events pre-transition photos.
8. Not saying name/pronoun assigned at birth in public.
9. Not saying name/pronoun assigned at birth during sex/intimacy.
10. Not posting documents, awards, or licenses that contain the written name/pronoun assigned at birth anywhere.
COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019
SAMPLER SHARE
Did any person’s reaction to the transition in relation to pronoun use or name change surprise you? If yes, who? Explain how they surprised you.
AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE
How can we
Remain a couple
When you are not
Remaining?
I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time about seven months into dating. I was genuinely shocked that after coming out to them over ten years ago, his mother was still misgendering him. Continually. She even used his birth name a few times, despite him having legally changed his name. I was caught off-guard. I froze. I looked to my boyfriend for a sympathetic eye-roll or some sign of him being shocked and appalled as well. Nothing. He seemed completely unfazed. I was uncomfortably preoccupied. Would she think I was crazy for using male pronouns? Would she dislike me? It made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I feared and avoided pronouns for our entire first night out: Through drinks. Through dinner. Through a comedy show and through a train ride home. I just smiled politely and pretended nothing was going on. I asked my boyfriend about it after dropping them off at the hotel. He dejectedly told me that they had “backslid a little.” It felt like a lot to me! It made me sad that he didn’t correct them. Why wouldn’t he stand up for himself? Could I stand up for him? He has said he doesn’t want me correcting strangers, so I knew I definitely shouldn’t correct his parents.
Our relationship was becoming serious and it felt pretty important that these people liked me. Fighting back the fact that blood rushes to my ears and I lose hearing for a second when he is addressed with female pronouns made it difficult to even keep up with conversation. It was exhausting. The rest of the trip I bucked up and used his correct pronouns. Continually! It was easier the more I did it. Turns out they were willing to ignore my pronouns and I was willing to ignore theirs. Not the most socially aware unspoken agreement I’ve ever been part of, but we really got along splendidly for the rest of the visit. Me with my pronouns and them with theirs.
I’m still with my boyfriend and I will definitely be seeing his parents again. In general, they are ridiculously kind, generous people that I enjoyed spending time with and even look forward to spending time with in the future. I will just know to give myself a little pronoun pep-talk before their next visit. If my boyfriend can handle the feelings that bubble up every time his family misgenders him, then so can I.
(Shared by Lucy)
COUPLE COMMUNICATION CORNER
When partners or couples speak spontaneously out of anger or fear about the unknown, without thinking it through, they can sometimes regret the way they phrased it. Rehearsing what and how partners may want to ask or discuss with their trans-identified partner, and/or others, can help partners and couples before they actually communicate their thoughts. This gives the non-transitioning partner a moment to reflect and pause before they converse about emotional topics. Partners may choose to practice asking these questions with a trusted friend, family member, spiritual mentor, or therapist first.
Explain your thoughts and feelings about these questions to each other. Do you and your trans-identified partner answer these questions in the same way or differently? Discuss your responses to understand how you view them and make time to celebrate all you learn from being willing to communicate with each other.
| 1. When do you prefer a particular artifact and/or photo be removed and why? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 2. Why are you requesting for a particular artifact and/or photo not to be removed? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 3. Where will you store your artificats and/or photos that are removed? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 4. Which artifacts and/or photos, if any, will be thrown away or gotten rid of some way? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 5. Will certain artifacts and/or photos that are removed, be replaced? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 6. How will the artifacts and/or photos that are removed be replaced? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE
Loss of
Pronouns,
Names,
Pictures,
Memories.
Loss of…
| 7. How would you like to handle misgendered moments? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 8. What full name or names would you like to be addressed with now? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 9. How will you decide how you will explain the changing of pronoun/name to others? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 10. What will you say when the changing of pronoun/name will be explained to others? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
Chapter 4
GRIEF MAY APPLY
VITAL VIGNETTE
It is extremely difficult to explain how grief and loss may play a major role for some partners who are told the person they are in a relationship with is planning or has begun to transition. The reverse also holds true. For some partners, learning this information can be a time of celebration with few or no feelings of loss or grief.
AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE
Grief,
So many stages,
All at once!
This chapter will focus on those who have experienced or are experiencing any sense of loss, pain, or grief once they have understood that the person they are in a relationship with is planning to or has begun transitioning. From the outside looking in, this pain, loss, and grief may seem unjustified or baffling because the person in transition is still alive and can often be in their life on a daily basis. It is true that the non-transitioning partner can still talk to the trans-identified partner, eat with them, and do many or most of the things together that they did prior to knowing about the transition. Yet in reality, so much is changing. Your daily life may never be the same again and will continue to change for a length of time, even though it might not appear so different to others. It can be a seemingly invisible loss and source of pain or grief for those who are in the relationship.
Many partners have shared
