The addictive part of your brain makes you think it does. Just like with any high, there comes the inevitable low: the guilt, shame, and embarrassment for overeating and being overweight. Think of how much wonderful, delicious food you can enjoy for many more years if you were to let go of the false need for a quick fix and instead focus on all that you already have that makes you whole.
Instead of Jiminy Cricket on our shoulder, we have what I consider to be this big fat resident junkie rat living upstairs in our attic looking to get a fix anyway it can! We can’t evict this rat, but we can learn to become the conscious observer of our thoughts and recognize when this rat is acting up and call it out! Screw you, rat, I DON’T need another slice of cake!
Monitor Obsessive Thoughts
Instead of feeding on obsessive thoughts about food—it’s hard to obsess about food when you’ve truly learned to enjoy just about every kind of food, restaurant, and situation in moderation—my screwy mind was looking for other ways to get its fix. My mind was hooked on telling me all the things I was doing wrong with my book tour and that I was wasting my time and would not be successful and should just go back to doing law full-time. That fat rat had gotten skinny and was looking for any crumbs it could find to satisfy its hunger. Our minds need to feel like they are in constant control, and nothing makes them feel more in control or powerful than when they are getting high off of self-destructive thoughts. This makes us feel worse and allows our minds to beat us up some more and try to get us to do the very same thing again to satisfy their addiction. Instead of enjoying what I thought I wanted, I stopped enjoying and living in the moment and started comparing myself to standards my mind kept making up. I kept thinking about what my life would be like had I not published this book and wasted all this time and money. It’s like the times when I used to diet and all I could think about was the delicious foods and restaurants I was missing out on, which would lead me to fall off the wagon and binge.
I realized that my mind was the culprit, the same mind that used to tell me I should be deprived in order to lose weight. It was what constantly reminded me of what I am missing out on and that I was a fat, unlovable, undisciplined failure. Yet it kept telling me I wanted and needed to eat more. Our minds can be our own worst enemies by working against us to undermine and sabotage us. My resident junkie rat had been living rent-free in my head my entire life, causing about as much pain and destruction as the worst tenant you may have ever tried to evict for not paying rent, for destroying the furniture, smashing the windows, or setting the place on fire! The same mind that used to obsess about food and think that excess eating was going to solve the world’s problems had decided to take up a new campaign: beating me up over my decision to write and publish my book and making me feel bad about myself. Thoughts like these could lead someone with a history of overeating or any kind of addiction to “fall off the wagon” and go back to their destructive behaviors or self-medicating. Remember, you are in charge at all times! The rat inside your head trying to tempt you to eat a little more and the committee that is trying to talk you down, are not the “real” you! They are a part of you, but these thoughts reside in the addictive part of our brains.
Remember what I had to nearly die to learn: We are more than our bodies and our minds; we are our souls. We were our souls before we came to be in this life; we are now, and we always will be, long after this life we are living is over. When you look at the big picture, all this nonsense our minds try to get us to buy into to feed their addictions is so unimportant. Yet, when we are in the throes of addictive and self-deprecating behavior, we can become totally consumed by our thoughts, which lead us to feel powerless, out of control, afraid, sad, angry, lonely, and overwhelmed, which in turn lead us to engage in behavior that is bad for us.
Our minds can inflict terrible damage on our psyche and self-esteem, and the truth is, most of what they tell us is just not helpful, if not flat out wrong. I started thinking of my “mind” (which was now telling me how I screwed up and could be doing so much better in another career) as this giant rat with gnarled, buck teeth residing in my head, eating cheese, chips, anything it could get its little paws on, and pissing, shitting, scratching, gnawing, and making a mess! My mind took the focus off myself and my well-being and instead shifted the focus on everything else outside of me. I was running from here to there, not getting enough rest or exercise or eating as well as I had been, as I was telling my audiences they needed to do. My mind kept telling me I wasn’t successful, that I needed to do more, book more events, spend more on PR, get on more shows, anything to sell more books. I had reached the point that I was not enjoying it, and I had become something I fought so hard not to become—part of the “rat race.” I needed to slow down, breathe, take stock, and tell my mind rat to F-OFF!
Keep Friends Who Will Keep You Honest!
Last summer, a good friend met me at a bar not long after I had come home to Florida following several months touring and signing books out of state. I was upset about something and was looking for sympathy as I berated myself and questioned everything I was doing. Instead of agreeing with me or allowing me to beat myself up any longer, my friend said that I needed to stop making excuses, stop feeling sorry for myself, and “Needed to practice what I was preaching.” She said it was hypocritical for me to go out and share the story of my success with others and then go sit in a bar feeling sorry for myself and engaging in behavior that was harmful to myself.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. One of my best friends was totally taking me to the mat! What kind of friend would do something like that? A good one. We will all likely have friends who fall into several camps: the Naysayers, who want to rain on your parade and question what you do (you don’t need them); the Enablers, who will tell you you’re doing great, even when you know you aren’t (eat more, get fat again, we miss the old Fat Fred—you don’t need them either); and True Friends who will be 100 percent supportive, yet will call you out on your shit when necessary. For your own good! These are the friends you will want to keep.
She was right. Wake up, Fred! What are you doing? You’ve come so far for this? What possible good was I doing for myself or anyone else by feeling sorry for myself and going out and drinking too much? Thankfully, my friend called me on it and refused to enable me. I said, “You’re right, it’s time for me to leave and have someone drive me home.” What I was doing that afternoon was just another form of overeating, which I was reminded contains a lot of empty calories and went straight to my belly. Hurting myself wasn’t going to solve my problems. Rather, it would only make things worse.
Practice What You Preach!
The next day, I decided I didn’t like being called a hypocrite, and, more than that, I really didn’t like being one. I didn’t like how I was behaving: passing the buck and allowing everything and everyone outside of me to affect me so profoundly. Would it only be a matter of time before I started overeating and gaining back the weight? I began to not only practice what I was preaching, I began to fully EMBRACE it! What was I doing? I loved myself enough to lose 150 pounds. Why couldn’t I love myself enough to accept things I couldn’t change and realize that I had everything I needed, and everything was exactly as it was supposed to be, whether I liked it or not. I needed to stop looking elsewhere for gratification and fighting the reality of what is. I needed to start being kinder, gentler, and more honest with myself, like when I began losing weight. I was a thirty-year-old child who needed to be taken by the hand and treated with compassion and also with tough love, which my friend gave me.
I had to stop making excuses and enabling myself to do things that weren’t good for me.
Take Time Out for Reflection and Self-Assessment
After the first year of touring and signing books, I took some time off to reflect. I needed to go back to being gentle with myself, just like when I began to lose weight. I didn’t start The Restaurant Diet by telling myself I was a big, fat, undisciplined failure, like I had in the past. I needed to tell remind myself of all the positive things I had accomplished during the past year, related to my book tour and other areas of my
