Moreover, I’m not about to start “acting my age” just because I’m ill, nor will I allow my age to set me apart from others, younger or older. Illness notwithstanding, I believe that age has more to do with attitude and inner spirit than numbers, actuarial or otherwise. In short, I’m as young or as old as I choose to be.
THOUGHT FOR TODAY
The substance and quality of my life have very little to do with the year of my birth.
March 7
“Fear makes men ready to believe the worst.”
QUINTUS CURTIUS RUFUS
You’ll be going back to work in a couple of weeks, and you’re more nervous than on that day five years ago when you were first hired. You are not afraid that you can’t do the work; it’s not that. Nor are you afraid, as you were back then, that your performance won’t match the promises on your resume.
What does concern you is how your co-workers will react to your illness and behave toward you. Will they treat you as before? Or have some of them fallen prey to such myths as: Cancer makes workers less efficient. Cancer is contagious. Cancer is a death sentence.
Here again, as with so many aspects of illness, careful planning and clear communication can smooth the way, solve any actual problems, and forestall potential new ones.
If you haven’t kept up contact during your treatment and recovery—a few phone calls will ease your co-workers’ concerns about you and give you the chance to dispel any misconceptions they may have—once you’re back at work, you may want to schedule a get-together with fellow employees. This get-together will allow them (and you) to air concerns, correct wrong ideas, and decide the best ways to work together again.
THOUGHT FOR TODAY
I will ground my thoughts in reality, imagining the best rather than the worst.
March 8
“Knowledge is of two kinds: we know a subject ourselves or we know where we can find information upon it.”
SAMUEL JOHNSON
I decided, not long ago, that it was time to rearrange my bookshelves. I made excellent progress until I reached the shelf reserved for books, pamphlets, and materials pertaining to my various illnesses, namely heart disease, cancer, lupus, alcoholism, and osteoarthritis.
As I looked through the material, I was immediately struck by the rapid pace of change in diagnostic criteria, treatment approaches, and technology. The newspaper clippings, in particular, showed me how quickly a so-called medical breakthrough can be set aside or repudiated.
Browsing further, it became clear to me that at least half the material I had gathered was already obsolete. Probably an additional 25 percent was well on the way to becoming outdated.
The experience drove home once again the importance of self-education and the need to continually search out the very latest medical information, while avoiding literature that is several years behind the times, misleading, and possibly even dangerous. I now rely less on my own haphazardly gathered medical source materials and more on information available through support organizations, university bookstores, government agencies, and on-line computer services.
THOUGHT FOR TODAY
Staying up to date is my responsibility.
March 9
“God! Thou art love! I build my faith on that.”
ROBERT BROWNING
When illness comes to visit it often brings with it a considerable amount of baggage. One suitcase may overflow with an emotion-packed “Why me?” Another may be crammed with messages like, “I deserve to be sick!” Still another may be packed solid with, “I’m half the person I used to be” notions.
There are those who try to get rid of such self-destructive burdens by denying the reality of their illness. But, of course, that is self-destructive in its own way. Others attempt to bury the baggage and its cargo of negativity by pretending that they are self-accepting, self-confident, and in control, even though they are not.
For some of us, the most effective way to lighten the load and rebuild self-worth is by turning again to God. We reaffirm our belief that He accepts and loves us exactly as we are right now.
If at times we see ourselves as limited in some way, we try to remember that in God’s sight we are perfect. God loves us today as much as He did before we became ill. He will continue to love and support us no matter what changes take place in our health and our lives.
THOUGHT FOR TODAY
I am the same as ever; capable of loving and worthy of love.
March 10
“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”
PSALMS 51:10
You can’t remember the last time you had a meaningful conversation with your father. Your relationship with him has been severely strained for, what, ten years now? Even at family get-togethers you greet each other with barely discernible nods.
Now you are gravely ill. The cancer is very aggressive; you know it, and everyone else in the family does too. And for the first time in years your father is trying to reach out to you. To be completely honest, you have a tormenting ambivalence about the situation. You’re ashamed of the side of you that wants to go on hating him; and you wish you could nurture the side that wants to rebuild the relationship.
So you try to put yourself in your father’s shoes. How heart-wrenching it must be for him to stand by powerlessly as you are being dragged down by this catastrophic illness. And because the relationship is dysfunctional, his emotional pain must be all the more intense.
It’s clear now that you can’t run away and you can’t let it slide by. That’s not who you are or the way you choose to live. So you do your very best to appreciate his concern and accept his love and, at the same time, to be kind and loving to him.
THOUGHT FOR TODAY
The loving way is the right way.
March 11
“Look in my face: my name is Might-have-been; I am also called No-more, Too-late, Farewell.”
DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI
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