I feel that I’m fine. You know, I’m not gonna try to say I wish I was like this or like that because I just have to accept myself for who I am now. I can’t say I’m all good. I can’t say I’m all bad. I just try to do my best. If you try to be all good, sometimes you just—what you think is good might not always be right.
Malcolm again reveals a capacity to understand the variation of his personality and of his relationships. Malcolm’s self-description seems honest (“I’m sort of caring”) and astute.
Does anything stand out for you [over the past year] as having been especially good or bad?
Just [my] grades. It shows people feel that I’m good, but then I take it as like, you know, I can go out and be in a gang or whatever, come to school and do my best. You know, so, therefore, those grades don’t mean I’m good. But then it’s just when I’m in the gang they think I’m bad. So it’s really odd.
Malcolm’s critique of one-sided perceptions is unique among the adolescents we interviewed. He is cognizant—perhaps due to his own experiences (although he currently does not belong to a gang)—that one can be both “good” and “bad” at the same moment and is baffled by the fact that most people refuse to allow for such complexity. Offering evidence of his different sides, Malcolm tells Mike of his arrest last month for being in a stolen car (he received a short probation), and of his recent academic achievements that include making the honorable mention list.
Malcolm is quite proud of being on the honorable mention list. He tells Mike that he received a “little medal” for that honor, but immediately explains that he is not on the more prestigious honors list because he is getting a C in one of his classes. He is pleased with himself for improving his grades from last year, but believes he is capable of doing even better. He has done well in school because for “the first time” he “really tries to listen” when he is in class. Relying exclusively on homework to help him understand the class material does not work for Malcolm because “I do get lazy when it comes to like reading the whole section like I said, I do [homework] while I’m at school. I’ll say I’ll do it at home, then when I get home, I just get lazy.” Malcolm speaks about his own “laziness” in the midst of telling Mike of his academic achievements. While he listens in class and is doing better in school, he admits to not completing his homework. When I listen to Malcolm speak about his school performance, my professional training leads me to want to categorize his school performance as “good,” “average,” or, perhaps, “lazy.” Malcolm’s perception of himself in school, however, resists these flat categories. He is a student who is doing well and who is struggling to do better.
Reflecting on his high school, Malcolm considers the only problem to be the absence of a Black History course “because it could help [black] students realize that they can be somebody.” Learning for Malcolm is an experience directly linked to his life. Through education, and particularly education about the past and present lives of his ancestors, he believes that he and his black peers would realize their potential. In a school where almost half of the student body is black, Malcolm is, I think, justifiably distressed at the lack of such a course.
Aside from this gap in the curriculum, Malcolm, to my surprise, likes his high school. Because his junior high school did not enforce the rules or encourage learning, he says he did not do as well in school as he does now in high school (he says he was also spending time with the “wrong people” in junior high). He appreciates that the administrators and teachers at his high school are strict because their actions, he believes, create an environment that is conducive to learning.
When asked about his plans for college, Malcolm responds affirmatively but sounds unsure whether he will really go. After high school, Malcolm says he would like to be an entertainer or an engineer.
When you think of the future, what do you think of?
I just think of me growing up. I just wanna be well-set even if I gotta work. ’Cause I rather be an entertainer, therefore, I can, you know, have fun at what I’m doing, at what I like to do. But like if I gotta work, I just wanna have a well-set job where I’m getting paid a good amount of money where I could save stuff. Being—doing good for me. I’m standing on my own feet, not asking people. Even if I do gotta ask, I wanna make sure, I’m able to—I got the right things in my head, so I could pay it back, give it back.
How likely does it seem to you that that will happen?
Well, I feel like there’s a great possibility ’cause it’s just that I gotta get out of this lazy mood. ’Cause like getting in shape, that seems so hard. So far I been doing that. So I think that’s like my first step to doing anything ’cause once I got everything in order, then I feel I could do it even though I might need a break once in a while.
Malcolm’s standards for himself are clear: he wants independence yet allows himself to ask for help when needed as long as he returns the favor. He “can do it” even though he may need a “break once in a while.” By repeatedly stating, throughout his interview, that he needs to “get everything in shape,” and make “things neat” or “decent” before he can “do anything,” Malcolm implies that he does not feel that his life is in order or “neat.” He is, however, intent on finding such order.
When Mike asks Malcolm, “When is the future?” Malcolm answers:
Everyday. I just, you know, take it as a new day because I don’t ever know what might pop up, you know. Therefore, I don’t try thinking too far ahead ’cause the way things are today. I don’t try to think too negative, but you gotta think in the right perspective where you’re at, you know, where you’re living. You know a lot of people getting killed, especially innocent people, for no reason. You gotta think like, “Well, I could be one of those people so why should I sit here and just wait for this to happen.” Make a name for yourself while you’re here. So, therefore, people can remember you for not being lazy, drinking beer all the time. They could think that you were trying to do for yourself, trying to make a name, trying to get out.
One reason for Malcolm’s concern with his own laziness becomes clear in this passage. He wants to be remembered as self-reliant and as someone who “got out.” Strikingly, his awareness of death pushes him to want to “be somebody.” He tries not to think “negatively,” but believes that he has to think realistically, and this “right perspective” seems to enhance his perseverance.
When you think about the future, is there anything that you’re afraid of?
Death, really. I’m not really afraid to die. I’m really afraid of the outcome after I die. If I died before my mother or my sister, I just think about how hard it would hit them. … I’m not saying they couldn’t go on, but I know it’d be very hard. Even when like me and my mother argue, all of a sudden she be like, “I don’t wanna argue like that.” She always wants to settle things and stuff.
Malcolm speaks each year about his worries concerning the effects his own death would have on his mother and sister. He knows that given “the way things are today … where you’re living,” his life is constantly in danger and this knowledge seems to haunt both him and his mother.
When Malcolm is asked what makes his life worth living, he tells Mike:
Just the fact that I feel I know I can make it. That I have the strength and the whatever it takes to succeed. Really, that’s really what makes me feel like “yeah, my life is worth living.” ’Cause if I was doing bad in school and I felt there was nothing I could do about it, I feel that there would be nothing else really going for me. You know, I would probably be drinking more, whatever.
A
