percent of Americans who are uncut are probably of Latino descent or from other cultures that don’t have a strong tradition of cutting the man out of their boys.
As a culture, we believe that circumcised penises are more hygienic, even though there is no real supporting data. Some reports show circumcision lowers risks for infant urinary tract infections, penile cancer, and possibly-maybe-but-nobody’s-sure, sexually transmitted diseases. But come on, infant urinary tract infections aren’t very common and penile cancer is extremely rare.
We’ve turned circumcision into a fashion statement and disguised it as a medical need so we can feel good about it.
In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics was so unimpressed with the clipping crowd that in 1975 it recommended that circumcision no longer be performed as a routine procedure because it wasn’t medically necessary.
Most experts agree that the uncircumcised penis is more sexually sensitive. It makes sense if you think about it—the heads of most American dicks are constantly rubbing up against underwear (or, for some of you out in the bars, denim), while our compatriots around the world get to wear protective sausage sacks. Well, no wonder Latinos are so passionate! They’re feeling so much more than we are. Too bad we can’t paste our foreskins back on. I’d do it faster than you could say “prepuce.”
Hey, Woody!
Several years ago a boyfriend squeezed the head of my cock just as I was about to ejaculate. He was trying to stop a premature ejaculation but I came anyway and it hurt like a motherfucker. Later on I developed what I think is Peyronie’s disease—a bent erection. Plus, the head of my cock doesn’t engorge as much as it used to. Medication given to me by a urologist helped very little. He said surgery is my best bet. Is it?
—Bent over
Dear Bent:
Peyronie’s Disease (curvature of the penis) can develop from drama to the penis. Wait, that’s not right. If that were true, my dick would look like a pretzel. I meant “trauma.”
As in rough sex trauma, or in your case, shit-for-brains boyfriend trauma. Here’s what most likely happened to you: When Mr. Stand Back I Know What I’m Doing squeezed your cock, the pressure from the ejaculation caused microscopic tears in the vascular pathway. As it healed, scar tissue formed and allowed plaque to build up, essentially calcifying the direction of your joystick.
Scar tissue pulls on one side of the tissue while expanding the other, creating the unseemly bend that marks Peyronie’s disease. If it’s a slight case, vitamin E taken orally might help. Forget the creams, they’re like AOL chat room profiles—all hat and no cattle. Approximately 20 percent of the cases resolve spontaneously. If yours doesn’t, surgery is the only effective way of straightening you out.
Surgery on your dick may sound scary, but think of it as an orgy: You’re laying there with your thighs wide open and everybody around you wants a piece of you.
Hey, Woody!
Sometimes I go weeks without so much as beating off. When I finally break my “fast” I get an awful cramp-like feeling when I cum. It sort of feels like it’s coming from the bottom of my ass. It goes away after a few minutes but I’m concerned.
—Getting off but getting worried
Dear Worried:
It’s probably just a muscle cramp. The bulbocoxygeous muscles control ejaculation and are closely related to the genital and lower rectum muscles.
Which reminds me, are all scientists drunk when they name body parts?
Anyway, during ejaculation, these muscles pulse and contract like your eyes do at a college wrestling meet—you know, involuntarily. This helps propel semen out through the urethra.
The bulbocoxygeous muscles are likely to cramp up when their hibernation is suddenly and forcefully terminated. When you don’t cum for a long time, your load would strain the fittest UPS delivery man, so what do you think it’s doing to your “bulbo” muscles? Your question calls for the answer I love to give: “Have more sex.”
Hey, Woody!
The good news is that I got us into the soccer play-offs by blocking the opposing team’s penalty kick. The bad news is I blocked it with my crotch. I’m still limping from it. My question: Why did my stomach hurt so much if it was my balls that took the hit?
—Ballsy
Dear Ballsy:
The reason your stomach hurt so much is that the testes are connected to the abdomen by nerves and blood vessels. Testes form in the abdominal cavity and then they descend into the scrotum sack before birth.
Warning—tangent coming up: “Undescended” testicles are fairly common in premature babies and occur in about 4 percent of all full-term babies. If they can’t “find” your testes (funny, my boyfriend never has that problem), an abdominal ultrasound may help figure out where the suckers went.
Okay—back from the tangent. Getting a soccer ball kicked into your groin is no laughing matter. I’m wincing even as I type. The recommendation: Ice packs for the first 24 hours, followed by sitz baths, and then by prayer. A blow like that could result in “testicular torsion,” a serious emergency where the testicle becomes twisted in the scrotum and loses its blood supply. You’ve got about two hours from the time it happens for a doc to relieve the twisting or you can literally kiss your testicle goodbye.
Hey, Woody!
When I woke up from penis enlargement surgery, my penis was way swollen and covered in a kind of maroonish purple color. Injecting fat into my dick was part of the procedure and there were stitches all over the place. My stomach was bandaged and so were my thighs where the fat had been suctioned out (I didn’t have enough fat in my stomach so they took it from my legs).
Seven months later I’m still bruised from the liposuction and my dick hurts like hell. My new enlarged penis has a marble-like lump close to the head with two smaller bumps around the base. I’m headed for surgery again, to undo the mutilation. I don’t have a question for you, what I have is a warning for all your readers and I can sum it up in one word: DON’T.
—Did and regretted it
Dear Did:
Oh, come on, you big crybaby. The 98 percent of you guys who suffer the anatomical abominations of penis enlargement surgery ruin it for the 2 percent who walk away satisfied.
I refuse to discourage people from experiencing crooked, lumpy, and deformed shafts, erections that point downward, raw nerves caught in scar tissue, and fluid that chronically collects around the testicles.
So what if every major medical association in this country considers penis augmentation to be experimental surgery? So what if the surgery is so controversial and yields such poor results that it’s considered unacceptable by both plastic surgeons and urologists (unless you fall into the 2 percent of people identified as having a “micro-phallus”)?
I say go for it. Don’t
