VIGNETTE
For some partners, finding out that your partner is now trans-identified can be a time celebrated with prideful excitement and a welcome relief. The news can create a special closeness in the relationship and an opportunity to embrace all that is to come in the future. For others, however, being told that your significant other is transgender, especially when you were unaware of this fact and never expected this possibility, can be initially confusing, induce worry, trigger concerns, and prompt an array of fears. Sometimes, a partner can experience a combination of all of these emotions. It is critical that you do not judge your response to the information you have been told, but rather honor all of the thoughts that are in your mind and heart. Every partner brings their own history to this disclosure and can react and internalize this knowledge in a way that is unique to their own circumstance. There is space enough for everyone’s journey and for every emotion that arises! Some partners need time to process this news in solitude, while others may have a desire to research and gather as much information as possible. Some may want to discuss all the details with the partner who now identifies as transgender, whereas others may find it more suitable to process this new reality with a close friend, family member, spiritual mentor, or therapist. Each preference must be honored and respected. The challenge in this situation is deciding which choice works best for you and when. Although controversial, your need to process this news may not be aligned with the wishes of the person who is transgender. As a result, this can cause a great deal of conflict within the relationship. Each person’s needs must be considered, communicated, and valued. Sometimes outside professionals can play a critical role in the next steps to assist each person to find their own voice. Ideally, those involved in the transition will be in sync and have enough clarity to reach a consensus that is acceptable to both of them.
AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE
I don’t understand,
How did I
Not know?
However, the reality is that, in some cases, the process can be extremely painful for both or one person in the relationship. If this happens, and it sometimes does, the partner may need to make a decision as to whether they will choose to honor their own needs above those of their partner in transition, or whether they are able to place the trans-identified person’s needs and wants above their own. It can be a time of great struggle for some and a very natural flow for others. For some partners, this exploration will be an easy passage, obvious and painless; for others, it may be an overwhelming journey, filled with much internal conflict. Knowing and accepting that you have the right to travel the path that brings you the most comfort and peace will ease the pressure and will allow you to understand what is best for you, while searching for your own voice and needs in the relationship.
For those partners who clearly identify themselves as being at ease with learning that their significant other is transitioning, you may find it more helpful to jump around and not answer or complete every option offered in this workbook. You may be able to process the transition in a way that is not confusing, concerning, worrisome, or scary. Perhaps your mindset is due to the geographic area you live in, the history you have experienced within the LGBTQQIA+ community, or the time period in which you have grown up. Maybe your experiences have made the transitioning process of your partner’s transgender awareness one that is not filled with questions or opposition. If this is the case, simply use this journal as a tool to assist you in housing your written thoughts and respond to whichever questions and exercises that best serve your needs.
For the portion of those partners who identify themselves as possibly overwhelmed, concerned, fearful, and/or worried with learning of the transition, this workbook can be a major form of support at a time when you can no longer recognize yourself and/or your relationship, your own needs, and what your next steps may be in the near future. Discovering anything unexpected can be difficult to grasp, especially when you have been in a relationship or an environment where the word “transgender” was not a part of your vocabulary. Trying to sort out all the unknowns and hundreds of questions that may be racing in your mind can baffle and numb the thought processes of even the most articulate and verbal individual within a very short span of time. Challenging as life may be, once you are told this information, it can be extremely empowering and helpful to write down everything that is happening. Simply documenting the when, how, and what of a situation enables you to process all you are experiencing and feeling. Later, when you are able to think more clearly and express your feelings in words, having a detailed diary of your thoughts, fears, or questions may foster the clarity, that in time, will return once again. The guttural racing of thoughts can be never ending. Documenting when and how you found out your partner is transgender or may be considering transitioning helps to recall the words and thoughts that were going through your mind as you received the information.
Journaling the specifics of it all can even help with clarity when you may choose to relay your process to a therapist or confidant in the future. Some people are unsure of how they feel when learning their significant other is transitioning. My recommendation is to answer what you can, but to pace yourself. It is not a test and there is no right or wrong answer. Feel free to peruse other sections or chapters in this workbook at any time.
You are in charge of how to navigate this journey of exploration in the hope of discovering how to fulfill your needs. Those needs and wants are an entire layer in and of themselves. In truth, as you may be figuring this all out, your previous life commitments and the transition are occurring simultaneously. This fact may compound the reality of your daily life. Carve out time and a place to journal about your uncertainties, fears, worries, and concerns in a safe space. The tools are for all those who have learned their significant other is now questioning their gender or identifying as transgender. Some questions may hold more significance or feel more relevant than others. Make this work for you and create your own course of understanding yourself. All the questions, exercises, and additional tools were included in this workbook for you!
GRAPHICS GALORE
Splash
Can you free-flowingly jot down all the emotions you feel or felt when you learned about the transition? By creatively splashing words and/or short phrases, quickly attempt to express your answers randomly with as many responses as possible scattered on the paper. (Examples: angry, very content, scared.)
COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019
GRAPHICS GALORE
Web
Although the transition may be unexpected and confusing, now that you know, this is a space for you to share the range of emotions you are experiencing. Exploring positive and exciting thoughts, as well as those that are baffling, can be extremely cathartic. Select one concerning thought or celebratory feeling and write it down in the center of the web. Then branch out and write other specific detail subtopics in the outer circles. This graphic exercise can help you organize and understand the topic in depth with fewer words, yet still enable you to express yourself.
COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019
REFLECTIVE RESPONSES
1.
