on is the welfare of the child or children. Any decision that is made should be thought out with the best interests of the children in mind. Often, children are caught up in the battles of the parents’ morals and egos, and they come out the losers.
How your child reacts to this news will depend on several factors:
1. Age—If a child is too young to comprehend the concept of sexuality, it can be damaging to discuss this. If a child is nearing adolescence, it is advisable not to reveal this information. For teenagers, sexuality is such a sensitive issue that this piece of information can definitely confuse the teenager even more. It causes the child to start questioning his/her own sexuality and feel an added burden.
2. Location of residency—If you live in an area that is very conservative, church-oriented, or far away from a large metropolitan city, chances are that the community will not be too accepting of homosexuality in general. Local attitudes definitely influence the way a child thinks. In large cities where gay communities are more visible and people tend to be more accepting in their attitudes in general, there is a better chance for your child to feel more comfortable about this because chances are the gay father may feel more comfortable.
3. Relationship between father and child—If a father has a close, nurturing relationship with his child(ren), the news will be easier to accept, especially if the father plans to continue the family relationship in the same vein. If the father has been aloof, abusive, uncaring, uncommunicative, etc., his homosexuality is just one more disappointment.
4. Relationship between the parents:
(a) If living together—If both parties have come to terms with this situation and decided to deal with it as best as they can, fighting and hostilities should be at a minimum. But if either partner resents being in the marriage and conflicts are a common event, the child will blame homosexuality for the unrest in his/her home.
(b) If living apart—I always say that when children are involved, you are tied together for life, so it is preferable to be friends than enemies for the sake of the children. If both parents have an understanding of each other’s values and put the welfare of the child before personal desires, pleasures, or judgments, the child will have an easier time accepting the gay parent. If the straight mother condemns, downgrades, criticizes, ridicules or calls the father names, it will be difficult for the child to have positive feelings about the gay parent.
Much of this depends on the next issue:
5. How the gay father handles his sexuality—I do not feel there is any reason for a parent to behave in a way that makes his child uncomfortable. If a child cannot deal with the father’s homosexuality, then he/she should not be exposed to the father’s gay lover(s), organizations, or hangouts. Homosexuality may be a lifestyle, but it is one that does not have to be displayed publicly. Fathers who constantly shove their homosexuality at their children are not helping them accept the situation, but rather turning them off even more.
It is important for the child to be given the time he/she needs to adjust to this situation while at the same time, to receive positive reinforcement from both parents. If a child does not accept the situation, the father should not take the attitude of, “Well, the hell with him/her, it’s my life and I’ll do what I want. After all, he’s/she’s only a kid.” That attitude will hinder any chance for a positive father-child relationship. The father should send the child cards or letters that reassure his love and availability. When a child does start spending time with his father again, the father should do everything possible to make sure that it is quality father/child time—not father, child and lover or other friends. Be aware of the child’s needs. Remember, it took the father a long time to accept his own homosexuality; the child may also need a long period of time to deal with it.
Q. If my husband is gay, is there any greater chance that my child or children will be gay?
A. This is a difficult question to answer because there is not enough scientific information on this. Statistically, it is said that 10% of the general population is gay. From several limited studies that I have seen over the years, statistics state that the number of children born gay with one gay parent is between 10% and 18%. It is not unusual for children of gay parents to question their sexuality more frequently than other children. Whether or not this is cause for concern has not been scientifically researched enough to make any concrete conclusions. However, if you believe the theory as I do about homosexuality being genetic, it would only follow that the chances of having a gay child are definitely higher.
Q. In desperately trying to keep my marriage together, I have tried to be open minded by reading books about homosexuality, going to gay bars, and going to meetings with other couples in the same situation. After a year of trying to relate, I am less comfortable than ever and thinking of divorce. Do you think I need more time to adjust or that I am not open minded enough?
A. It is not uncommon for some women to do everything possible to try to understand their husbands’ homosexual world, including being part of it. During the first year that I started my support group, I spent a significant amount of time learning about the gay community. I felt it was unfair to talk about gay issues unless I understood what they were really about.
After a year of “relating,” I removed myself from the gay scene because I found myself getting depressed. I was constantly reminded of the horrors of my own marriage, and I kept reliving parts of my nightmare every time I went into a gay club or meeting. Although I did gain a valuable education about gay lifestyles, mentalities, and values, my advice to women who think that joining in on their husbands’ lifestyle may help their marriage is: don’t do it!
The more time you spend in this world that is not yours, the more confused, depressed, and demoralized you will become. There is nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about homosexuality—especially when it is part of your marriage! No matter how open and accepting we are of others and what they choose to do in their lives, the situation becomes quite different once it is forced onto us and into our lives. Homosexuality is a way of life that is acceptable to those who are homosexual, but not for those who are not. Your gay husband has no choice in his homosexuality, but you have even less to say about it.
Even women who find themselves accepting of gay people, and, in fact, have gay friends, are confused by their inability to cope with their husbands’ homosexuality. Don’t fall into this trap. Accepting a stranger’s homosexuality or even a friend’s does not have a direct effect on your life. Having a gay husband does. You are suddenly thrust into a world that most of us have grown up to believe is amoral, distorted, and taboo. You now visualize your partner for life wrapped in the arms of another man. Some women cannot picture what goes on past that point, but even this limited image is enough to bring on a feeling of heartbreak and revulsion.
Finding out that a spouse is unfaithful with a woman is difficult enough to deal with under ordinary circumstances. Finding out that your spouse is making love to a man is more than most women can cope with. It is ridiculous to think that there is something wrong with you because you are not comfortable with the gay world. Some husbands will try to make their wives feel guilty by telling them about other wives who are accepting of their husbands’ homosexuality, and who, in fact, even accompany their husbands to gay bars and outings. Be aware that this is the exception—not the norm. Some women will take desperate measures to save or hold their marriages or hold onto their husbands.
There are a small percentage of women who claim not to be bothered by their husband’s sexuality and even go so far as to state that they can deal with another man, but not another woman. Some gay fathers’ or gay husbands’
