yourself with a cloth tape. Compare your pole to the polls: The average length of a penis is 3.5 inches when it’s flaccid and 5.1 inches when it’s hard. No, that wasn’t a typo. The average length of a man’s erect penis is 5.1. inches.
However, the average length of a man’s imagination is eight inches, and that’s the problem. A while ago Men’s Fitness did a poll of over 5,000 men aged 29-32, asking them to guess the average size of a man’s erect penis. Fifteen percent said seven inches, four percent said eight inches and two percent said nine inches.
It just goes to show you how clueless men are about size. And just about any other aspect of sex. Especially straight men. Men’s Fitness reported how a sex expert went to a bar and asked men to pinpoint a woman’s clitoris on a diagram. The ninth guy got it right. Good thing the expert didn’t ask gay guys to pinpoint a man’s heart. He’d still be at the bar.
Anyway, make sure you’re measuring correctly. I hate to dash your hopes on the rocks of reality, but forget about measuring from your balls to the tip of your cock. That’s how tacos get confused with burritos. The only acceptable standard in sex research is to measure it from the base of the penis facing your stomach when you’re lying down. Odd, how the word “lying” seems so appropriate in discussions about size, eh?
Hey, Woody!
I have seen many a schlong in my life—big ones, small ones, fat ones, skinny ones, hooded ones, bald ones—you name, it I’ve seen it. Curiously, they all had one thing in common: They were darker than the bodies they dangled from. Why doesn’t the color of dicks match their owner’s bodies?
—Wondering when I’m not slobbering
Dear Wondering:
Hey, what about the scrotum? It has a darker coloration too. But no, you didn’t mention that, Mr. Penis-centric. As a journalist once asked a bunch of Nixon-obsessed historians, “Dick, Dick, Dick. Is that all you guys think about?”
Anyway, back to the question. The answer depends on Dick’s condition (yours, not Nixon’s. He’s dead, you know). Is he saluting or lying in the hammock? If he’s hard, his skin will look darker because anything engorged with blood is going to darken. Well, except vegetarians. They look pasty whether they’re engorged or not.
Actually, dicks are generally darker than the bodies they hang from, whether they’re hard or soft. At birth they start out the same color. But at puberty, Nature introduces Willie to a special friend—your hand.
As Mr. Nice To Meet You, Too, You Can Let Go Now will tell anybody who’ll listen, someone needs to teach you the difference between a handshake and a chokehold. But I digress.
Genitals will darken with or without your insolent hands. It’s part of the sexual maturation process. But being manhandled hastens the process. If we grabbed our faces the way we grab our dicks, the skin on our cheeks would look like a tar pit, too.
Hey, Woody!
Help me shoot farther, man! I want to explode like a rocket when I cum but I end up dripping like a leaky faucet instead. When I’m cumming I feel like my whole body is going to explode—like I’m going to shoot all over the room, so why does it just dribble out? I get jealous whenever I watch porn and see these guys painting walls from across the room. Is there any way to increase my “shooting” range?
—Dribbler
Dear Dribbler:
There’s little you can do to increase the arc of your spark. Genetics plays the biggest factor. Only a lucky few are born with the ability to spray semen like a depressed teenager with an Uzi at a suburban high school.
There actually are two things you can do to increase the spread of your spray, but they’re a hassle and take a lot of discipline. First, stop whacking off so much. The more ejaculate you “save,” the more distance you’ll earn. It’s like a pressure valve—the more the pressure, the harder you’ll blow. But hell, who wants to reduce the frequency of coming just so you can shot-put the white stuff a few inches farther?
Orgasms happen via a spinal cord reflex that causes strong rhythmic contractions in the urogenital system. Your ejaculation isn’t ruled by your hand, your partner’s mouth, or your wild imagination. It’s ruled by the urethra, the prostate, and the muscles at the base of the penis as they involuntarily contract.
You can’t do anything to strengthen the urethra or the prostate other than having frequent orgasms (they’re not kidding when they say “use it or lose it”). Wouldn’t it be great if you could work out the urethra and the prostate at the gym? Imagine the lines at the machines. Or asking somebody for a spot.
The muscles at the base of the penis (pubococcygeous muscles, otherwise known as the PC muscles) can be strengthened through Kegel exercises. How do you figure out where the muscles are? Well, you know when you’re peeing on your partner and he changes his mind and orders you to stop and you shut yourself off mid-stream? Those are the muscles.
Just contract and relax them in a series of sets. Hold them tight for 10 seconds and let them go. Vary them by doing “butterflies” (contracting and relaxing as fast as you can). Work up to hundreds of these a day. After a few months, you should notice stronger, more powerful orgasms and ejaculations. Yes, you read right, I said after a few MONTHS.
If it’s any consolation, most of the porn personnel (sorry, I can’t bring myself to call them “stars”) can’t shoot very far either. To get the money shot they want, directors will often use synthetic semen which is shot-squeezed from a small tube. The preferred substance is condensed milk.
I want to see Jeff Stryker, milk-mustached, hawking dairy products in magazines with a headline asking “Shot Milk?” Talk about new uses for an old product.
Hey, Woody!
A straight friend started poking his girlfriend right after a vasectomy. I told him he should wait cuz he could still get her pregnant. He said “Shut-up, you’re gay, what do you know?”
I said let’s bet and if I’m wrong, you blow me. Please tell me I’m right.
—Waiting to collect
Dear Waiting:
Drop your drawers and buy him some kneepads. A vasectomy cuts or blocks the vas deferens, the tube that carries sperm away from the testicles (and adds it to the liquid components of semen). But sperm already in the pipeline can still cause pregnancy. The ideal is to wait for 30 days or about ten ejaculations to flush out remaining sperm.
Even then, I wouldn’t recommend poking his girlfriend without first going back to the doctor with a sample of ejaculatory fluid for a sperm count test. Until he knows for sure he’s shooting blanks, he needs to use birth control.
About 500,000 vasectomies are performed annually. It’s an outpatient procedure that takes 15 to 20 minutes. About the time it’ll take him to give you a long, slobbery blow job.
Hey, Woody!
How do you check yourself for testicular cancer?
