Your relationship with family/children.
8. Your relationship with friends.
9. Your trans-identified partner’s social/medical changes.
10. Your partner’s safety and yours.
COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019
SAMPLER SHARE
Now that I know, are there any fears, worries, and concerns going through my mind about the transition?
Transition is the Leviathan of emotional roller coasters. I now know how deeply I love my wife and how committed we are to continuing to live our lives together. But we are still a long way from riding off into the sunset. I fear what is yet to come on a journey that is still at least another 3–4 years from completion. There is no rulebook. Everyone has their own unique experiences. I worry that she will become so dysphoric as we head back into a holding pattern for the next 25 years that her despondency will overwhelm her and pull her farther away from me. I am concerned that our chosen timeline is unrealistic and unattainable. I fear that we will not make it through this together. We are really going through three transitions: hers, ours, and mine. They intersect and have some commonality but are unique and different from each other. I worry that we don’t know how to allow each of these transitions to happen organically.
AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE
Ask questions,
Get answers,
Keep asking
More questions.
Sometimes it feels like we are on the same roller coaster but in different cars! I am concerned that I can give her what she needs but that I can also give myself what I need and vice versa. I am concerned that she even knows what I need or how to support me or if she has the energy or inclination to do so. What I know is, when we get to the end of this transition process, that my wife will truly be happy to finally be her authentic self.
(Shared by Grace)
COUPLE COMMUNICATION CORNER
When partners or couples speak spontaneously out of anger or fear about the unknown, without thinking it through, they can sometimes regret the way they phrased it. Rehearsing what and how partners may want to ask or discuss with their trans-identified partner, and/or others, can help partners and couples before they actually communicate their thoughts. This gives the non-transitioning partner a moment to reflect and pause before they converse about emotional topics. Partners may choose to practice asking these questions with a trusted friend, family member, spiritual mentor, or therapist first.
Explain your thoughts and feelings about these statements to each other. Do you and your trans-identified partner answer these questions in the same way or differently? Discuss your responses to understand how you view them and make time to celebrate all you learn from being willing to communicate with each other.
| 1. Do you think you will still be attracted to your trans-identified partner during and after the transition? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE
I am important!
I am visible!
My needs matter!
| 2. Do you think your trans-identified partner will still be attracted to you during and after the transition? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 3. How do you think the transition will affect your sex life? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 4. How do you think the transition will affect your finances or employment? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 5. How do you think the transition will affect your partner’s finances or employment? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 6. How do you think the transition will affect your relationship with each other? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 7. How do you think the transition will affect your relationship with your family/children? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 8. How do you think the transition will affect your relationship with your friends? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 9. What social or medical changes do you think your trans-identified partner will need to undertake to feel whole? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
| 10. Do you think your trans-identified partner will be safe in public throughout and after the transition? | |
| The partner’s thoughts: | The trans persons’s thoughts: |
COPYRIGHT © D. M. MAYNARD – THE REFLECTIVE WORKBOOK FOR PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLE – 2019
Chapter 3
WHO ARE YOU?
VITAL VIGNETTE
It may seem insignificant to some, but a person’s name is extremely intertwined with their identity. Perhaps this is why a large majority of transgender persons change or adjust the name they were assigned at birth. Each individual has their personal reasons and usually selects the name change, when desired, with extreme care. This name change is not necessarily done as part of a team, and many times the non-transitioning partner can be unaware that the name will or has evolved. The surprise and unexpectedness of the name change can be deeply saddening and very confusing for the partner. As with the rest of the process, whenever possible, this too could be something that the transitioning partner may consider including the partner in. Even when the partner is included, much needs to be ironed out involving the name change, especially the specifics of timing in relation to who is told, when, and how. To add further adjustments, the partner may be faced with the reality that the transgender partner desires to be addressed by a pronoun never used before. Again, to some this may seem like an extremely reasonable request, but to the partner this desire may be overwhelming, confusing, and destabilizing. It may be understandable that the person transitioning wants their pronoun to match their affirmed gender; however, the acceptance and learning curve for this may be quite difficult for partners and could take a while to grasp. Even the most embracing partner may require time to adjust to the request of referring to the trans-identified partner using the new personal pronoun and/or a new name.
AFFIRMATIVE ANECDOTE
He, she,
They, sie,
Ze, ve,
What about
Me?
Many family members, friends, and employers may also require a period of time to adjust to using the name and pronoun changes that the transitioning partner desires. Some people will even consciously or unconsciously rebel against the name or pronoun changes. Any errors, whether intentional or accidental, can cause much public embarrassment and confusion to everyone involved. This adjustment is something that partners and/or others may need to figure out for themselves, and if time is necessary to process these changes, it must be granted. Although the
