your balls should be a monthly routine. First, take a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum and have it descend to its lowest level. Then roll each testicle between your fingers and press gently. It should be smooth and oval-shaped, like a hard-boiled egg.
You’re looking for lumps or hard areas that don’t seem to belong in the neighborhood. Interestingly, tumors are more likely to be found in the right testicle than the left. I swear, whether it’s tumors or arrogance, the right always has more than the left.
Warning: Tangent approaching. If your boyfriend tries to cut your balls off for cheating and he only slices one of them on account of you’re fast and easy and that’s what got you into trouble in the first place, the good news is that one testicle is plenty to produce enough testosterone to get it up and cheat again. It doesn’t take much for the nectar of the gods to do its job. Of course, your tricks might gross out. In that case, you can have a synthetic testicle inserted, much like the way artificial breasts are inserted into half the women in Hollywood.
Testicular cancer is the most common form of cancer for guys up to age 35. It’s highly curable if, IF, you detect it early. If you’re lump-free, celebrate and jerk yourself off. Hell, you’re already down there, why waste the trip?
Hey, Woody!
When my partner was fucking me really hard his dick slipped out right before he was going to ram me. He ended up jamming it into my perineum instead. He screamed in pain and we haven’t fucked since. He’s blaming it on me, saying he’s afraid I might “break his penis.” How do I get back what I gotta have?
—Dick breaker
Dear Dick:
A penis can’t “break” in the normal sense of the word because there is no bone in it. Well, at least the ones I’ve tried to break haven’t.
What can break is one of the three tubes that hold the blood of an erection. But if this happened your partner would have acted like he read this column—he would have heard a popping sound and then he would’ve doubled over in pain. And when he looked up his dick would be severely bruised.
Your problem sounds more like a trust issue than a medical one. Talk to him about it and be everything I’m not: kind, patient, and sensitive. Have gentle oral and manual sex and work your way up to the slash-and-burn fucking.
Hey, Woody!
I can just look at a hot guy and—oh, dear—there go the buttons on my jeans. It’s, totally involuntarily, like magic. But I know there’s a science to it, too. What exactly happens “down there” when I get the Man-hots?
—Just curious
Dear Just:
Well, you’re right, it’s not magic. Your manhood doesn’t throb because elves spray trixie-dust on it. It throbs because the blood in your body decided it was time to play “pack the sausage.”
The penis has a head and body (glans and shaft). And for once in male life, the head has more say than the body. That’s because the head, or glans, has a higher concentration of nerve endings than the shaft.
The entire penis has a lot of nerve endings that make it sensitive to touch, pressure, and temperature. The glans has a coronal ridge separating it from the shaft (the outer edge of the “helmet”).
On the underside of the penis (the side your trick sees when he kneels in front of you) there’s a small triangular region where a thin strip of skin called the frenulum attaches to the glans. Both the coronal ridge and the frenulum are highly sensitive. Slurp there and he’s yours for the night.
The shaft of the penis is made up of three cylinders of soft, spongy tissue, which contain a lot of small blood vessels. What you think of as Man-Meat Magic is actually the blood vessels of the spongy tissues filling with blood and swelling up. That’s the science. The art is finding a port that will dock your swollen ship and let you unload the precious cargo.
The transition from a soft (flaccid) penis to a harder, stiffer penis is called getting an erection. In my house it’s simply known as “Dinner.”
Hey, Woody!
Latex is a pillar-killer. I generally have no problem catching and holding a lumber-yard worth of wood, but when I put on a condom, the loss of sensation and something psychological about it, brings me down to about 3 out of 5 stars on the bone-meter.
This is usually not a big deal since most guys, once I’ve gotten them nice and relaxed, can easily accommodate me. Once I get going, we’re right back on terra-firma regardless of the rubber.
But recently I’ve been seeing this gorgeous guy who’s just … well … really tight, no matter how relaxed he is. This would be a blessing if we could get going with the horizontal hula, but my rubber-covered “semi” just ain’t stiff enough to part the curtains, and losing the latex ain’t an option.
We’ve tried lots of things to relax him more, and keep me hard, and nothing works. Of course, the mental part gets a little worse with each failed attempt. Any suggestions? I don’t think I can do “cock rings” … I think they look silly and the idea seems kind of unhealthy.
—Too soft to boff
Dear Softie:
First, you need to know that a lot of men experience what you’re going through. You ain’t the first witch to yell “Help me, I’m melting.”
Don’t run from cock rings till you try them. There’s absolutely nothing unhealthy about it. They come in three of my favorite flavors—rubber, leather and metal. Cock rings fasten around the base of the penis and testicles to keep the pillar from peeling. It works by trapping the blood in the penis. Go for the adjustable straps, that way you can adjust to your size. The metal rings can be hard to pull off, so don’t get them unless you want to stand in the middle of the emergency room trying to explain why you can’t get rid of your hard-on.
There is also a multi-ringed toy called the Gates of Hell, but something tells me you’re not ready for it.
If you’re dead set against the ring, I have three suggestions:
1. Relax, nobody performs well under self-induced pressure. It’s okay not to fuck every time you’re with him. Do everything but that, the next few times you see him.
2. Introduce him to a boy toy, like Peter the Penetrator. A dildo, or artificial penis, is usually made of stiff flesh-colored latex and runs about 6 to 9 inches in total length. Pant, pant. They also make them smaller, for beginners. I can’t think of a better way of loosening him up.
3. Viagra. But I have to qualify this because there’s a danger you’ll end up using Viagra as a crotch-crutch. I think you should use it a two or three times as a way to reverse the mental spiral you’re in about not getting it up. Once you’ve gained your confidence (and he a wider stretch), stop taking the Viagra and swim without the water wings. But talk to the doc first. About 10 percent of men taking Viagra report side effects like headaches, dizziness, facial flushing, indigestion, and visual disturbance. You know, like when you
