resumes. Sex for straight men is a common, normal practice satisfying a physical need. Even if the romance and passion has disappeared from the marriage, the need for sexual release is still there. In straight/gay marriages, the decline continues regardless of the circumstances—good or bad! This is because the husband’s need for sex is not with a woman, but rather with a man.
The sexual relationship is usually abnormal from the beginning of the relationship in the sense that the frequency is not nearly as high as a heterosexual relationship. But the gay male will try harder in the beginning due to the fear of the female questioning of his sexuality. I remember on our honeymoon how my gay husband insisted that we have sex each day, which was out of character with our usual twice a week at that point. He stated that he wanted me to always remember how wonderful our honeymoon was. He used this as a weapon against me in future arguments to convince me that he was perfectly “normal” sexually—after all, we made love every day on our honeymoon. This was his way of letting me know that if there were sexual problems in the marriage, they were due to my inadequacies, not his.
Talking about the word “honeymoon,” you need to be aware of the possibility of a tactic that can throw you off somewhere along the line. It is not uncommon when you confront your husband about your suspicions of his being gay that all of a sudden, he will be all over you once again, making you believe that it was just your imagination running away with you. This is what I call the “second honeymoon” period. Bad news--these honeymoons don’t last for long. Sometimes they’ll last a few weeks or even a few months. But the “honeymoon revisited phase” is usually over within a short amount of time. You see, after your husband lulls you into a false sense of security once again, he feels he has you back where he wants you and so his “Normal,” or shall we say, “Abnormal,” patterns creep back slowly, or sometimes quickly. But they always come back. I used to hang on to any false hope that came my way no matter how quickly it whizzed past my eyes.
Why do our gay husbands revisit the honeymoon phase? Quite simple. They fear that you now suspect or know the truth about their homosexuality and they are determined to throw you off track and start doubting yourself. They are not ready to be honest, and so they buy time. They become affectionate, attentive, and start to give you unexpected gifts. They say they are willing to work on their “sexual dysfunction.” The claim they will go for marriage counseling, and in some cases, give it a try for a few weeks or months.
And you feel good. You start believing that your suspicion about the worst possible scenario is untrue. And all those little signs that you thought were leading you in that direction were really something else. Maybe it was just a curiosity phase. Maybe your husband was having problems from medications. Maybe he does have some gay tendencies, but maybe that’s from an extra chromosome or two that have been misplaced. Maybe he’s learned his lesson by realizing that you are going to leave your marriage if you find out that he’s doing his thing.
Then you think you are so “stupid” when the second honeymoon is over and reality hits again. Please don’t apologize or feel stupid. I was lulled endless times into what I wanted to be a functioning marriage. I grasped for any sign of rebuttal from my husband and swore I could make things better if only he would work with me on it. Yes, I even had a couple of extra sexual encounters that he initiated in good faith to prove to me that our marriage would be A-okay. But how long could he fool me? He couldn’t even fool himself. He couldn’t carry out this lie indefinitely, and within a short time, things reverted to where they were—or shall I say deteriorated back to where they were—when I threw out my suspicions.
3. LACK OF SEXUAL AGRESSIVENESS BY THE HUSBAND
In a straight/gay relationship, the woman often finds herself the sexually aggressive partner. This happens because the gay spouse in not interested in having sex. If left up to him, sex is only performed as often as necessary to keep the premise going that he is “normal.” This is not to say that a gay man cannot be satisfied or achieve an orgasm from sex with his straight partner; however, it is not his preference. Clearly, whatever satisfaction a gay man achieves sexually is based on his emotional needs, not his sexual ones.
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