also feels a bit guilty that he does not help her as much as she needs. Unlike many of his male peers in the study (see chapter 6), Malcolm is consistently willing to speak about the range of his feelings for his mother. He seems comfortable with Mike’s questions and willing to reflect on the details of his relationships.
Speaking about his sister, Malcolm does not suggest a similar range of feelings. He is angry at her irresponsibility and outraged that, though younger than Malcolm, she expects to enjoy the same privileges. Because she is not doing as well in school as Malcolm, however, his sister is not allowed to stay out late, go to movies, or attend concerts, and Malcolm says this causes a lot of tension in their relationship:
Okay, does that come into play between the two of you [that his sister is not doing as well in school as he is]?
Well, not really. My mother doesn’t bring that up ’cause she doesn’t try to compare us. I just try to prove—show my mother that I’m capable of doing good. You know, being responsible and stuff. ’Cause I slept late this morning and she woke me up and it was 7:00. Supposed to be here [at school] at 7:30. I got here on time.
You were here even though you slept in late?
Yeah. Washed up, ironed my clothes, everything.
Moving swiftly from a discussion of his sister to a discussion of the extent to which he is responsible, Malcolm demonstrates the intensity of his desire to “prove” to his mother, and perhaps to Mike, that he can take care of himself. He clearly wants to continue having the privileges his mother gives him and to be respected by her. He is also, perhaps, competing with his sister for his mother’s praise and attention.
Malcolm says that although he had no interest in seeing his natural father, his father recently visited him at home:
To me he’s just a stranger, really. When he came over, I didn’t know who he was. I had like the door open, screen door locked. He knocked on the door, he was all talking about—He didn’t even say “Hi,” that’s how much communication we got. He didn’t even say, “Hi.”
Did he know you?
Yeah, he knows me ’cause he said he walked in, he was all—he was like, “Can I use the bathroom?” Like who are you? He was like, “I’m your father.”
Wow, what was it like seeing him after so many years?
Didn’t do nothing to me. It just made me mad the way he came to the door and stuff. You know, all talking about, “Can I use your bathroom?”
It must have felt kind of weird or strange in some way.
It didn’t really faze me. I just saw him as a stranger.
The “I” statements in Malcolm’s story (“I didn’t know who he was. … Didn’t do nothing to me. It just made me mad. … It didn’t really faze me”) suggest that he is denying his anger while feeling angry. He does not want to be “fazed” by the presence of his father, but his shaky tone indicates otherwise (this was the first time that he can remember meeting his father). While his sister will occasionally have contact with their father, Malcolm prefers not to have any.
As you’re getting older, do you ever think that you want to talk to your father about anything? I don’t mean about problems that you have, but about any feelings you have toward him not being around when you were growing up?
No, ’cause I feel I turned out pretty good, so you know. It probably would’ve been more better. I would’ve had an easier view. I’m not saying that I had it hard, ’cause I had plenty of time to play and all, but I’m just saying, you know, I don’t feel nothing.
In his shifts from saying he “turned out pretty good” to “it probably would’ve been more better” to “I don’t feel nothing,” Malcolm suggests, once again, that he is trying to ward off feelings of hurt and anger. “I just try to, like, grow up, take things as they come. I don’t try to be like ‘[I] depend on nobody’ or ’you’re not here, now we’re having all this trouble.’ You know, I feel we can do for ourselves.” The absence of his father, Malcolm maintains, has made him neither wary nor desirous of dependency. He seems resolute not to be affected by his father’s absence.
When Mike repeats the previous year’s questions about having any adult males who he looks up to, Malcolm says:
Not really, ’cause there wasn’t really nobody around besides my mother’s boyfriend. He was, you know, cool and all. He liked to tell us things. He used to play with me and my sister. But besides that there was nobody else because [my mother] was always trying to do for us. She’d like come home, clean, and all that stuff. And then after a while, I just like—somehow she—I just took over that role really. I started cleaning and stuff. Trying to keep things in shape, whatever. Keep my room neat so everything would be decent.
Malcolm’s repeated stories to Mike of his duties at home suggest pride but also, perhaps, a sense of feeling overwhelmed (his frequent reference to needing “to relax” also suggest a sense of burden). The roles at home have changed since last year so that now Malcolm appears to feel more like the mother and/or father figure in the household. It is not clear from his discussions whether, for Malcolm, this apparent shift in roles (“I just took over that role”) is frustrating, enjoyable, overwhelming, or, perhaps, a mixture of all these emotions. However, he has taken on the caretaker role and he wants Mike to know this.
In response to a question about whether or not he has a best or close friend this year, Malcolm says:
Just my girlfriend really. I be chilling with her, but besides that I’m getting tired of being crowded really. I like hanging out but it just gets boring when you, like, do the same things so much. So when, like, people say, you know, “Why don’t you come out anymore,” I don’t feel like just going out, sitting on the corner or nothing.
What exactly do you mean by being crowded?
Well, it could just be one person. But sometimes, that one person just get aggravating. Not what he says and stuff, it’s just that he’s being—that he’s there. ’Cause it’s just most of the time I like to be alone, you know, just me and my dark side. I like music a lot. So I just buy a lot of albums and stuff, but I don’t like people always around me and stuff.
While Mike asks Malcolm about “friends,” Malcolm responds by referring either to his girlfriend or to “people” (last year it was “associates”). Like last year, Malcolm is seemingly frustrated with his male peers and does not believe he has a close male friend.
Malcolm mentions, at a later point in his interview, that spending time with his male peers may not only be “aggravating” but also dangerous:
So like I’d rather just go [out] by myself if anything’s going to happen it’s gonna happen with me alone. Therefore, I won’t have to bring nobody else into it. You know, ’cause when you’re hanging with a gang, there might be a dude that’s hanging with you that got a beef with these people over here. And then all of a sudden you getting stabbed up or you in a fight or something or arrested over that.
Remarkably, Malcolm’s peers do not provide him with a sense of security but rather with a grave sense of peril. Keeping to himself, however, has not protected Malcolm from all threats of violence. He was recently shot at by
