attention directed to someone or something I can help.
Today I use triggers as a way to bring me closer to my higher power. I focus on constant prayer, remembering the freedom I have today from active addiction, and on positive thoughts that will turn to positive action.
SECONDARY GAIN
RELATIONSHIPS
“Secondary gain refers to any perceived benefit you receive from having pain. If not identified, secondary gain gives you unconscious reasons for holding onto your pain.”
Pain Recovery: How to Find Balance and Reduce Suffering from Chronic Pain
It took time for me to realize that I did receive a benefit from being in chronic pain. Sometimes it was more than one benefit. I wasn’t “faking” my pain in order to receive these benefits…I wasn’t even aware I was receiving them until I entered recovery.
Some of these benefits included receiving more attention from friends and family, being excused from having to work, being relieved of responsibilities, getting out of unpleasant activities, and having an excuse to take medication. I no longer need to be in pain in order to receive benefits; in recovery today, I can simply ask to have my legitimate needs met, being aware of my expectations and wants in a healthy way, being productive and working, taking responsibility, showing up for activities, and not abusing medication.
I remember my responsibilities and expectations in my life. I know that by not using my pain as an excuse to get the secondary gain, I am actually reducing the intensity of the pain itself and making it easier on myself. I find healthy ways to live through the habits I create for myself to meet my expectations.
{ FEBRUARY }
CONTROL
PHYSICAL BALANCE
“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.”
Tao Te Ching
Control. What a word. There was a time when I thought I was in control, of myself and of the world and the people in it. Paradoxically, that was during the time of my active addiction. Oh, yes, I may have been “in control” of my emotions and my feelings, but I was really just dulling them with medication so that I wouldn’t feel them. That was only the illusion of control, because ultimately, my addiction had total control over me. It was my master.
Entering pain recovery, I was told I had to accept my powerlessness. To me that sounded like admitting I couldn’t be in control, and I didn’t like it. However, through abstaining from abuse of medications, attending meetings, working steps with a sponsor, and being of service to others, I began to see that the real way to regain some kind of control over my life was to relinquish the need to control my feelings by abusing medication. I began to feel a kind of mastery over myself, ironically, when I gave up trying to control my life or that of others. I leave that to my higher power today.
I strive to keep my ego in check and make decisions based on my actual, not perceived, needs as filtered through recovery, not through my desires based on a distorted perspective of a self-image. I do not allow my ego to control all aspects of my life today.
LISTENING WITHIN
MENTAL BALANCE
“Spend time every day listening to what your muse is trying to tell you.”
St. Bartholomew
As I wake up in the morning, stretching my painfully stiff limbs, my mind starts to race. I hear others in the household or neighbors perhaps, getting ready for their days as I get up and get ready for mine. I know I dreamt last night, but the memories of my dreams are already slipping away as my head starts to clamor with plans for the day. Before I know it, I’m up and about and into my day, and I’ve forgotten to take the time to make contact with my higher power to ask for strength and guidance and hope.
Today, I must ask for help with my recovery, both from addiction and from my chronic pain. I must remember to ask for the help I need in the morning, if I want it throughout the day. And when the loving answer comes, I want it to find me listening.
I take the time to focus my thoughts, to hear and listen to the spirit inside me. That spirit is filled with joy, which today I take time to notice and appreciate, whereas in the past I have taken joy for granted. Joy comes when I focus my thoughts on the body-mind-spirit connection.
GRATITUDE
EMOTIONAL BALANCE
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”
Marcus Tullius Cicero
Not only has my pain negatively influenced all aspects of my life, such as my thoughts, feelings, emotions, daily habits and rituals, and even my connection to my higher power; it also has detrimental effects on my attitude. Every day, I wake up and my first thought is of my pain, wondering how it might influence the rest of my day. I go to bed at night, again thinking of my pain, and how it hindered me that day. Gratitude gets lost in the midst of thoughts such as these.
Rather than dwelling on the negative, today I search for the positive. I now wake up each day feeling blessed to be alive. My pain reminds me each day that I am living, and from the moment I realize that, I choose to live each day to the fullest, simply doing the best I can. I take time to become more in tune with my spirit, my thoughts, and my emotions. I embrace them each day for I know I am alive and my higher power has a plan for me.
Gratitude is everything. I know I cannot control the situations that created my chronic pain, but I can control how I live each day. I take control of my life and no longer let my pain control me. I am grateful to be alive, even with my pain, just for right now.
MOVEMENT TOWARD SPIRITU AL CONNECTION
SPIRITUAL BALANCE
“I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.”
Louisa May Alcott
In my active addiction, I had been in fear of making my pain worse, so I would make every attempt to move as little as possible. Early in my pain recovery, I was unaware of what would alleviate my pain and what would exacerbate it. Just
