understandably elated about the name or pronoun change, there can be some sense of loss felt by the partner, family members, or friends. This grief needs to be acknowledged and spoken about, for it should not be overlooked. For some, it is an erasing of something that has been a major part of the transitioning person’s history, and although that reality may not be extremely painful for those in transition, there can simultaneously be a strong feeling of mourning for others. Both sides have a right to be recognized, without judgment or criticism of any party involved.
In addition to no longer using the transitioning person’s name or pronoun, partners are often asked to remove any photos and/or memorabilia connected to the life the transitioning person lived prior to the transition. These requests, though critical to those in transition, can cause major sadness, loss, anger, and resentment for the partners who treasure the past history and memories of their life together.
Where is the space, time, and place for the partner who is in desperate need for catch-up time? The pain the partner and others can experience is real and it must be discussed, valued, honored, and respected. The focus of this chapter creates that space and place for partners to process and acknowledge this possible loss and pain through writing and sharing their feelings, thoughts, and, for some, real grief.
Negotiating when, with whom, and under what circumstances the past history can be discussed is both extremely time-consuming and exhausting. These very sensitive conversations may require an enormous amount of patience and compromise throughout the entire transition. These dialogues may even continue long after the transition is no longer a major focus of the relationship. Unanticipated circumstances involving reunions with old acquaintances or relatives may require a rehashing of history or past memories, which may once again require an explanation of the changing of pronouns or name. The loss can be relived during very subtle or matter-of-fact tasks such as seeing the old name when opening daily mail, sorting through legal documents, looking through photo albums, or simply viewing the name on your door or buzzer to your apartment. It is recommended that each one of these possible scenarios be addressed and thought through as much as possible. If the partner is requested to use new pronouns and a new name or to eliminate artifacts that make the transgender person feel very uncomfortable, it must be understood that it can all feel too much at first. To have these changes become automatic for the partner, time and communication can be the best healers and the kindest methods for the desired outcome sought by the person in transition. Above all else, having patience and understanding can be key for this part of the transition process!
GRAPHICS GALORE
Splash
What are the pronouns or possible names your partner is considering using now that they are contemplating or are transitioning? By creatively splashing words and/or short phrases, quickly attempt to express your answers randomly with as many responses as possible scattered on the paper.
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GRAPHICS GALORE
Venn Diagram
What artifacts are displayed in your living environment that may need to be taken out of view in order to move forward with the transition?
COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019
REFLECTIVE RESPONSES
1. What is your partner’s preferred identity now? (Name, pronoun, and gender.)
2. Will you play a role when your trans-identified partner selects their name and/or pronoun?
3. How will you prefer to be introduced individually and as a couple? When will this begin?
4. Will there be different criteria for different people, for each one of you?
5. What names and pronouns will be used for each of you during intimate moments?
6. Did any person’s reaction to the transition in relation to pronoun use or name change surprise you? If yes, who and how did they surprise you?
AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE
Why are you smiling?
My life is erupting.
How can you be happy?
Our life is being erased.
7. As you look around your home, what are you willing to remove?
8. Which of these removals or decisions will be made by you, your partner, and together?
9. What will be the time frame for each one of these decisions/removals?
10. How will you refer to, state, or use the new name, pronoun, or gender when you discuss memories and/or the past with each other or other people?
COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019
GRAPHICS GALORE
Web
What artifact does your trans-identified partner want removed that you do not want taken down or put out of view?
COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019
GRAPHICS GALORE
T-Chart
What do you view as positives, negatives, or neutral about your partner changing the name and/or pronoun they were assigned at birth?
| + (Positives) | – (Negatives) | = (Neutral) |
COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019
DESERVING DE-STRESS DELIGHTS
Creating
When things around me were feeling as if they were falling apart, I built or made something that gave me a sense of strength and purpose. Nothing I created was earth-shattering, but each endeavor helped remind me that I had value and importance. Since I love craft activities, I created collages of words and pictures to express how I was feeling, knitted or crocheted scarves and hats, embroidered or needlepointed images, and even painted, simply to
