can that person be if he can’t be himself and has to be constantly on guard to hide his natural inclinations and feelings?
Gay men who suppress their sexuality to pass in the straight world often become mentally and/or physically abusive to their wives. They blame their wives, their closest and most convenient target, for forcing them to live a lie, even when the wife is clueless to her husband’s homosexuality. Obviously, this is no way for a marriage to exist.
Q. My husband claims that he has not acted on his homosexuality for two (five, ten, etc.) years. Is it possible that he is over it?
A. A man does not “get over” his homosexuality. He may be sincere and honest in his belief that he is no longer gay, but the fact remains that a person’s sexual orientation does not change.
In an effort to save their marriage, job position, respectability, and family acceptance, some men make a valiant effort to change and repress their sexual desires for an indefinite amount of time. Eventually, those feelings surface, and the problem must be faced again.
Often, gay men who are married will tell their wives, “It’s over, I got it out of my system,” or “I’ve outgrown those feelings,” or “I was just experimenting,” or “It was just a sexual impulse, but now it’s over and I’m ready to be a good husband.” Although these words may be sincerely meant when spoken, they are not realistic. The wife is so desperate to resolve the problem that she believes and accepts these explanations. Unfortunately, it is just a temporary reprieve. Within time, the pattern will recur, and the wife will be back where she started, with more years wasted on an impossible dream.
Q. My husband insists that if I had been a better (more attractive, more supportive, less demanding, etc.) wife, he would not have turned to someone of the same sex. Is this true?
A. Absolutely not. Your husband was gay long before both of you ever met. His conscious attraction for men may not have surfaced until after your marriage, but it was there, either suppressed or denied.
Due to the difficulty of accepting homosexuality within himself, the gay husband will often blame his wife for his sexual orientation. This practice of shifting blame is one of the ways wives of gay men become mentally beaten down and lose their self-esteem. What can be more psychologically damaging than thinking you are responsible for your husband’s turning to other men? This head game is usually quite successful because most women don’t understand homosexuality. They think that just because their husbands married them and that they had sex that produced children, they are straight.
All of a sudden, it “appears” as if the husband is losing his sexual desire for his wife, as his desire for men is increasing. What the wife doesn’t know is that her husband’s need for men was always greater than his need for her, and that his sexual desire for his wife was much more emotional than physical.
Ironically, if there is a common personality trait among wives of gay men, it is the fact that they are usually more supportive and understanding while being less demanding than other women. This is what attracts gay men to them—their belief that their wives’ accepting personalities will extend to their hidden homosexuality if the truth does get out.
Wives of gay men come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and nationalities. The average woman who marries a gay man looks the same as the average woman who marries a straight man. Even if the wife looks like Miss America, she can never be attractive enough to change her husband’s proclivity. Women simply have the wrong “plumbing,” and that’s all there is to it!
Q. Why did my husband choose to tell me about his homosexuality at this particular point in our marriage?
A. There is no set time when a man decides to reveal this information to his wife. Some men come out within the first year of marriage, while other men wait until their 25th, 30th, or 40th wedding anniversary or even later. A husband’s decision to come out is usually based on at least one of the following factors:
1. He gets tired of living a lie and coping with the guilt.
2. He has met a man with whom he wants to have a relationship.
3. He is ready to leave the marriage and is strong enough to tell his wife the truth.
4. He has acted on his gay sexual needs and now is finally sure about his sexuality and doesn’t want to hide it.
5. He is going through mid-life crisis and changes.
6. He has experienced the death of a close loved one.
In most of the cases that I know, the husband comes out at his convenience, not at the wife’s, and this is usually at a time when he doesn’t care whether or not his wife will accept his being gay. In most cases, he has met someone and wants to start a relationship with him. Or he becomes mentally and emotionally strong enough to become part of the gay world.
There are women who have told me, “He shouldn’t have told me when he did—it wasn’t a good time.” Let’s be honest, could there ever be a good time to hear this news? Of course not. This news is devastating no matter when you hear it. The sooner you learn about your husband’s homosexuality, the better it is for you. Think of all of the women who never find out what is wrong in their marriage and go through life thinking there is something wrong with them. Statistics show that nearly 65% of gay married men will never tell the truths to their wives, letting them linger in self-doubt and unhappiness for years. It is better to find out too soon than too late, and no matter when you find out, it isn’t soon enough.
Q. I have been told that it was impossible for me not to know that my husband was gay before we were married, and that subconsciously, I must have wanted to marry a gay man. Is this possible?
A. I hear gay men use this reason as an excuse for why it was okay not to inform their wives, but I don’t believe this is true overall. In most instances, it is impossible to know ahead of time that a spouse is gay, especially if he is making every effort to hide it. Some women have told me that they were drawn to their husbands because they were nurturing, caring, and affectionate. They appreciated the fact that their spouse wasn’t looking to jump into sexual relations immediately like many men are. Other women had limited experiences with men, and even if they thought something was not quite right, they didn’t understand what it could be. Most straight women have very limited experiences with gay men. Why would they think that a gay man would want to or even be able to have a relationship with a straight woman? For the small number of women that I have spoken to who knew that their husbands were gay prior to marriage (approximately 5%), most believed that marriage would change their husband’s sexual orientation.
I have spoken to some women who are afraid to get involved in a relationship again because they are convinced that somehow, on a subconscious level, they will be attracted to another gay man. If this starts to become a pattern, it is certainly worth looking into through personal counseling. But most women will be cautious in their approach to dating and have a better idea of what to look for in a partner.
Q. My husband feels that since he can be honest with himself about his sexuality, he’d like to be honest with our children. I am not comfortable with this. How do I handle this?
A. This problem occurs in most
