have an averaged-sized dick. You wouldn’t be alone. Most of the guys requesting the surgery are average-sized.
There is a cheaper, alternative form of penis enlargement, though. The procedure is simple: You put your penis on my desk, I whack it with a hammer, and it swells for about six months. It gives you the same results as the surgery at a fraction of the cost.
Dude, you needed help between the ears, not between your legs. Good luck. You’re going to need it.
Hey, Woody!
Maybe it’s my imagination but it seems guys with bigger dicks have a tougher time achieving full erections than guys with smaller dicks.
—Am I right or wrong?
Dear Wrong:
See my greeting for the answer. Most urologists don’t report a connection between big dicks and a rougher time getting a full erection.
However, researchers believe it may be easier to treat erectile dysfunction in men with shorter dicks. Because so many treatments rely on partially increasing blood flow to the penis, they believe treatment for erectile dysfunction is more effective in men with smaller dicks (because they require less blood to fill them up).
My ex-boyfriend would have made a great treatment for erectile dysfunction. Small dicks, big dicks, it wouldn’t matter. He understood the concept of blood flowing to the penis like no one else. Too bad he doesn’t come in pill form.
Hey, Woody!
I’ve gone on a date with this guy three times. We mash and do everything but cum, because he won’t let me (or himself). Something about “Let’s wait.” It’s like dating a girl. But my question is this: My testicles are sore after our sessions. Why?
—All balled up
Dear Ball:
You, my friend, are experiencing blue-balls, or technically-speaking, “prostatic congestion.” It’s caused by a build-up of semen in the prostate and seminal vesicles, the two glands that produce most of the semen your date refuses to unleash. Sperm can literally build up, creating pressure and pain around the testicles.
Here’s what happens: You’re on the couch mashing with a hottie but, for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to give you what you deserve. Your sperm get trapped in the highway traffic jam because Mr. You Won’t Respect Me In The Morning refuses to grant you an exit lane. When blood stays in the genitals for a long enough time, it can cause achiness (blue-balls).
You’ve got three options when it happens: Take an aspirin, a warm shower, or do the job yourself. Orgasm really does relieve “blue-balls.”
Hey, Woody!
Sometimes I get a hard-on so hard it hurts and the problem is that it won’t go away for hours. Should I be worried?
—Hurtin’ when it’s hard
Dear Hurtin':
Sounds to my experts like you may have a condition called priapism. It’s a prolonged and painful erection that can last from several hours up to a few days. The blood flows into the penis, but it won’t drain normally.
When the blood in the penis becomes stagnant it can acidify and lose oxygen—like your friends on the dance floor at 6 a.m. Without oxygen, the red blood cells become stiff—again like your friends—and even less able to squeeze their way out of the penis. Wait, that sounds more like MY friends.
Priapism can be caused by penile injections used to treat some forms of impotence. Some anti-depressants can cause it too. Another cause of priapism are certain medical conditions like anemia or leukemia. You MUST go see a doctor. Priapism can scar the penis if not treated early enough, and can lead to impotence.
Oh, and you’ll love how they’ll drain your dick—by sticking it with a big fat needle. If that’s what you’re up against, remember the words my father uttered when I was ten years old. He poured me a shot of whiskey and said “It’s never too late to start drinking.”
Hey, Woody!
I spent a lot of time in Europe and I got really turned on by uncircumcised penises. It’s the norm over there. I love the sharp odor. I call it “dickincense.”
In America, dicks smell just like any other body part. I’m going out with a European living in the U.S. and thank God I get a faceful of dickincense and myrrh when I unzip his fly. My question is, when does the distinctive odor turn offensive? Sometimes I go from being turned on to turned off because it smells a little different.
—Taking the time to smell the smegma
Dear Smeg:
Smegma and sweat combine like high and low pressure zones to produce the kind of wind that sets sails or droops mastheads, depending on your personal choice.
Smegma is a cheesy secretion found under the foreskin. It’s also found under the Capitol Rotunda when Congress is in session. Smegma can act as a natural lube, though I suspect most Americans aren’t ready for that visual. Smegma can be a friend, despite its off-putting name. Clinical studies show it has antibacterial and anti-viral properties.
Still, macaroni and cheese should be served on the dinner table, not in the bedroom, so pulling back the foreskin and washing away excess smegma is important. Hygienically, if excess smegma isn’t washed away, it can turn to glue, preventing the foreskin from easily moving back and forth along the head of the penis.
If his penis perfume turns bad, it could be an infection. Yes, women aren’t the only ones who can bake someone happy with a yeast infection. But you’ll know if that’s what it is—there’s redness and abnormal pus. To prevent infection, uncircumcised men need to retract their foreskin and wash with soap and water every day. Sorry, boyfriend spit doesn’t have the cleaning power to do the job.
Hey, Woody!
I’m constantly comparing my dick size to other guys and I always feel like I’m smaller than average. Intellectually, I know I’m at least average size (I’ve asked some of my partners and they’ve all said I’m actually bigger than average), but why does it FEEL like I have a small dick? I’m kind of obsessed about it. In the locker room I check other guys out and they always look bigger than I do. I’m not a size queen, I just want to feel okay about what I’ve got, but I don’t. Any words of wisdom?
—A lobster who feels like a shrimp
Dear Lobster:
Perception is everything. And perception is often colored by position. Like the position of your eyes when you look. Guys always look bigger than you do because you’re looking down at yours and straight on at theirs. When you look down at something it always looks shorter than if you look straight at it. If you’re going to go through the process of comparing yourself to other guys, at least be fair to yourself. Look at your dick from the same angle you look at others. Use a mirror.
You
