who might be a good group of friends to join. I’d met Meg on Orientation Day, and although we hadn’t really communicated much over the holidays, I was hopeful that she might seek me out, at least for the first few days. Maybe I’d get to meet a few of her friends; she seemed like a decent person, so her friends probably would be too.
I saw Meg sitting with a group of girls. Before I could even think what I was doing, I was heading in their direction. I could tell by the easy, confident look that this was a group of popular girls. But I’d made my intentions known, even suspected that Meg had caught a glimpse of me approaching. How would she react?
‘Hi!’ I said, to Meg’s shoulder. She didn’t even turn around. She just kept on talking. Maybe she hadn’t heard me. ‘Meg?’ She swung her head around briefly, smiled at me, then turned her back and laughed out loud with the girls at her table. Was she laughing at me? There was no welcome or effort to introduce me. Now that I think about it, it was probably the teachers who had asked, maybe told, Meg to show me around on Orientation Day. Like I said, she’d seemed friendly and was certainly helpful then.
Do I walk away, defeated, looking like a loser? Surely Meg would at least acknowledge me if I sat down. Noticing a gap on the wooden bench on the other side of the table that Meg was sitting on, I moved to join them. But as I placed my lunch bag on the table, one of the girls shifted herself across.
‘Sorry, there’s really not any room here,’ she said, smiling up at me. Feeling embarrassed, I grabbed my lunch bag and headed off. Maybe there’s a better spot to hang out, I thought to myself, pretending not to care. But I did care. I cared a lot. It was my first day at school. ‘You don’t forget your first day at a new school,’ Mum had said at the breakfast table this morning. She was sure right about that.
Should someone change to be accepted into a group? If someone is feeling like a loser and not part of a group they aspire to be with, they will be overly harsh on themselves. Their self-talk will be negative. They will be putting them-selves down all the time.
So it’s time to take a step back and think of the bigger picture. The first question to ask is whether you really want to be involved with this group of girls. Thinking about the personalities of each is a good first step. Do they match well with you? Do the things they do and say sit well with you? Are they doing and saying things that you would do and say? What a wonderful opportunity for someone to start questioning their own personal and moral values. And what a great opportunity too to stand up and be the person you want to be.
Often a good way of assessing all this is to put yourself in the shoes of the people who are the recipients of the group’s or bully’s words and actions. Would you like those words spoken to you? The first few weeks at school, or any new place for that matter, can be a challenge for anyone. But it makes sense to bide your time a little and quietly take stock of the people around you. Good people are there and are certainly worth the wait.
Have a think also about what your priorities are and don’t let yourself get sidetracked by those who want to go against you.
Once you’ve made a firm decision, stick to it. Perhaps chat about it with a friend or someone at home. It can be reassuring to get the support of someone you trust. Yes, I am doing the right thing here.
Sometimes things don’t go the way you want or expect. First-up encounters and experiences in new situations can indeed be quite negative. But they won’t last.
Being your own best friend is a good place to start. Positive self-talk can help. Hold your head up high, be civil and friendly to everyone around you and get on with each moment of your day with purpose and resolve.
Key points to remember
Be aware of the things you’re saying to yourself and about yourself and make sure it’s as realistic as possible; be your own best friend (refer to page 135 for more information about positive self-talk).
Learn about perspective and focus on the bigger picture.
Behave in a confident manner – hold your head up high; make eye contact with people you’re talking with; smile; stand tall and upright.
#5
John – who receives negative
comments on Facebook
Type: Cyber
On the outside I was the same old John, but inside I was crumbling.
It was a crap game and I’d played crap. And that was the end of it. Or so I thought. I logged on to Facebook that afternoon and was amazed to see a couple of really negative comments from a couple of the guys from the team. I guess it was all just a bit of fun; after all, they were my mates. This was our second season together. It wasn’t as if we’d lost the game because of my mistakes. The coach had said as much after the game. Still, it hurt to be called a loser.
So I rang up Jay.
‘Mate, it’s only a joke,’ he laughed. How did I know he was going to say that? So what do I say? ‘Well, it’s not a joke to me.’ Or, ‘Yeah, fair enough.’ Or even, ‘Well I guess I am a bit of a loser. I sure played like one.’ We didn’t talk much. I spent the afternoon watching the footy on TV, ignoring my phone and computer.
But I kept on thinking about the game. I really had made a couple of clangers. And playing in defence meant it hurt us on the scoreboard. ‘Only a joke,’ Jay had said. It sure didn’t make me laugh. And so Saturday turned into Sunday and Sunday turned into Monday and still the jibes kept coming. I did my best to laugh it off, even laugh with them. I pretended it was actually funny, that it didn’t matter, it was no big deal. But inside it was cutting me up deep. I wasn’t sleeping so good, picking and prodding at my food and getting into trouble for not handing in my homework.
On the outside I was the same old John, but inside I was crumbling. The weird thing was, they were still my friends. I kicked the footy with them at lunchtime, sat with them in class; we even talked excitedly about getting some tickets for the first round of football finals.
I had to do something.
John needs to think about his friendship with the boys and how they had been hanging out for many years. He really needs to talk to them and let them know how the comments are affecting him. Although he may feel anxious, John needs to take what will appear to be a risk and directly approach them. Yes, he can acknowledge and indeed agree with his friends that he played badly, but the game is over and they need to let it go.
He needs to tell them how he felt about their comments and that he would prefer their support. It might seem like a joke to them, but actually their comments are destructive. He didn’t need them to blame him as he was already blaming himself for his bad play.
Directly approaching the people bullying you is an effective way to address the situation, especially if you trust the people and know that they will listen to you. It is quite likely that they have no idea of the effect of their teasing, so in letting them know how you feel you are also educating them about the negative effects of bullying. Sometimes bullying is not an intended outcome. It starts off as playful teasing, but it can escalate and become destructive.
Direct confrontation is best used when you believe that the situation is within your control and you have the emotional strength to address the problem.
Key
