger than average penises do not report greater sexual satisfaction than men with average-sized dicks.
I know you didn’t hear me so I’m going to say it again: Having a bigger dick doesn’t mean you’ll have a more satisfying sex life.
Hey, Woody!
I like it when guys play with my balls but one overly ambitious squeeze and it hurts like a mother. My dick may be sensitive but I’m never afraid of guys hurting it. I am afraid, though, of having my balls hurt. Why does sensitivity in my dick mean pleasure but in my balls it means pain?
—Scrotum-scratcher
Dear Scrotum-scratcher:
Why are our balls so sensitive? Survival of the species. Mother Nature made our testicles sensitive so we’d stand guard over her precious jewels. The more we guard, the more likely we’re able to impregnate women. Some of us, anyway.
Of course, what nobody tells you is that Mother Nature is a post-op transsexual. What else could explain the fact that she made testicles the genetic equivalent of female ovaries? The same sack of cells that become testicles in men become ovaries in women. The testes actually rest inside the pelvis during fetal development and descend before birth.
Testicles are home to seminiferous tubules where sperm is produced. “Seminiferous” means to contain or convey semen. It’s just another way of saying “My Boyfriend’s Mouth,” really.
The testes (another word for testicles) also rent out space to interstitial cells which produce a majority of your testosterone, which as you know, is the reason you’re such a pig.
Testes is Latin for “to testify.” Instead of placing their right hand on the Bible, the early Romans put their hand on their testicles when they testified in a court of law. We’re just a couple of centuries late from hearing the judge say “Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help your balls?”
Hey, Woody!
I’m in my mid-twenties, I’m good-looking and I know it. I work out five days a week and you could slice tomatoes on my stomach—my abs are that ripped. For the past two months I’ve been dating a great guy. He is all that and a bag of chips. He has just about anything you would want in a man. So what could possibly be wrong? Me, gym bunny, can’t come when I’m having sex with this guy. I mean sometimes I can, but mostly I can’t, even when he’s fucking me. I’ve always had this problem but it gets worse when I really like a guy. And this guy I really like. Do you have any suggestions or helpful hints? I’ve tried different kinds of positions but nothing really helps. Oh, and one more thing. Is there any physical damage to having sex regularly but NOT coming?
—Full of muscles and too much cum
Dear Full:
Mid-twenties and ripped abs, you say? Too bad I don’t make house calls; I’d milk you like a cow.
First, the easy question. No, chronic avoidance of ejaculation will not harm you. Your spooge will come out anyway through nocturnal emissions. It will, however, make you temporarily less likely to fertilize an egg. But, just between us boys, unless we’re talking about omelets who cares about eggs?
You’re suffering from “retarded ejaculation.” Well, that’s what the doctors call it when they’re awake and sober, which frankly, is happening less and less since the advent of managed care.
They also call it “ejaculatory incompetence.” It’s an inhibition of the ejaculatory reflex in the presence of a partner. About one to four percent of men suffer from it, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
If you have any sexual dysfunction always check out the possibility there may be a medical condition causing it. You said you could come when you’re jerking off alone, so congratulations, there’s nothing medically wrong with you. You’re just nuts.
Or maybe you’re just on drugs. The kind that “retard” ejaculation. Anti-depressants are famous for keeping the baby from burping. So are other drugs like guanethidine, which lowers blood pressure.
If there’s no medical or drug explanation, experts say the leading causes of retarded ejaculation are: 1) Strict religious backgrounds (can you spell “G-U-I-L-T?”); 2) Deeply-grooved masturbation patterns (you can only come if you’re doing the one thing you’ve been doing for years); and 3) Traumatic events (being discovered while masturbating, finding out your lover is cheating, or worse, finding out he’s NOT cheating).
If the problem is situational, a little mental re-framing can help. You can’t “will” yourself into an ejaculation any more than you can will yourself to sleep or to sweat. So don’t “try.” The harder you try the more inhibited you’ll become. The only way to master an involuntary reflex is to stop caring so much about it. If it’s not that big a deal whether you ejaculate, you’ll have more ejaculations.
Very Zen, isn’t it?
And twisted, too. The only way you can get what you really want is by not wanting it? How fucked is that? But it’s true. It’s one of the key components in treating involuntary dysfunctions.
Your problem isn’t situational though, it’s chronic. And for that you need to get on the couch and figure out what issue you’re dealing with. Therapy’s success rate is very high, around 70–80 percent in 12–18 sessions if you go to a sex therapist. Don’t go to a regular therapist.
And for God’s sakes, don’t go to the psychologist my editor goes to. Actually, he goes to a psycholofist, the kind that put their hands up your ass in search of an insight. Which explains a lot about my editor, come to think of it.
Hey, Woody!
I just saw some porn videos by this French company called Bel Ami—you know, the ones with that hot guy “Lucas.” Can I just say three words? Oh. My. God. But I digress. The videos were filled with gorgeous but uncircumcised men. I’ve been with a lot of men, but never with an uncut one, so it was kind of shocking for me to see it. Still, I was really turned on by it. Now I’m dying to go home with an uncut guy, but I can’t find anybody! Why is that? Also, if there’s more skin on the penis does that mean there’s more feeling in it?
—Feelin’ gypped cuz I got clipped
Dear Gyp:
How do you get uncut guys? The same way you get uncut cocaine—you leave the country. About 85 percent of the world’s male population is uncircumcised. Experts think only about 20 percent of American men are uncut (am I the only one wondering who takes the count, and where do you sign up to assist?).
Basically,
