My commitment is to being imperfect, but recovering. Recovery is a process, a journey, and a life of ongoing monitoring, forever discovering ways I interact with the world.
I make a commitment to myself and to my higher power that for this day I will focus on my recovery and not on my pain.
CONTROL
RELATIONSHIPS
“Men are rich only as they give. He who gives great service gets great rewards.”
Elbert Hubbard
Part of active addiction is a belief that I always have to be in control. In my mind, people who were not in control were people who were weak. It was one thing to feel disabled by chronic pain, another thing to be controlled by drugs. My pain has changed the way I view the world. In my worst moments of pain, I realized I had no control, and I felt like a victim. When I made that realization deep in my heart, I became free. I do not feel such a need to control anymore. Ironically, by accepting that I cannot control my pain, I find that I no longer allow it to control me. I focus on helping others whom I once viewed as weak, and help them to do what they can to relinquish control of their pain as I am trying to do. I stop thinking about trying to control my life or my pain— instead I focus on being of service to others. By so doing, I take the power away from my self-centered addiction and self-absorbed pain. I gain a great reward.
I relinquish control of my chronic pain by focusing on something else: helping myself and others through pain recovery. In my darkest moments, I become a light for others.
CONCERN
PHYSICAL BALANCE
“We are not so much concerned if you are slow as when you come to a halt.”
Chinese proverb
Being “concerned” sounds so much more mature and sophisticated than being worried, panicked, anxious, or scared, but they all amount to much the same thing. However, I didn’t enter pain recovery to spend my time being “concerned,” or any of its synonyms, either—at least no more than absolutely necessary.
I work the steps of my pain recovery program to the best of my ability today, and don’t worry about results; I leave them to my higher power. I follow the advice of my sponsor, counselor, therapist, or others in recovery, and I expect results. I don’t waste time today being “concerned,” or any other synonym for fear. I keep moving through situations and issues in my life, sometimes slowly, because that’s the best I can do. But I keep working my program of recovery. I don’t stop. I just slow down sometimes.
Concern today is something I show others—concern, consideration, and caring. I have tools and a support group, and if I utilize them, I no longer need to be concerned about my own serenity. That will come. It may come slowly, but if I work my program, it will come.
THINKING OF JOY
MENTAL BALANCE
“As he slowed down and breathed, joy replaced anger and anxiety; he relaxed and his pain diminished.” A Day without Pain
Joy comes from being in balance. I go about my routines, focus on exercise, reading, studying, and doing step work, or work out of Pain Recovery. But when I focus my mind on things other than quietly sitting, meditating, praying, or breathing, a couple of days go by and I’m feeling restless. I’m not in touch with the joy that is already inside me. It takes time, dedication, and focus of the mind to listen to and feel that joy. If I’m not feeling it, that’s not because it’s not there.
Joy is like my higher power—always there and waiting for me to be open to that power. Joy is sitting patiently and waiting for me to bring my thoughts to bear on it. There is joy for life, joy for living without drugs, joy for my family and friends, even joy for my pain. But when I’m not balanced mentally, I cannot feel the joy that is in my heart. All other kinds of excitement, happiness, and freedom with outside things and accomplishments are temporary. Joy is permanent and never leaves me. It runs deep—as deep as I’m willing to go to find it.
I honor and acknowledge the joy I feel, even when I’m not feeling it strongly. I take the time to make sure that my mind is in balance and know that through my thoughts of a spiritual connection, my joy is waiting for me.
EMOTIONAL PAIN
EMOTIONAL BALANCE
“To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development. To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.”
Oscar Wilde
Emotional pain can sometimes be as hurtful as the physical pain I have experienced as the result of my chronic pain condition. The emotional pain I’ve been through in active addiction while abusing pain medication became so great at times that I felt the need to use even more. The more emotional pain I experienced, the more out of emotional balance I was. I cannot achieve true, balanced recovery and live a life of meaning with chronic pain if I am not in balance. I experience pain as I go through life, just like everyone else. It is a natural part of living. Part of living life on life’s terms is learning how to deal with and walk through not only physical pain, but emotional pain too. It helps to remember that, when I’m in emotional pain, this too shall pass.
My emotional pain may be trying to teach me something; it may be representing some unresolved issue I need to address in my recovery program.
TRIGGERS
SPIRITUAL BALANCE
“We should every night call ourselves to account: What infirmity have I mastered today? What passions opposed? What temptation resisted? What virtue acquired?”
Seneca
Just about anything can trigger feelings in me today. Fear, anger, sadness, self-pity—any one of these painful emotions can be triggered by an innocent word, a song on the radio, a billboard I see as I drive to an appointment. I could respond the way I did before I entered pain recovery, and devote time and energy to “searching” within myself for the “cause” of the pain. (Somehow this never results in any new revelations, but it does keep me in pain as long as I continue to do it.) I can waste my mental energy trying to “heal a sick mind with a sick mind,” as it’s said in the rooms of recovery. Or I can do what my program tells me to do—I can search my soul for my own weaknesses, for the areas in which I may be dishonest, resentful, selfish, or fearful—in other words, spiritually unfit. And I can ask my higher power for forgiveness when I see my part in what is bothering
