stated that he was trying to find a place for John to stay because he had been kicked out of his house for doing drugs. Michael had the gall to blame me for his absence on our anniversary because I refused to allow John to stay with us.
Up until this point, I never threw the issue of homosexuality in Michael’s face, but now I found myself bringing it up in every argument. I distrusted him so much that I suspected him of doing wrong daily even when he wasn’t. I began watching the clock every time he left the house, calculating the minutes until he returned. I searched his pockets when he slept, hoping to find evidence to confirm my suspicions. I became a person totally alien even to myself. The worst part was knowing that I was too weak to do anything even if I did find proof.
What I originally saw as strength in Michael was a misconception. He used his strength to bully me, mentally beating me down through verbal abuse. He robbed me of my self-esteem that took years to build up by berating me privately and publicly. He kept telling me that without him, I could never survive alone, and eventually I started to believe that I was helpless. He criticized me daily, finding fault with my parenting skills, housekeeping, family, and friendships. I began to eat to compensate for my unhappiness, and as I gained weight, he said that my size was the cause of his lack of sexual interest. He repeated over and over that no man would ever love me as much as he did, and without him, I would be condemned to a life of loneliness.
I became a prisoner of my own insecurities. I was afraid to leave my home, fearing Michael would bring someone into my bed. Friends who had known me for years questioned what was happening to me. I told my family and closest friends about the problems, and although they were sympathetic, they didn’t really understand the situation or have any answers. Michael did his best to distance me from the people I was closest to at the time by starting fights with me in front of them and making them choose sides. My family and friends stopped coming over and instead met me away from home on those rare occasions when I left the house. Michael strongly warned me that he would leave if he ever found out that I discussed his secret with anyone. This included talking to a marriage counselor, even though I pleaded with him to go with me for help. He also threatened that he would not leave alone—he would take the children and I would never see them. With nowhere to turn and living with constant fear, I was left to deal with our problems alone.
When our son, Alex, was born in June of 1982, we were in a state of financial disaster. Our business was quickly going bankrupt, and there was virtually no cash flow coming in. This put additional strain on our marriage, making each day unbearable. I still had moments when strong feelings of love would surface, but they quickly faded underneath my stronger feelings of resentment and hatred. I also despised myself for being too weak to take any positive action. Michael and I had little communication except when we had to discuss something about the children or the business. Most of our conversations were in the form of an argument.
Our marriage had become one of existence—there was no tenderness, intimacy, laughter, or friendship. Our sex life was non-existent, which was fine with me. There was no way I could be aroused by a man who was making my life a living hell. I started to fantasize about ways to kill Michael because I didn’t see any way out of the marriage if he was alive. Although it is easy for others to judge a situation and say “walk away,” for the person living it day to day, it is never that simple.
Three months after Alex was born, and two weeks before our fourth anniversary, things came to a head. One evening when Michael went to sleep, I saw his wallet sitting on the kitchen table. There was a lined piece of paper conspicuously sticking out. I removed it. When I opened the paper, I saw it was a letter and my eyes immediately skipped down to the signature, which read, “Love, Jimmy.” As I went to the top, I read the words that gave me the proof I’d been waiting for. The letter stated that Jimmy still loved Michael even though he had chosen to stay in the marriage. There were two recent occasions mentioned when the two of them had been together even though Michael swore to me that he had never heard from Jimmy again.
After reading the letter, I ran to the bathroom to vomit. When I finished, I woke Michael up and confronted him with the letter. He became enraged and shouted that I had no business reading his private mail, and he was sick of my invasion of his privacy. I told him that I was not giving in this time. He could no longer continue to lie to me and expect me to accept it. He claimed nothing had happened between him and Jimmy, and their encounters had been only by chance. I wanted to believe him, but I could no longer live in a state of denial.
For the next two weeks, we fought constantly, calling each other terrible names and making terrible accusations. Finally, after one very heated argument, Michael packed his bags and left for New York. The marriage was over.
Michael returned a week later with his suitcases in hand, knocking at the door. He decided “to give me one more chance.” By this time, it was too late. During the one week of his absence, my mental strength had returned, and I told him that he was not welcome back. Michael was in shock and didn’t believe it. He asked me if I was willing to break up a family for my own selfish reasons, and I said, “Yes, yes, yes!”
QUESTIONS MOST ASKED BY STRAIGHT WIVESABOUT THEIR GAY HUSBANDS
During the last 25 years, I have counseled over 35,000 women who either are or have been married to gay men. I have compiled a list of the questions that are most commonly asked. After reading the answers, you will gain a better insight into the situation.
Q. What is your definition of a “gay” man?
A. I define a man as gay if he fits into any of these categories:
a. He is presently engaging in extramarital relations with another male.
b. He has had sex with a male since his marriage, assuming he had no previous sexual contact with males prior to the marriage.
c. He was involved in a gay relationship prior to the time of marriage other than an adolescent experimentation.
d. He has not yet acted on his feelings; however, he is discussing the desire to engage in homosexual behavior.
e. He is sexually aroused by gay porno or websites.
It is not uncommon for males to experiment sexually with other males at some point in their lives, usually during adolescence. If, however, this need for “experimentation” develops at a later age, it does not necessarily denote homosexuality.
After one homosexual encounter, a male may still be confused about his sexual orientation. Perhaps he was nervous and this inhibited his enjoyment. However, by the second or third time, he should have an idea of whether or not gay sex is gratifying or enjoyable for him. By the fourth or fifth encounter, it is no longer an experiment, but rather a preference.
Married men who suddenly express a desire to try gay sex may have been suppressing their needs until that time. That desire was always present even if it had not been acted on. Those men were hoping that marriage would be the “miracle cure” that would make them “normal,” but looking back they admit those feelings of attraction for men were always present.
Q. My husband still has sexual relations with me. Doesn’t that make him bisexual, rather than gay?
A. Bisexuality is a controversial issue, and there are numerous definitions of this word. I have yet to meet the man who is truly bisexual in the sense that he does not have a sexual preference.
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