with a woman, that in and of itself does not mean that he is bisexual. It means that he can perform heterosexual sex. Some men perform out of duty, others out of an emotional need, and still others because they need a sexual release and their wives are handy. These men can complete sex, orgasm (sometimes), and a few even feel satisfied, but they still prefer to have sex with a male partner.
Often, the gay husband and the straight wife use the term “bisexual” because it is easier to deal with emotionally. It is more acceptable in our homophobic society and justifies a reason for keeping a marriage together. It is difficult for both partners to come to terms with homosexuality, and the classification of “bisexual” postpones the inevitable of dealing with the issue. I address the issue of bisexuality in a later chapter in this book.
Q. Why is my husband gay?
A. There are various theories about why a person is gay, but none has been proven completely. Some say genetics, while others say environmental factors. I believe that homosexuality is determined before birth. I have seen families where there are five children and one is gay, or four children and two are gay. If environment is the main factor, why aren’t all of the children gay?
Some people say that homosexuality is caused by a domineering mother and a passive father, claiming the father is a poor role model. Others say this occurs in families where the mother is passive and the father is aggressive and a poor role model. Almost everyone has one of these parent combinations, and yet, most of society is not homosexual. Although environment may have some effect, it is unlikely to determine a person’s sexual preference.
An example that challenges the environmental theory focuses on men who are in prisons. It is common for men who are straight to participate in gay sex while they are confined for a long period of time with no access to women, even though they had never considered homosexual relations prior to imprisonment. When these men are released from prison, they resume sexual relations with women without giving a thought to returning to gay sex. Even though they actively participated in homosexuality for long periods of time because of environmental factors, their basic sexual instincts did not change.
Q. Didn’t my husband know he was gay before he got married?
A. Chances are he did know something was different, but like you, he was misinformed. He thought that as long as he could “perform” with a woman, he was or really could be straight. He may have had one or more gay encounters with little success and/or lots of guilt and concluded that the straight world was where he belonged.
I have met gay men who insisted they didn’t know for sure that they were gay until after their marriages. But, even though this discovery came late, these men knew that there was something different about their sexuality, even if they didn’t pinpoint their feelings as homosexual.
Q. Why would a person who knows he is gay want to marry?
A. Gay men marry for a variety of reasons. The most common reason is because they are hoping for a miracle “cure” that will make them straight. Gay men who can function sexually with women (approximately 25%) often feel that their sexual desire for men will diminish once they are married and domestically settled. Marriage provides the illusion of heterosexuality, but it is only temporary. Within a short time, the husband realizes that his sexual urges for men are just as strong as ever, and the excitement he feels for his wife can never compare to the excitement he feels about men.
Other gay men marry because they have been brought up with the same American dream as straight men—the loving wife and the children in the house with the picket fence. For younger men in their twenties and thirties, the gay world often proves frustrating or empty. This results in the American dream looking better and better, causing gay men to convince themselves that they are ready to “give up the gay life and go straight.”
Another reason gay men marry is their desire to have children. Though paternal feelings can be genuine, fatherhood also creates a safe family unit and proves one’s masculinity to the outside world.
Gay men also marry because marriage provides a cover in today’s still homophobic society. Many high-level jobs would not promote a person to a higher level if homosexuality is suspected. Marriage and the family is a perfect cover and it allays the fears of the suspicious.
The ability to sexually function with a woman prompts 20 - 25% of gay men into marriage because in this situation they can cling to the illusion that they are straight. These are the men I feel most sorry for. They are neither here nor there, fish nor fowl, caught in between two worlds, neither of which they feel completely comfortable in. In most cases, they do not find sustained happiness in their lives because of their inability to come to terms with themselves.
I have also met men who deny their homosexuality for years, even though they have regular homosexual encounters. I have questioned these men about how they can deny this side of themselves, but they honestly can’t come to terms with it. They need to believe they are straight to such a degree that they deny their gayness altogether.
Q. Since my husband can function sexually in a heterosexual manner why does he “choose” the gay lifestyle?
A. This is a statement that I often hear from straight people—”It’s his choice to be gay. He doesn’t have to be if he doesn’t want to be. After all, he’s married (or has been married) and has children!”
When you think about this statement, you’ll realize how ridiculous it is. Why would anyone “choose” to be gay? Why would someone consciously choose to be part of a world that is frequently viewed by society as deviant or perverted? Why would anyone risk losing his family, home, job, and reputation if given a choice?
I surveyed 350 gay men and asked all of them the same question: “If you could take a pill tonight that would make you straight by morning, would you take it?” I received a resounding “yes” from 337 of those surveyed. Ten of them were not sure, and three said no. The overwhelming response came not out of shame, but out of a sense of reality. The world has not accepted homosexuality, and the gay lifestyle is not an easy one. How much simpler life would be for these men, if only they were straight.
A person does not “choose” his sexuality any more than he chooses his race or height. Once someone is gay, regardless of how we can dispute how he became gay (nature vs. nurture), that is his orientation. A person can suppress or repress his sexual preference for an indefinite period of time, but eventually, in most cases, learns to come to terms with his true self.
Q. Can my husband’s homosexuality be helped through some kind of therapy?
A. No! Some men spend years of their lives and waste thousands of dollars looking for a “cure” that does not exist. There are groups such as “Homosexuals Anonymous” and the ex-gay ministries that convince gay men that they can change if their belief in God is strong enough. “Aversion therapy” is a treatment that shows films to gay men that are meant to turn them away from their inborn orientation. These tactics may cause a temporary shift in sexual practices, but they by no means change the person’s homosexual desire.
The mind is a powerful tool, and a person can talk himself into another state of mind. However, somewhere down the line, a person’s natural orientation will surface.
There are people who insist that God, therapy, or other miracles are the solution. However, I question the quality of life of someone who has to live being something he is not. Is it fair to a person to have to change
