we accepted the message that to be taken seriously, we needed to be as objective as possible. This form of communication no longer serves us.
When training women clients, I carefully listen for how they assemble their content. If they go on too long or sound as if they’re delivering a clinical report on their topic, I’ll interject and ask for an “I” statement. It’s valuable for the speaker to include her perspective or tell me why she took a particular course of action. Including your take on a subject is not self-aggrandizing. When a speaker shares her unique perspective, the audience understands why it’s important to her and will more readily buy in.
When a speaker shares her unique perspective, the audience understands why it’s important to her and will more readily buy in.
There was a study conducted in the mid-1990s that’s still relevant today. Published as Self-Presentation Impression Management and Interpersonal Behavior, the study by Mark R. Leary determined the two most important factors required for a speaker to achieve a high likability quotient.36 The first is that the speaker needs to reveal something about herself (or her perspective) in her opening remarks. And the second is that her presentation should be tailored or customized to the audience.37
What fascinates me about this study is that even when someone disagrees with you, she’ll be more receptive if you risked sharing your take on the subject. I’ve noticed, whether the topic is economics, women’s health, or immigration, when a speaker presents a compelling, well-constructed argument and includes her own perspective, she has my attention. I’m impressed (and more easily swayed) because she’s courageous enough to take a public stand. In other words, I like her more.
Women have told me that their challenge is to be seen as respected professionals. As a result, they’re fearful that revealing something about their experience or perspective will somehow reduce their credibility. It’s the opposite. When you open up and give your opinion—as long as it’s thoughtful and relevant to the topic—you’re more likable, you’ll be taken seriously, and you’ll be seen as a leader. Here’s an example of a client we worked with at Eloqui who wanted to move into upper management.
Bobbie* was an analyst for one of the world’s largest technology firms. She came to us because she hadn’t been promoted in years and she felt that her career had stalled.
Every month, Bobbie was responsible for delivering the numbers and reporting on the effectiveness of two payment-process systems so her superiors could decide which to roll out to their customers.
Over five coaching sessions, we did our best to persuade Bobbie that in addition to delivering the numbers, she should include her professional opinion. Bobbie wouldn’t budge. She argued that we “didn’t understand her technology firm and advocating for one position over the other just wasn’t done.”
When we finally convinced her that she had nothing to lose, Bobbie gave her supervisors a compelling argument about why, from her perspective, one system was preferred over the other. One month later, Bobbie was promoted to a managerial position.
All this time, her superiors had been waiting for Bobbie to express her opinion and take a stand—they wanted to be sure she was capable of leading.
I understand Bobbie’s dilemma. We’ve worked at companies where the corporate culture doesn’t support or encourage innovation—except within extremely narrow parameters. I’m paraphrasing, but the thinking goes something like this: “There is the (company name) way. The company has a template to be followed for career advancement. There is a specific profile of what an executive looks and sounds like at the company.” If there’s no flexibility in how you communicate your message, it’s worth asking yourself whether the company you’re at is the best place for you to grow and develop your unique skills.
There’s another compelling reason for adding your own perspective or experience, especially at the beginning of a talk. Speaker anxiety typically peaks a couple of minutes before and during the first few minutes of a presentation. One of the best ways to mitigate anxiety is to speak about something from your own experience that you know well.
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* Stories in this book are based on real experiences, but client names and other identifiers have been changed to protect individuals’ privacy.
One of the best ways to mitigate anxiety is to speak about something from your own experience.
A few years ago, I was asked to address the Ventura, California, chapter of the National Association of Women Business Owners about finding your authentic voice. The event was held at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California, and was the first time I’d be delivering a keynote without my partner, David. I was comfortable with our tag-team routine, but going solo was new territory. Even though I was familiar with performance techniques to reduce anxiety, I worried that a quavering voice might plague me.
For my opening, I decided to tell the story of the first time I went skydiving. The rationale was that if my voice shook or my throat went dry, I could easily fold those symptoms into what it felt like before a jump. Every speaker needs a safety net.
While still in my seat, I mentally took myself back to the experience so that I could convey the immediacy of the jump. Even though it was many years ago, I felt the knot in my gut, heard the sound of the howling wind in the open cockpit, and saw the brightly colored parachutes of those who jumped before me. I knew that recalling these sense memories would give my opening story an added richness.
Just as I took the stage, lunch was served.
Without the expected wind-up of “Thank you for having me” or “Let me tell you a story,” I started with:
“The noise was deafening. The wind howled. Being the smallest, I was last in line. I scooted on my butt toward the giant gaping plane door . . .”
All the clanging of silverware abruptly stopped. I had the audience’s attention. They were surprised at how I started, and curious about what I would say next.
I felt an immediate confidence boost, and the synapses in my brain fired. Rather than getting every word right, I made the audience picture what it was like jumping out of a plane. Once they could imagine it, I made the link with how skydiving is similar to overcoming a fear of public speaking and finding your authentic voice.
This speech was a turning point for me. During the rest of my presentation, I was excited, not anxious. Rather than striving to be perfect, I redirected my attention to the audience to connect and convince them that they, too, could experience what I had. Of all the comments I received after the forty-five-minute talk, the majority were about skydiving and how the women couldn’t imagine making the jump—but they could imagine public speaking because at least it wouldn’t kill them! Even though it was my story, it touched a nerve with the audience.
Myth #4: It’s Not Ladylike to Rock the Boat
Don’t let fear prevent you from challenging the norm or consensus.
Years
