other women that having a gay husband is no big deal. Don’t be misled. It is a very big deal, and a woman with a healthy thinking mind will not stay married to a gay man indefinitely.
Q. I have been divorced from my gay husband for two years and almost all aspects of my life have gotten back to normal except for one—sex. For some reason, I just can’t resume sexual relations. I freeze up as soon as I get close to someone. Is this unusual?
A. It is very common for women who have had gay husbands to have sexual hang-ups for short or long periods of time after the marriage. During the marriage, a wife is often faced with feelings of inadequacy because her husband does not want her. The sexual patterns of straight couples are considered “abnormal” by the gay spouse, and he often criticizes his wife’s sexual needs and desires. In time, this can have a damaging effect on the wife’s self-esteem in the bedroom. Some women are told they are responsible for their husbands’ turning to men. This leaves them with a strong sense of sexual inadequacy.
Even though you may be able to intellectually comprehend the situation of marrying a gay man and are dealing with it, emotionally it leaves its scars. One of those scars is usually in the area of sex. If you are having difficulty conquering this problem over a long period of time, it is best to seek counseling with someone who specializes in sexual problems.
Q. Should I be worried about AIDS?
A. Most definitely, as well as numerous other sexually transmitted diseases. It never ceases to amaze me that in this day and age of constant reminders and death tolls, men are still not responsible when it comes to having sex with male partners and then with their wives. Through the years, I have counseled dozens of women who contracted AIDS through their husbands and who eventually died a terrible, painful death. For a number of years in the 1980s when AIDS was an automatic death sentence, there seemed to be less risks taken by gay males. But over the last few years, with the discovery of various life-sustaining drugs, it appears that men are taking chances again because they are under the impression that they can continue to live with medication. I have gay friends who have revealed that they are less careful today than five or ten years ago. The truth is that AIDS is not a curable disease and people still die from it. If you have the slightest suspicion that your husband has engaged in homosexual activities, even if he staunchly denies it, be safe and take an HIV test. If there is any doubt in your mind about your husband’s sexual orientation, make sure that you use protection if you are continuing to have sexual relations with him. My saddest experiences as a counselor came about over the years were when women would call me to tell me that their husbands had AIDS, that they were dying from AIDS, and now their children were being left as orphans. Early detection of HIV can definitely prolong your life. Ignoring the possibility can result in your untimely death.
Nothing distresses me more than women who suspect their husbands are having gay relationships but continue to have unprotected sex with their husbands. When I question them why they are playing Russian roulette, they tell me it’s because they don’t want their husbands to feel that they can’t be trusted. It’s incredible that they are willing to prove their love in such a dangerous way. So many of my women have been diagnosed with herpes, syphilis, and pre-cancerous conditions from their gay husbands’ infidelity, and yet, unprotected sex goes on.
The most frequently asked question from women is if there is any way to detect whether or not their husbands are gay and what are the signs.
Unfortunately, there are no definite ways to tell if a man is gay unless he is either honest with you or you catch him in the act. However, there are certain behavior patterns to watch for that may help you come to your own conclusion.
First, learn to understand homosexuality. Most people are under the misconception that a man who is gay is effeminate and swishy, as is stereotyped in the mass media. Although this is true of some gay men, it certainly is not representative of most gay men, especially those who marry! For instance, my lack of understanding this aspect of homosexuality put my mind at rest about my ex-husband, even when others confronted me with their suspicions. He was an excellent athlete, which certainly exemplifies “machoness” at its best; therefore, how could he possibly be gay?
Sexual activity is another area that is often a giveaway. Although some gay men can certainly sexually perform with females, they are usually not over anxious about doing it. Touching a woman’s vaginal area turns them off. Performing oral sex on their wives is usually out of the question, while wanting it performed to them is a preference.
If you experience a spiraling decline in sexual activity within the first few years together, it is a warning signal. All marriages have their ups and downs sexually that are caused by financial, emotional, family, and stress related problems. However, once the problems are resolved, the sexual activity picks up. Sexual activity in straight men is a common, normal practice. Even if the romance and passion has gone out of the marriage, the need for sexual release is still there. In straight/gay marriages, the decline continues regardless of the other surrounding circumstances because the husband’s need for sex is not with a woman but rather with a man.
In a straight/gay relationship, the woman often finds herself the more sexually aggressive partner. This is because the gay spouse is not particularly interested in having sex. If left up to him, sex is only performed as often as necessary to keep the premise going that he is “normal.” This is not to say that a gay man cannot be satisfied or achieve an orgasm from sex with his spouse; however, this is not his preference. His enjoyment is based on emotional needs, not sexual ones.
I have spoken to women who have asked me about behavior patterns that I find to be cause for alarm. This is my checklist:
1. NORMAL SEXUAL APPETITE
If your sexual needs fall into the realm of “normal” without excessiveness, but your husband tries to make you think that you are a nymphomaniac, you have a problem. To a gay man, normal sexual practices are definitely excessive. In my marriage, which was typical of others in this situation, my husband demeaned me for being “too pushy or too aggressive” by wanting to make love with him. I didn’t have excessive sexual needs, but rather I had the normal needs of most women. I would have been happy to have sexual relations twice a week during the first few years of my marriage, but that was too much for my husband. After our first year of marriage, he “performed” once a month for my benefit and it was very empty sex. As much as he pretended to enjoy being with me, I knew that he didn’t.
This made me feel as if I wasn’t a worthy lover and took the joy out of it for me as well. No woman wants to feel that she cannot please or satisfy her husband. It makes you feel inadequate and flows over to other parts of your life. And no woman wants to feel as if her husband is doing her a favor by making love to her. It is humiliating and embarrassing.
A gay man will do everything to discourage you when it comes to making love. He will come up with more excuses than women who are accused of doing this to avoid sex. Sexual rejection starts stripping away who you are as a woman, making you feel ashamed to want to be intimate. This is his ultimate plan—to make you stop asking for what is rightfully yours.
2. DECLINE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY EARLY IN THE MARRIAGE
If you experience a
