you sure?
mrs. allonby
Quite.
lord illingworth
What do you think she’d do if I kissed her?
mrs. allonby
Either marry you, or strike you across the face with her glove. What would you do if she struck you across the face with her glove?
lord illingworth
Fall in love with her, probably.
mrs. allonby
Then it is lucky you are not going to kiss her!
·35· lord illingworth
Is that a challenge?
mrs. allonby
It is an arrow shot into the air.
lord illingworth
Don’t you know that I always succeed in whatever I try?
mrs. allonby
I am sorry to hear it. We women adore failures. They lean on us.
lord illingworth
You worship successes. You cling to them.
mrs. allonby
We are the laurels to hide their baldness.
lord illingworth
And they need you always, except at the moment of triumph.
mrs. allonby
They are uninteresting then.
lord illingworth
How tantalising you are! [A pause.]
·36· mrs. allonby
Lord Illingworth, there is one thing I shall always like you for.
lord illingworth
Only one thing? And I have so many bad qualities.
mrs. allonby
Ah, don’t be too conceited about them. You may lose them as you grow old.
lord illingworth
I never intend to grow old. The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.
mrs. allonby
And the body is born young and grows old. That is life’s tragedy.
lord illingworth
Its comedy also, sometimes. But what is the mysterious reason why you will always like me?
mrs. allonby
It is that you have never made love to me.
lord illingworth
I have never done anything else.
·37· mrs. allonby
Really? I have not noticed it.
lord illingworth
How fortunate! It might have been a tragedy for both of us.
mrs. allonby
We should each have survived.
lord illingworth
One can survive everything now-a-days, except death, and live down anything except a good reputation.
mrs. allonby
Have you tried a good reputation?
lord illingworth
It is one of the many annoyances to which I have never been subjected.
mrs. allonby
It may come.
lord illingworth
Why do you threaten me?
·38· mrs. allonby
I will tell you when you have kissed the Puritan.
[Enter Footman.]
francis
Tea is served in the Yellow Drawing-room, my lord.
lord illingworth
Tell her ladyship we are coming in.
francis
Yes, my lord. [Exit.]
lord illingworth
Shall we go in to tea?
mrs. allonby
Do you like such simple pleasures?
lord illingworth
I adore simple pleasures. They are the last refuge of the complex. But, if you wish, let us stay here. Yes, let us stay here. The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden.
mrs. allonby
It ends with Revelations.
·39· lord illingworth
You fence divinely. But the button has come off your foil.
mrs. allonby
I have still the mask.
lord illingworth
It makes your eyes lovelier.
mrs. allonby
Thank you. Come.
lord illingworth
[Sees Mrs. Arbuthnot’s letter on table, and takes it up and looks at envelope.] What a curious handwriting! It reminds me of the handwriting of a woman I used to know years ago.
mrs. allonby
Who?
lord illingworth
Oh! no one. No one in particular. A woman of no importance. [Throws letter down, and passes up the steps of the terrace with Mrs. Allonby. They smile at each other.]
Act-drop.
